Sunday, March 29, 2009

Word to your Mother

Did I ever tell you guys about the time I almost got arrested for pissing on the mayor of New York City? So it’s around Friday night in the city and I was on a blind date of sorts (around some Mexican restaurant on 54th and 8th). This is a few years back when Rudolph “My Quality of Life is Contingent on Your Wrongful Death and / or Sodimizing” Giuliani was our beloved mayor (and by beloved I mean behated). My date wasn’t that blind considering we had seen each other’s’s profile and enjoyed the other’s mega pixels very much (Her mega pixels were huge fellas!) Things were progressing extremely well until I violated my Funkmaster flex “No Drinks in ‘96” Policy. Only twist to this policy - it was directed at myself, I am in fact a lightweight and after two drinks, there may or may not be a vile and / or bile occurrence, but I am definitely playing Russian roulette. So five drinks later, I am feeling like something bad is about to happen. Really, really bad. You know the feeling you get when you know some liquid is about to emerge from somewhere but you are not certain which orifice is scheduled for today’s false start? Yeah, that was me. Thank Jehovah, Allah and Imotep that it was the lesser of three evils. My bladder had had enough and my urethra Franklin decided to sing the praises of Long Island ice teas and Coronas (without lime as not to violate the man code). I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to stop and there was no bathroom in sight. I alerted my date of my quandary and she told me to do what I had to do. So, I untucked my penis from my sock, unleashed at least 2 feet of it, and then proceeded to urinate on the backdoor of a restaurant. Would you like to guess who decides to makes his exit from said backdoor while I was writing my name in lower case, Time’s New Roman, 24 point font, mid stream? Yes, you guessed it. “Nice shoes Mister Mayor!”

The story you have just read is a complete and utter fabrication. As much as I would’ve loved to tinkle all over Giuliani’s Johnston and Murphy’s, this never happened. If you remember Rudy well, had this actually happened, you all would be pouring out forty ounces to honor me on the anniversary of yet another African mistakenly shot 72 times in the spine.

I lied for a reason. The reason is: I am getting tired of people lying for no reason. Is there any integrity left anywhere? I lie to my friends, family, strangers, and anyone within earshot and they all happily reciprocate. My closest relationships are quasi - defined by the people that I lie to the least or am the most honest with (however you chose to spin it). We have grown so accustomed to lying that we find many ways to couch it as to not unravel our perceived moral fibers. Fibbing, white lies, not keeping your word, dishonorable, etc… All those are variations of lying and you are lying to yourself if you believe otherwise. Here are some examples of low-grade lies, but lies nonetheless:

• When you tell your friends you are attending an event or party then you don’t show up or call. Because they will disown you if you just say you can’t make it, right?
• When you tell someone you will be somewhere at a certain time but you are not there on time. Because you didn’t know you were gonna be late and couldn’t call ahead right?
• When an employer tells you they will be in touch after an interview and lack of correspondence is their means of correspondence. As I was the only black man in the building upon entry, I already knew I wasn’t qualified for the position. You could’ve told me when you first saw me and saved us both some time.
• All the lies you tell your kids when you want them to leave you alone, don’t know the answer or don’t feel like explaining (“Word son? Santa Claus bought you that Playstation 3 son?”)
• All the lies your parents told you when they wanted you to leave them alone, didn’t know or didn’t feel like explaining (“Word father? The holy spirit is real son?”)
• All the lies my teachers told me because they were told to tell me (“Word Mr. Kotter son? Ponce DeLeon was looking for the fountain of youth and not trying to capture Native Americans as slaves son?”)
• All the lies my doctors told me to make a profit. (“Word Dr. Sonstein? I need to see you 30 more times at 30 dollars per co-pay so you can tell me that dust makes me sneeze son?”)
• All the lies the advertisers told me to get me to buys some product (“Word son? Snapple is made from the best stuff on earth son? WTF is STUFF son?”)

We all justify our dishonesty by affirming that it is either innocuous or since others constantly engage in prevarication also; it wouldn’t make a difference if we amended our behavior. You are right. It won’t. So maybe we should all start taking responsibility for ourselves AND those around us. Maybe not checking your boy when he shows up 9 hours late isn’t the best means of furthering personal development on anyone’s part. Maybe you should call that employer and let him know you spent time and money to interview and letting you know the outcome is not a privilege but a professional courtesy (you already didn’t get the job so what do you have to lose?) .

As for the harmless nature of lying, we live by words (constitutions, contracts, laws, promises, etc…) You have nothing but your word. Even ACTION is a word. Every instance you engage in dishonor, you strengthen your ability to resist peace of mind, as your well-being is a direct reflection of your ability to keep your word. Look around you. Now look inside you. What have you said you were going to do but has yet to be accomplished? Now, how does that make you feel?


Anonymous said...

I lied!

K. T. Mitchell said...

Word, Son? So I can't at least get a story about somebody peeing on Guliani?

Harold said...

Can a truth have a lie while a lie has some truth?

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