Friday, December 9, 2011

Hip Hop and Love are destroying the fabric of America a.k.a pretty people suck!!

I was flipping through the idiot box the other day and came across a reality show called Love & Hip Hop.  Being a fan of hip hop, I stopped to see what it entailed and much to my chagrin, It was yet another installment in the multitude of shows depicting women in nothing short of an alternate, uninhabitable reality. Not picking on the women folk here but these shows seem to be viewed mostly by women with an ensemble cast comprised predominantly of women. There are a slew of reasons folk bash reality shows (negative stereotypes, negative imagery, negative role models) but that is not the lecture at hand today. My bone to pick is the notion that we are somehow entitled to say and do whatever we wish, wherever we wish and whenever we wish to wish it.

This affliction occurs more in the realm of women, specifically, the realm of attractive women. Although also prevalent in the affluent, international male super model community (of which I am a card carrying member), most men grow up under different auspices. Despite our looks, we learn at an early age (and typically with multiple bare knuckled right hooks to the nasal cavity) that you cannot say what you please, when and how you please. There are clear and present repercussions for words and actions not chosen wisely in the male kingdom. But what are the consequences for dames?

The ramifications of being an attractive asshole aren’t always evident until the nuances of being attractive wear off. A phenomena I've aptly dubbed "The Buzz Lightyear Effect" or the "Subject-Heb Agreement" (see below). As beautiful as we all believe we may be, it eventually wears off.  Then we are forced to rely on that ever elusive trait that takes us further in life but is just too damn cumbersome to refine…our personality (Nooooooooooooo...oooooo...oooo!)

An unwillingness to work on one's personality may explain why we often see the hot guy with the "ok" looking girl and vice versa.  You really want to know what he/she has that you don’t? It may just be a better temperament. It may also be a six figure bank account and cirque de soleil worthy flexibility but those traits do not a solid foundation make. Looks are your resume but your personality is your work ethic. And much like the job market, your resume gets you in the door but it won’t keep you employed if your work ethic sucks Emu ass.
         ******NEWS FLASH*****
            Men tolerate stank attitudes from pretty women just to get in their panties!
This may be the most obvious news flash in news flash history but it is true and men are mostly to blame for women's perpetual stanky leg attitudes. We are, after all, the #1 symptom for most of our ailments. All the bending over backwards and pandering to attractive women fortifies their false sense of reality. A reality in which self centered, self serving behavior is considered acceptable simply because you lend an appealing aesthetic to the environment. This behavior is not acceptable however. It is tolerated for selfish purposes. It’s the equivalent of an alligator laying still in the Bayou patiently waiting for its’ prey to get comfortable enough so it can attack. "Nah It's all good baby. Of course I'll come pick you up from Connecticut so we can hang out in Brooklyn. Of course you can order 2 lobsters just so you can lick the butter off the tail. You want to go to Zimbabwe for the weekend while cursing out everyone we come across? Why didn't you just say so pretty mama? Let's go!" Then she just can't seem to figure out why he was willing to do so much prior to copulation but currently, rolling over to hand her the remote presents itself as too daunting a task. Behold the Mars Fly Trap that is MAN!!!

The trending topic for the last few generations seems to be a fleeting aspiration toward self-censorship (#GTFOHWTBS). As Cartman from South Park once eloquently stated, “Whateva, Whateva. I do what I want!” I know it’s anti American of me to even mention the notion of self control but that is actually what the nation was founded on. Everyone loves to cite the Bill of Rights and the freedoms it affords, specifically the freedom of speech and ultimately expression, but most completely disregard that what is considered to be a doctrine of emotional carte blanche is actually constrained to an article within a bill with subtexts. It is not a “get out of thinking about it” pass. Laws a.k.a restraints and rights are the end results of anarchy, not a precursor to it. 
  Although we are all entitled to our emotions, we are not entitled to convey them when and however we wish. Ruining your day and maybe someone’s life because you choose to convey your frustrations in whatever fashion suits you hardly ever leaves both parties feeling better off about a situation. Further to that, it really is a lack of self-control causing you to consistently emote unnecessarily.
4 reasons why your good looks may be killing your chances of ever being happy 
1.    Most attractive people who buy into their attraction tend to be uncompromising, spoiled, stark raving assholes… and realize it too late!
2.     The Subject-Herb Agreement. We will all be perceived as old and ugly one day. The fleeting novelty of beauty is most often contingent on the Subject (“Damn I’m beautiful!”) and the Herb (“Damn he/she’s beautiful!”) Agreement. Once the agreement is nullified by either party (damn, you ain't that beautiful"), how do you intend to persist peaceably when forced to rely on personality traits that may be lackluster?
3.     You will find partners to be easily dispensable due to all your dating “options”. There are tons of men lined up to have sex with beautiful women which can lead to a seemingly never ending pool of suitors. The ones who actually want more than sex however (which is the one you want) wants a hot chick also but will trade off the smoking hotness for an okay looking, well mannered damsel any day of the week (which is the one we want).
4.     People are dishonest toward attractive people. They tend to want something (especially the opposite sex) and end up being less truthful in an effort to keep their prey hanging around long enough to strike. This leads to a false sense of security and an “I can do no wrong” psyche.

*Sidebar: If these women weren't hot, Todd wouldn't be hungry right now. GET YOUR OWN DAMN SANDWICH SALLY AND SAMANTHA!!! Sidebar Complete*

Monday, November 21, 2011

40 things I learned on my way to 40.

  1. It’s only a dog eat dog world if you’ve convinced yourself you’re a dog.
  2. The only substitute for patience is frustration.
  3. There is no such thing as a bad day. Just a bad interpretation of a good one.
  4. There’s nothing wrong with who you are. There is something wrong with remaining that person.
  5. You can only be yourself if that’s who you plan on spending the rest of your life with.
  6. Love yourself enough to love those around you just as much.
  7. Love yourself enough to know who to keep around you.
  8. Love yourself.
  9. If you think you don’t have insecurities, it’s probably your insecurities telling you to think that way.
  10. What’s the point of having a V12 engine with a terrible navigation system?
  11. Direction is as relevant as speed.
  12. Control is as relevant as direction.
  13. Don’t be afraid to get behind the wheel.
  14. Read the manual before you get behind the wheel.
  15. If I knew then what I know now, I still wouldn’t have listened.
  16. You’ll know if what you’re doing is working if you get the results you desire. If you don’t, it ain’t.
  17. How many people would call you if you didn’t call them?
  18. Life gets easier if you’re paying attention.
  19. The cost of success may be relationships.
  20. Being alive has as many constraints as it does freedoms.
  21. No one ever works as hard as they think they do.
  22. Being an asshole in response to an asshole only reaffirms their train of thought…and eventually turns you into an asshole.
  23. Whoever said “ignorance is bliss” was ignorant.*
  24. Children get the gifts of love & friendship. Adults get the opportunity to earn it.
  25. Things you take for granted will eventually get taken back.
  26. Why do we assert our individuality over those who accept us for who we are and conform to those intent on changing us?
  27. Fight your boss, not your spouse.
  28. Fight your boss, not your friends.
  29. Don’t fight your boss. Just get a new job.
  30. Everything I have ever accused others of, I have done myself.
  31. The people least likely to forgive tend to be the ones most likely to screw up.
  32. The hard part is defining success. The easy part is getting there. Good luck with both.
  33. Selfishness is the only disease that is also its’ own cure.  When you take it at face value, you take. When you truly are a self-preservationist, you quickly realize you cannot survive for or by yourself and give.
  34. Men are just as emotional as women. We just cry with our fists.
  35. Why is an opinion just an opinion until it’s your opinion?
  36. You’re a weirdo too. You just think you’re cool because you hang out with other weirdos.
  37. Faith belongs in places other than your Ipod playlist.
  38. Looks fade. Books fade. Respect doesn’t.
  39. Under promise and over deliver. That’s why you’ll be reading 45 things when the title says 40. Feels like you got something for free don’t it?
  40. Your head and your heart are not enemies.
  41. Under promise and over deliver.
  42. There’s nothing wrong with repeating a lesson until you get it right (see 41). No worries if you don’t learn your lesson however because…
  43. Life has a funny way of showing you the same photos until you get the picture.
  44. You can fight fire with fire but you’ll probably end up burning everything down.
  45. At some point, you have to stop being a victim of circumstance and start being a victim of deliberate intent.
  46. I still don’t know anything.
  47. Writing it down allows you to see how stupid you would’ve sounded had you said it aloud first.
  48. Life is short.
  49. Smurfs are shorter.
  50. Laugh a lot.

Sidebar: *Whoever said “ignorance is bliss” actually was ignorant because that is not the literal quote nor meaning. The quote is “Where ignorance is bliss, ‘tis folly to be wise”. It essentially translates to “just because you looked it up on Wikipedia doesn’t make you an expert” and not the new school meaning of “I was better off not knowing”. Sidebar complete.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Inside the NFL (Nigerian Football League) a.k.a “How do you pronounce that last name… Olomowhat?”

  Warning: The following post is narcissistically self-serving and border line delusional. It is however rooted in opinion-based fact. Please apply with one grain of salt.

Has anyone else noticed the names of professional athletes getting more and more African, specifically Nigerian? I recall a time when there was the occasional Okoye or Olaujuwan on the fields and courts but now, there are a multitude of multi voweled surnames that begin with the letter “O” all over the NFL and NBA. There are @ least 4 Nigerian or Nigerian American players on two separate NFL teams and at least one on every single team in the NFL. So what exactly spurned this uprising? Has the western hemisphere discovered some sort of untapped resource in Africa and are they planning to exploit those resources for monetary benefit (sound vaguely familiar)? Is the new Pandora located somewhere in Lagos and does Unobtanium now come in the form of Yuroba speaking teenagers who happen to grow in 6 foot, 7 foot, and 8 foot bunches? More importantly, with so many representatives of the original West Coast (sorry Snoop) now in American sports, how long will it take before Jelof rice and okra based soups hit the concessions stands? Not gonna hold my breathe on that last one.

I recall a few decades ago when an aging CBS sports anchor suggested African Americans may be genetically predisposed to out perform their Caucasian counterparts. Jimmy “The babbling dotard” a.k.a “the Greek” may have been on to something with what appeared to be racially incendiary comments at that point in time. At this juncture in civilization however and keeping in line with the Greek’s assertions, I would like to trump Jimbo with an equally egregious hypothesis; Africans, particularly Nigerians are genetically predisposed to succeed in athletics! The only difference between an African and an African American is literal location (and centuries of psychological rape but I digress). Mike Vick and Michael Jordan could just as easily have been Michael Ovickjukeyou and Michael Ojordunkonyou had their ancestors not made a wrong turn @ Albuquerque. As the old adage goes, “the closer the berry, the stronger the fruit.” But why take my word for it? Allow me to expound on the skill sets necessary to succeed in professional sports and why Nigerians hold the advantage in my thoroughly detailed research findings that I am making up as I go along.
 1. Physical attributes – People of the African diaspora have a propensity to grow to rather freakish sizes whilst maintaining the speed and dexterity necessary to navigate through the toughest of offensive lines, wrestling any man or Manning to the ground. Post emancipation, Archie, Eli, and Peyton never stood a chance. It must’ve been a scout’s wet dream to touch down on African soil for the first time and witness Shaq and Serena’s partially naked ancestors harvesting berries in the wild…assuming they had basketball and tennis back then. 
2. Intelligence – It is no secret that Nigerians are touted as an intelligible people. From general academia to complex offensive packages, they certainly seem to have a penchant for schemes (offensive, defensive and internet alike). Of course this theory cannot be proven and the underwear bomber certainly throws an elephant sized monkey wrench in my hypothesis but that not withstanding, general consensus (of which I am the General) lends credence to these findings.
3. Endurance – As we all know, Kenyan’s have the market cornered on endurance. And although Nigerians are not from Kenya, Nigerians are physically closer to Kenya than most Brooklyn residents sans crackheads so by shear illogic and osmosis, Nigerians have more endurance than their East New York counterparts. Yep. And I’m stickin’ to it.
 4. Competition – Nigerians are a competitive bunch. No seriously, it’s ridiculous. They believe they are better than every living human being way before ever accomplishing a solitary thing and then they actually set out to acquire the skill sets to back it up. This is why athletics are a natural fit for a people that are fueled by achieving excellence. Not certain where or how it originated but any Nigerian worth their weight in credentials can attest to the competitive nature. Which leads to the next bullet point.
5. Status – Nigerians are a status driven people. No seriously, it’s ridiculous. A certain writer recently discovered that the name of the town his parents hail from, called Onitsha,  translated to English means “Arrogance”. Nuff said. Seeing as how excellence breeds accolades, any item or title meant to illuminate them favorably shall be pursued with maniacal focus until acquired. Multiple degrees, professions of prestige, and monetary wealth shall be on full display at all times.  It is only fitting then that professional sports, which provides a heightened environment for prestige and wealth is on the radar.
And there you have it. With the underwhelming and irrefutably uncorroborated evidence presented in this here dissertation, is it any wonder why so many Nigerians are populating professional sports? In all seriousness (and at the risk of sounding like Hitler), there are certain professions that necessitate specific physical characteristics and it is safe to surmise that if you required individuals of a certain stature, you would be inclined to search in the areas they most densely populate. Concurrently, if you were born with three hands, you should probably forego a career in kickboxing and try your hands at wide receiver. Let that be a message to all the parents hell bent on limiting their 6'5", 300 pound sons to academia specific professions. The Samoan Islands can’t be too far behind with unbalanced #’s in the NFL because quite frankly, they grow them boys big and fast down there too.

So why am I not in the NBA or NFL you ask? Because I’m 5’11" on a good day and although I love basketball, my ability to use my right hand has historically been referred to as “suspect” but more importantly, that is not where my passion lies, for if it were, the fact that I am a proud Nigerian man allows me to convince myself “I could’a been a contender” in any professional sport. Of course it’s delusional but that is the Nigerian way. We believe we can do anything and are conditioned to make the attempt. The only difference between faith and delusion is one’s level of success so we could probably all use a little more delusion.
The Nigerian Football League (NFL) Past & Present
1.     Nnamdi Asomugha
2.     Osi Umenyiora
3.     Adewole Ogunyele
4.     Israel Idonijie
5.     Prince Amukamara 
6.     Chinedum Ndukwe
7.     Ikechuku Ndukwe
8.     Trevor Mbakwe
9.     Amobi Akoye
10. Brian Orakpo
11. Christian Okoye
12. Frank Okam
13. Xavier Adibi
14. Amobi Okoye
15. Eric Ogbogu
16. Akinola “Akin” Ayodele
17. …..And a whole bunch more but you get the point.

 The Nigerian Basketball League (NBA) Past & Present
1.     Mike Olowakandi
2.     Emeka Okafor
3.     Andre Igudala
4.     Hakeem Olajuwan
5.     Yinka Dare
6.     Solomon Alabi           
7.     John Ameche
8.     Al-Farouq Aminu
9.     Ekpe Udoh
10. Gani Lawal 
11. Steve Nash (He was actually born in South Africa but once again, close enough…plus you always need at least one token white guy on your team).

Alfred “Show ‘em your “O” face” Obiesie

Friday, September 23, 2011

Brain Farts

Things I’m supposed to like but don’t
  1. Bing - As a search engine, bing is about as much of a threat to google as cous cous is to popcorn. The day you hear “I’ll take a large cous cous with extra butter” at your local cinema, you may want to look up "hallucination" on Bing and see what comes up.
  2. Kid Cudi – Sorry. I tried though.  Your best song will forever be affiliated with Vitamin Water. Forget happiness. You should be in the pursuit of better lyrics and production.
  3. The Ricki Gervais show – Dude, it’s not funny.
  4. Black History Month – kind of hard to ever fully integrate when you have a month dedicated solely to celebrating “blackness”. In truth, it’s MLK and Rosa Parks awareness month so it's not even all inclusive of black history. There isn’t even a behind the music with Kool Moe Dee for God’s sake! Lets just agree to skip the pomp and circumstance and integrate more African American history into the modern day curriculum.
  5. Traveling –Pain in the Ass. Don’t like packing. Don’t like airports. Don’t like taking off. Don’t like flying. Don’t like landing. Don’t like baggage claim. Don’t like being lost. I do like other places however so I guess I will continue to travel until other places learn to come to me.

Top 5 Signs we are devolving as a society

  1. Lebron James - We boo Lebron James for wanting to work somewhere else even though 85% of us relish an opportunity to work elsewhere and wouldn’t mind announcing it on ESPN. “Jim, I’m taking my talents to the South Bronx. I heard UPS is still hiring.” Can’t imagine what it would be like if you were booed on your way home by the bus driver, general public, toll booth clerks, and random baby sitters all because you opted to work somewhere else.
  2. The Internet – Less interaction means less civility.  Most of us are prone to project a cavalier persona online whilst retaining a meek, church mousy demeanor in real life. I am not a thug but I play one on the Internet. Your powers are limitless when draped under the veil of anonymity.
  3. We settle political discourse with rants and rifles! Image is everything.
  4. We are desensitized to our own hypocrisy. We carry on about the evil doers at Enron as we pocket office supplies and manipulate our personal income taxes (I’m certain you donated $2,000 worth of Gucci loafers to the salvation army yet again this year). Theft is theft so your level of larceny may just be limited to your level of opportunity.
  5. #&%#! Santa Claus!! We are accountable to no one, not even Santa Claus. The further we pilgrimage away from all religions (and I am not advocating any religion necessarily, merely what it represents) the further we move away from a collective moral conscience that some require constant reminders of. Seems anarchy will be the solution if we don’t find something we truly believe in that is bigger than our own self-interest.

Great ideas that may never happen
  1. Slavery – Now I know what you’re thinking but hear me out first. What if we were to implement a new kind of neo slavery that wasn’t race based but power centered? Basically, you get to keep who you can beat up. I wouldn’t mind having my daily chores tended to by downtrodden 3rd graders and broken spirited grandmothers. Yeah, you’re right. It’s probably a bad idea.           
  2. Remote Controlled Remote Control - I have 4 remote controls and now I have a universal remote control to control my remote controls but you know, even that has gotten out of control. If only there were a way to just have someone change the channel for me. May have to revisit that slavery idea.
  3. Canned Vagina / Penis – To hell with Folgers Crystals. Can you imagine waking up to the crisp, clean, scintillating aroma of morning spring vagina? Of course I may never make it into work and you may find most men buried under multiple cans of empty Vagina, Vagina Light, Vagina, Dark, Extra Strength Vagina, and New and improved Vagina that throws itself out after usage but who cares?
*Warning reduced crime rate and extreme happiness may occur from prolonged usage.

4.     Peace on Earth- Let’s face it, we are a combative civilization. We have always fought and we will probably always fight. Maybe we should change the slogan to “Peace until further notice”.

7 Things I would love to hear someone say but probably never will
  1. “You are way too ugly to have children.”
  2. “That fart hurt!” 
  3. “And that’s why I punched that nun in the face!”
  4. “I think that baby is gay.”
  5. “Rent costs have taking yet another steep decline in the NYC housing market.”
  6. “I lost 30 pounds on my mac & cheese and BBQ ribs diet!!
  7. “BET wins yet another Emmy for outstanding television programming.”

6 reasons why you may still be single
  1. It’s always someone else’s fault the relationship didn’t work out.
  2. You are still looking for Da Fonz when Richie Cunningham is the one interested in a relationship.
  3. You are still looking for Denise Huxtable when Claire is the one interested in a relationship.
  4. You can’t seem to understand why she gets upset every time you sleep with her sister.
  5. You just aren’t mature enough to handle a real relationship and by the time you figure it out, you may be dead.
  6. You still believe in right and wrong.
Silent but Deadly's 
  1. What’s with naming natural disasters and plagues after women and small animals? Can I get some nomenclature that accurately depicts the impending dangers? What about Hurricane Hitler, Tropical Storm Basketball Wives, Lizard Pox, Rhino Flu, or Typhoid Bertha? Monkeys, birds, chickens, Irene and Katrina just don’t do it for me.
  2.  The people in your neighborhood are not your friends. The people @ your job are not your friends. The people from your school are not your friends. Those are your associates. The people who have met the people from your neighborhood, your job, and your school are your friends.
  3.  *In my do the right thing voice* How come ain’t no storms named after black people? Just once I would like to turn on the news and hear the weather man say “We seemed to have avoided Tropical Storm Kenyata but word life my G, Hurricane Latifah ain’t f*ckin’ ‘round with Floor da (Florida). She fittin’ to run all up and down the streets just breakin sh*t up. I don’t know ‘bout y’all but sheeeeeeeeeit, I’m out!”
  4.  If not eating makes people irritable, why aren’t all fat people happy?
  5.  When a woman says she doesn’t care how much you make, she means she doesn’t care how much you make after you’ve made the minimum amount required. 
  6.  When a man says he doesn’t care how much weight you put on, he’s lying.
  7.  Dear white women, if your boyfriend or spouse ever invites you to take a trip to Aruba, please call the producers of “How I almost got away with it” immediately. Aruba is to white women what Mississippi was to Black men. 

Sidebar: Sometimes you just have to let one rip. Sidebar complete

Monday, June 13, 2011

Don’t Hate Lebron, Hate ESPN & Kevin Garnett!

Is everybody happy now? The sports fans, media and all of those that despised “The Decision” are all breathing a collective sigh of relief as they wallow in the Dallas Mavericks victory over the Miami Heat. Lebron James may as well have been the guy who slapped Snooki or better yet, George Bush at the height of the Iraqi invasion given the amount of scrutiny Bron Bron has received since last July. I haven’t seen Americans this ecstatic about someone’s demise since the death of Bin Laden. Before Lebron’s effigy is constructed, placed in the town square and set ablaze for the remainder of the summer however, allow me to be the first to tell you all that you suck!

Can someone please explain to me why Lebron is such a terrible person? Because he is considered a superstar? He did not bestow that title upon himself. He actually worked very hard to be considered one of the best basketball players in the world. Is it because he likened himself to Michael Jordan a.k.a. basketball God? He actually never compared himself to Michael Jordan (thanks for that Scotty). He wore MJ’s # in admiration until he officially switched his number and requested that the #23 be retired from the entire NBA forever. So what on earth could it be? Ah yes, it’s the way he made his announcement to play for another team and the ensuing celebration with said team.

That still doesn’t explain the rampant and widespread hatred (at least outside of Cleveland). So then I asked myself certain pertinent questions like;

A) Who stands to benefit the most financially through ratings and advertising revenue from the media backlash?
B) Who is generating the media backlash?
C) Who has a monopoly on the sports commentary market?
D) Who has virtually every sports writer on their payroll and can easily disseminate any message of their choosing?
E) Who facilitated “The Decision” in the first place?

ESPN that’s who! I believe it was game five of the finals when Stuart Scott (ESPN anchor) began the pre game show with a montage of all the criticism Lebron had been receiving for his lackluster performance thus far. This montage consisted of several Sportscenter clips (ESPN program), commentary from Mike and Mike in the Morning (ESPN program), Sports Nation (ESPN program), 1st and 10 (ESPN program) and various other ESPN programs. Does anyone realize that the 24 hour, unilateral sports news cycle feeds on itself and will turn the most insignificant bit of news into a matter of national security? Does anyone care that there are 17 sports analysts and commentators for every sporting event broadcast who need to be compensated for their words of wisdom? Does anyone realize that public interest generates revenue so the more interest that is manifested, the higher the bottom line? Apparently not.

As for the fans whose sole (and quite frankly, lame) rational for not liking Lebron encompassed how he made the announcement, consider the following possibilities; If Lebron would have gotten on stage that fateful July 8th and announced that he isn’t going anywhere or that Dwayne Wade is coming to Cleveland, no one would’ve cared how he did it so let’s all just cut the crap right there. Fans are upset because his decision meant that a victory for their respective teams became less likely and also because ESPN told them to.

The long and short of it is too many people have no idea how to formulate their own opinions and often allow media personalities and events that have nothing to do with the subject matter to become the subject matter. If you chose not to like someone professionally then it really should be contingent on what they did or didn’t do professionally because quite frankly, that is the only relationship you have with that individual! I don’t like Kevin Garnett because of the way he plays the game. I think he is a dirty player and if I were an NBA player ever to be the unfortunate recipient of one of those errant, flailing jagged elbows, you better believe I am going to try my hardest to punch the big ticket. I may get KTFO,
but I will certainly have a problem based on his actions on the court. Isn’t that how it should be?

Sidebar:“You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” Sidebar complete.

We Reinvented the remix.