How You Like-a De Spice?

All new age men please place one hand on Halle Berry and repeat after me;

I (state your name), as an advanced race of man, who has transcended all racial, economical, and prejudicial barriers, hereby do solemnly decree, from this day forth, to befriend, date, hold hands, impregnate, love, marry, remain faithful, divorce, cheat on, cheat with, and cheat for, ALL women, and of ALL races, colors and creeds,  provided they fulfill my sexual, emotional, intellectual, and aesthetic desires, both temporary and permanent.     

I shall not hold culpable the ignorance of those, both female and male, who are members of my individual race, and still cling steadfast to antiquated, Aryan inbreeding, non cross-fertilization practices. I realize that all women are the Creator’s creation, and that all vaginas bring about equal happiness and stress alike. I refer to my detractors as “haters”, brusheth their insolence offeth my shouldereth, and proceed with my daily goings and comings.

 I will hold in high regard and bestow bountiful accolades upon any man who returns with social networking anecdotes remotely resembling the following; “Yo son, she’s half Scandinavian / half Uruguayan and her Mom was raised in Brooklyn.” “Say word!?” “Word” shall in fact be said and many a pound / dap / high five / commonly accepted gesture for “You da’ man!”, shall be given to any and all males in the immediate vicinity, and within a two bar stool radius, and later again upon the retelling of said tales of conquests, and later again when the relationship has soured and you recount to your besteth of comrades the sordid and freaky acts that transpired on your living room sofa and caution that he never resteth his head on the throw pillows again t’were you him.

 I acquiesce wholly to this doctrine with the full understanding that my wife, girlfriend, mistress and / or female friends will berate, bemoan, and chastise me to the fullest extent of their shortsighted bias. I am prepared to withstand any backlash that may befall me. I have however prepared a series of aliases and surnames under which I shall use to conceal my identity in the event the “haters” should attempts to recover any written evidence of my involvement.

So say one, so say We all  

Regards,

Captain James Tiberius Kirk

 Sidebar: GET OVER IT! Sidebar Complete.

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Kobe vs. Lebron / the Dialectical vs. the Metaphysical

During the NBA finals,  I witnessed grown, heterosexual men performing simultaneous fellatio on another heterosexual man in front of millions of people on television and no one said a word (not even "no homo"). I don't mean fellatio in the literal sense, but more in the urban colloquial "Get off Kobe Bryant's bozak!" kinda way.  I question just how Kobe can even jump with all these sportscasters secured fastly to his scrotum (ok, no more penis references). In an effort to further engrander (not a word) the NBA's already grandiose foothold on America's pastimes, sports analysts and commentators, working in tandem with network execs and Lord Emperor David Stern, consistently subject viewers to such pompous circumstances that one can't help but question: "I wonder if the Romans would have been turned off by these overly dramatic displays of theatre and inflated self relevance ... AND THEY KILLED PEOPLE FOR FUN!" As if bungee jumping mascots, scantly clad hotties busting a move center court, and computer generated images of "LEGENDS PAST . . . Past . . . past . . ." (repeat 3 times for echo effect) weren't enough, the anointing and re-anointing of the “Chosen One” is way out of hand. Lebron James was the chosen one a few months ago. Now it's Kobe again (for the first time again). All this yammering made me wonder: A) What makes these two better than you and maybe me and B) which of these two talented ass-clowns is truly the “One”?

  Rumor has it that certain individuals are predisposed to achieve in specific fields / careers. These Suma Cum Laude’s of mankind are anointed with a set of super human abilities that they and only they can harness, as God has been known to be user specific in his gift giving. Said gifts are commonly referred to as talent.

  Lebron James is a marvel of nature's bioengineering and considered a talented basketball player by many. According to almost everyone, no human should be as big, strong, fast, intelligent, and equally agile on a basketball court as King James. After "witnessing" him (patent granted) perform, few can argue his abilities and seemingly natural inclination to thrust a basketball through a hoop, (ok, Kobe's puppet can argue but few other's can). Lebron is clearly touched by an angel. Or is he?

  Although also talented (for lack of a better word), Kobe Bryant is a workaholic and marketed more for his efforts in the weight room than his natural ability.  His tenacity on and off the court has been likened to other NBA greats (Michael Jordan), NFL greats (Jerry Rice) and boxing legends (Mike Tyson, and for more nefarious reasons). Kobe Bryant has clearly left nothing to chance and has placed his future squarely in his own hands. Or has he?

 There are many people who dedicate themselves to a task but still fall short. So wouldn’t there have to be trace amounts of divine intervention for the “One” to emerge? Clearly we were not all formed in the same ice tray otherwise the entire Americas would be comprised of superstar point guards in the NBA. Assume for a second however that Lebron was birthed in a pre Naismith era where basketball did not exist. Aside from being considered the Ford F-150 of slaves, what would have been his God given talents were he a product of a non emancipated America? Lebron and Kobe were in fact borne in an era where basketball exists and is highly revered in our esoteric culture bubble so their talents could also be attributed to circumstances. So given the “Eh Hem”, CIRCUMSTANCES, should all praises be due to Allah? Travel to Europe and it may be Ronaldinho or some other soccer savant seated at the right hand of the father.

 Talent does not exist. It is cute verbiage for the by-product of prior energies expended, perfecting the execution of a particular task (as I define it). Whether those energies were expended by your parents, your environment, your coach, or you, the end result seems an effortless, “natural” sight to behold when in effect, is quite the contrary. Comparable to luck, talent manifests itself when opportunity and preparedness arrive at a happy medium. If my father locked me in a room from age five and “prepared” me (and by prepared I mean kicked my ass consistently to performing perfection), I would also have had the “opportunity” to glide backwards across stages and shatter album sales worldwide. Thank God I am not that lucky or talented!!

 Once talent is recognized, it has been appreciated and can never really be compared (how do you quantify an ideal?). Whether that talent goes on to sign $90 million endorsements before playing a single regulation game, refuses to shake hands when he loses, and gets dunked on in a college scrimmage game then has the tapes buried deeper than lost JFK assassination Zubruder footage, or said talent wins four NBA championship rings, gets falsely accused of rape in a hotel room in Boulder, Colorado, then rats, “dimes out”, snitches, squeals, implicates, and shifts blame to the “Big Aristotle” is another subject all together. As for who amongst Lebron and Kobe is the most talented basketball player, the answer is infallibly “Whoever is winning at the moment.”

  Sidebar * If you have the ability to identify proficiency in others, you have the ability to replicate and exceed and thus, you are wasting YOUR talents by not doing anything. You are behaving stupidly’ (thanks Barack) by critiquing someone else while you putz around in ESPN Zone chugging down Coronas and watching others succeed on the big screen. Unless, of course, your talent is lobbing lewd language at the television, in which case - carry on. Sidebar Complete*

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She Got It from Her Mami

 

When we last left off, I was talking about boobies (that’s what I wished she said). So it is only fitting that I speak on the lower extremities of the female anatomy this go round. I am of course speaking of the posterior, affectionately known as the booty, the fatty, the badukadunk, the ass, smuggled midgets, the onion, the apple, “Oh sh*t!”, “Damn!”, “Good God!”, Holy Jesus!”, “Yo Ma”, “The rent is late”, “The divorce is final”, “The car is keyed”, etc… What is it about a sun ripened coconut derriere that drives men, and let’s just be blunt and overtly racist here, black men in particular, so friggin’ insane? I have never seen a group of individuals typically hell bent on maintaining radio silence (specifically New York black men) become so garrulous after viewing a big booty bounce by. My Caucasian comrades are also highly susceptible to the effects of a ripe rump, although not as overtly weakened. Place a phatty in front of two male strangers in ANY environment and watch the salutations ensue (“Did you see that my brotha?! It was crazy son!”  “Why yes Bob. Yes I did. It was indeed swell!”). Through hours of painstaking research in countless bars, clubs, homecomings, and day to day field studies (I also saw a special on PBS), I have uncovered undisputable scientific evidence as to why your hubby / boyfriend / boss / Grandpa / Congressman / Reverend seems to lose his booty-lovin’ mind when an “ass so fat, you could sit a drink on it” is in his general vicinity. 

The following is a direct excerpt from other excerpts taken from Wikipedia and placed on my blog;

 Some researchers have found that the waist-hip ratio (WHR) is a significant measure of female attractiveness. Women with a 0.7 WHR are usually rated as more attractive by men from European cultures. Such diverse beauty icons as Audrey Hepburn, Marilyn Monroe, Sophia Loren and even the Venus de Milo all have or had ratios close to 0.7, even, even though they all have different weights and heights. In other cultures, preferences appear to vary according to some studies, ranging from 0.6 in China, to 0.8 or 0.9 in parts of South America and Africa, and divergent preferences based on ethnicity, rather than nationality, have also been noted.

 Why am I not surprised to find that Spanish and African men prefer bigger booties? They needed research for that? Can someone please pay me to do research on why humans need to breathe air since funding the obvious is clearly a growing trend.

 And since these clowns can make shit up about why I like big butts (I cannot lie), I decided to make up some of my own.

 I.C.M (Independent Cheek Movement) - Although the human female is not climbing a flight of stairs, the illusion can be recreated with the assistance of pedis elevatus devicus (high heel shoes). When supporting an A-1 booty, heels provide the perfect lift / vertical separation necessary for each butt cheek to levitate independently of each other. This phenomena has caused many an individual to board the wrong train, chart inefficient routes to and from desired destinations, spend unnecessary amounts of time loitering way after the party has ended and the venue has closed, then gone to Ihop in desperation of finding any other lingering errant booties that refuse to call it a night (as if he will not be doing it all agan the very next night), and a slew of other acts I, I mean men, have done to lengthen the witnessing of  this occurrence.

 The Face – Not to be confused with the Gas Face, “The Face” is traditionally seen only when

 1.        A Hip hop emcee has just heard the craziest track in his life.

 2.        A sports fan witnesses the execution of a “spectacular move” (see all MJ dunks on Patrick Ewing).

 3.        The morning after a bean burrito buffet.

  The “Right Stuff” has been known to induce street wide pandemics of The Face. The Face is readily identified by the wrinkle lines in the central region of the heterosexual male's / lesbian's cranial cortex , accompanied by a look of complete and utter del-usion (delight and confusion). The Face however is remarkably similar to the expression one makes when constipated so please be careful not to misconstrue the two.

 And there you go.  To answer the question on many a lady's mind and finally put the issue to rest, it is, in fact, that serious. So much so that there are Women in our society who are rich and famous for no other reason alone than their butts i.e. Jennifer Lopez, Buffy the body, Pinky (those who know, know), etc. So the next time you catch your beau mentally absconding with the backside of another, why not commend him for being in touch with nature? Too often do we ascribe to constructs that are subject to amendment but refuse to succumb to the irrefutable laws of nature / mother Africa. You wouldn’t be mad at a baby for being hungry would you so why lash out at a man for ahh forget it. I tried fellas. I suggest you all get a pair of sunglasses with tints darker than Flava Flav and Wesley Snipes fighting ninjas in a licorice factory during a blackout and get your perv on!

 Honorable mention to the new generation of booty’s whose spike in visibility has been attributed to;

 1.        BET Un-cut

2.        106 & Park

3.        Hollywood

4.        Hip Hop

5.        The entire Designer denim industry

6.        Hormone grown, genetically altered, steroid injected digestibles (food I believe it’s called)

7.        The FDA

8.        Apathy

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Leave it To Cleavage

I've been debating lately about how / why women wear revealing clothing to attract attention then shun the attention once received. I never understood why women would pull out 3/4th of their boobies (nipples securely fastened with industrial strength, 3M Clear Nipple Tape of course) then become incensed when I looked, uh stared, uh gawked, uh drooled. Clearly they've conducted field studies and are aware of the effects on men. I have witnessed accidents of all sorts and on multiple occasions due to Titty Inhalation, including a man walking head first into a light pole. Who knew the human head could make such a sound (“Coong!” I believe it was?) Picture dropping a rock from eye level on an empty metal pot . . . with a microphone on the inside of the pot. I wonder if Geico has Titty insurance (“now tell me whose watchin”). So why do women put themselves (and us) through all of this if it offends them so? I just can't seem to figure out who’s the objectifier and whose being objectified. I mean, every time I unearth my penis from its sheath, the whole room fades to black, women lose focus, start trying to strike up random conversation and offer to buy me drinks. Suffice it to say,  I have learned to use "The Force" and only when necessary.  If women really wanted to be respected for other attributes and weren’t just hunting in their own passive aggressive manner, why is the first thing to turn the corner their exposed ICBM's (Intercontinental Baby-Milk Machines)?

 After engaging everyone on earth and online on this subject, I concluded the following points:  

1.  Competition is apparently at unprecedented levels as it relates to garnering attention from men and  some women feel the need to measure up to socially accepted, sex appeal standards by Any Means  Necessary (not quite sure that's what brother Malcolm intended).
   
2.  Self esteem and sex esteem have become interchangeable.
   
3.  Men like titties.
   
4.  Who am I to judge?
   

 As was pointed out to me mid-rant; we all have esteem issues, so who am I to deem one method of self valuation more appropriate than another? Afrykan that's who! And as any African will tell you, we know everything so stop defending your supercilious opinions and listen to mine. Some people work out to feel better about themselves and some read, write, dance, shop, dress scantly, drink, use drugs, etc.  A long standing solution that seems to be universally effective is loving oneself first before seeking attention from others. Some women believe pretty girls have it easier and that they need to do any and everything to resemble the desired female archetype. This may be true, however,

1.  Looks are relative and will fade.
   
2. Your personality better be as enticing as your succulent orbs. French fries alone do not a happy meal make!
   
3. For every pretty girl out there, there is a guy trying to find new and exciting ways to avoid her phone call.
   
4.  If you advertise sex, that is what men will come looking to buy.
   
5.  Whatever you looked like when men met you, you are expected to maintain that aesthetic so be careful where you set the bar.
   
6. The benefits of eating right and exercising regularly far outweigh any skimpy outfit in your repertoire. 
   

 Now if you will excuse me, I need a drink and funds are low so you know what that means. Fade to black (see above).

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