Wednesday, July 29, 2009

How You Like-a De Spice?

All new age men please place one hand on Halle Berry and repeat after me;

I (state your name), as an advanced race of man, who has transcended all racial, economical, and prejudicial barriers, hereby do solemnly decree, from this day forth, to befriend, date, hold hands, impregnate, love, marry, remain faithful, divorce, cheat on, cheat with, and cheat for, ALL women, and of ALL races, colors and creeds,  provided they fulfill my sexual, emotional, intellectual, and aesthetic desires, both temporary and permanent.     

I shall not hold culpable the ignorance of those, both female and male, who are members of my individual race, and still cling steadfast to antiquated, Aryan inbreeding, non cross-fertilization practices. I realize that all women are the Creator’s creation, and that all vaginas bring about equal happiness and stress alike. I refer to my detractors as “haters”, brusheth their insolence offeth my shouldereth, and proceed with my daily goings and comings.

 I will hold in high regard and bestow bountiful accolades upon any man who returns with social networking anecdotes remotely resembling the following; “Yo son, she’s half Scandinavian / half Uruguayan and her Mom was raised in Brooklyn.” “Say word!?” “Word” shall in fact be said and many a pound / dap / high five / commonly accepted gesture for “You da’ man!”, shall be given to any and all males in the immediate vicinity, and within a two bar stool radius, and later again upon the retelling of said tales of conquests, and later again when the relationship has soured and you recount to your besteth of comrades the sordid and freaky acts that transpired on your living room sofa and caution that he never resteth his head on the throw pillows again t’were you him.

 I acquiesce wholly to this doctrine with the full understanding that my wife, girlfriend, mistress and / or female friends will berate, bemoan, and chastise me to the fullest extent of their shortsighted bias. I am prepared to withstand any backlash that may befall me. I have however prepared a series of aliases and surnames under which I shall use to conceal my identity in the event the “haters” should attempts to recover any written evidence of my involvement.

So say one, so say We all  


Captain James Tiberius Kirk

 Sidebar: GET OVER IT! Sidebar Complete.


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