Tuesday, July 21, 2009

She Got It from Her Mami


When we last left off, I was talking about boobies (that’s what I wished she said). So it is only fitting that I speak on the lower extremities of the female anatomy this go round. I am of course speaking of the posterior, affectionately known as the booty, the fatty, the badukadunk, the ass, smuggled midgets, the onion, the apple, “Oh sh*t!”, “Damn!”, “Good God!”, Holy Jesus!”, “Yo Ma”, “The rent is late”, “The divorce is final”, “The car is keyed”, etc… What is it about a sun ripened coconut derriere that drives men, and let’s just be blunt and overtly racist here, black men in particular, so friggin’ insane? I have never seen a group of individuals typically hell bent on maintaining radio silence (specifically New York black men) become so garrulous after viewing a big booty bounce by. My Caucasian comrades are also highly susceptible to the effects of a ripe rump, although not as overtly weakened. Place a phatty in front of two male strangers in ANY environment and watch the salutations ensue (“Did you see that my brotha?! It was crazy son!”  “Why yes Bob. Yes I did. It was indeed swell!”). Through hours of painstaking research in countless bars, clubs, homecomings, and day to day field studies (I also saw a special on PBS), I have uncovered undisputable scientific evidence as to why your hubby / boyfriend / boss / Grandpa / Congressman / Reverend seems to lose his booty-lovin’ mind when an “ass so fat, you could sit a drink on it” is in his general vicinity. 

The following is a direct excerpt from other excerpts taken from Wikipedia and placed on my blog;

 Some researchers have found that the waist-hip ratio (WHR) is a significant measure of female attractiveness. Women with a 0.7 WHR are usually rated as more attractive by men from European cultures. Such diverse beauty icons as Audrey Hepburn, Marilyn Monroe, Sophia Loren and even the Venus de Milo all have or had ratios close to 0.7, even, even though they all have different weights and heights. In other cultures, preferences appear to vary according to some studies, ranging from 0.6 in China, to 0.8 or 0.9 in parts of South America and Africa, and divergent preferences based on ethnicity, rather than nationality, have also been noted.

 Why am I not surprised to find that Spanish and African men prefer bigger booties? They needed research for that? Can someone please pay me to do research on why humans need to breathe air since funding the obvious is clearly a growing trend.

 And since these clowns can make shit up about why I like big butts (I cannot lie), I decided to make up some of my own.

 I.C.M (Independent Cheek Movement) - Although the human female is not climbing a flight of stairs, the illusion can be recreated with the assistance of pedis elevatus devicus (high heel shoes). When supporting an A-1 booty, heels provide the perfect lift / vertical separation necessary for each butt cheek to levitate independently of each other. This phenomena has caused many an individual to board the wrong train, chart inefficient routes to and from desired destinations, spend unnecessary amounts of time loitering way after the party has ended and the venue has closed, then gone to Ihop in desperation of finding any other lingering errant booties that refuse to call it a night (as if he will not be doing it all agan the very next night), and a slew of other acts I, I mean men, have done to lengthen the witnessing of  this occurrence.

 The Face – Not to be confused with the Gas Face, “The Face” is traditionally seen only when

 1.        A Hip hop emcee has just heard the craziest track in his life.
 2.        A sports fan witnesses the execution of a “spectacular move” (see all MJ dunks on Patrick Ewing).
 3.        The morning after a bean burrito buffet.

  The “Right Stuff” has been known to induce street wide pandemics of The Face. The Face is readily identified by the wrinkle lines in the central region of the heterosexual male's / lesbian's cranial cortex , accompanied by a look of complete and utter del-usion (delight and confusion). The Face however is remarkably similar to the expression one makes when constipated so please be careful not to misconstrue the two.

 And there you go.  To answer the question on many a lady's mind and finally put the issue to rest, it is, in fact, that serious. So much so that there are Women in our society who are rich and famous for no other reason alone than their butts i.e. Jennifer Lopez, Buffy the body, Pinky (those who know, know), etc. So the next time you catch your beau mentally absconding with the backside of another, why not commend him for being in touch with nature? Too often do we ascribe to constructs that are subject to amendment but refuse to succumb to the irrefutable laws of nature / mother Africa. You wouldn’t be mad at a baby for being hungry would you so why lash out at a man for ahh forget it. I tried fellas. I suggest you all get a pair of sunglasses with tints darker than Flava Flav and Wesley Snipes fighting ninjas in a licorice factory during a blackout and get your perv on!

 Honorable mention to the new generation of booty’s whose spike in visibility has been attributed to;

 1.        BET Un-cut
2.        106 & Park
3.        Hollywood
4.        Hip Hop
5.        The entire Designer denim industry
6.        Hormone grown, genetically altered, steroid injected digestibles (food I believe it’s called)
7.        The FDA
8.        Apathy


Schultz said...

Yo Alf you get me every time man you are crazy!! (but quite true)

Daniel said...

You deserve a pulitzer!

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