We Can Rebuild Her. We Have the Technology!

It’s no secret that men will do just about anything for women. We will board the wrong train car, buy a car, walk the opposite direction, walk the same direction faster, rob, steal, kill, go to school (no one knew the graduation rate at certain institutions of higher learning but most assuredly testified to the male/female ratio) and a slew of other dubious excursions for the sake of the ladies. If it weren’t for women, I don’t think I would’ve ever left New York. No offense to Virginia, Atlanta, and Myrtle Beach, but I would’ve never touched down on your fertile grounds t’were it not for rumors of touchdowns on fertile grounds. Rumors that had to be confirmed first hand for the sake of “fair and balanced” reporting. Ahhhh good times!! So for all the hooplas men jump through over a pair of high heels and a tight skirt, how come women haven’t figured out that they really don’t need high heels and a tight skirt to get what they already have?

Women put a lot of work into appearance. The booming grooming, cosmetic, fashion, fragrance, footwear and every other market associated with Build-a-Broad (patent pending) can attest to this. And of course, things always get taken to extremes. Between the big wigs, big shoes and big eye lashes, several women are one red nose away from becoming licensed clowns in all 51 states (Puerto Rico pending). Why so much work ladies? And spare me the “I do it for me” spiel. You guys wear high heels for your benefit like men wear pumpkin hued sweaters for theirs. After observing the awkward gait of several dames gallivanting in high heels (my corns throb just watching), I’m convinced medieval torture in the form of stilettos is not a satisfactory means of pampering. You do what gets attention and you do what works, and albeit painful, it works. It really works. Did I mention it works? But I digress.

Now don’t get me wrong, we (men) do appreciate the efforts. I just don’t know if women realized that if they stopped going through these beautification rituals tomorrow, men would find other transient attributes to gravitate toward in 2-3 minutes, tops. If you guys shaved your heads and wore white sheets, men would immediately begin commentary on who had the sexiest scalp and speculate heavily over what lies under your 300-thread count (“Did you see them sheets son?! Damn!!”) It would be the first time in history no one had an issue with white sheets and skin heads in Harlem.

Truth be told, men really don’t care. As long as a woman is physically attractive, we could care less about the garnish. We are well aware that the garnish is meant to dress up the bird but seriously, no one ever left the dinner table talking about how magically delicious the garnish was.

Maybe it’s not just about men. There could be more to this. Is their some sort of competition going on that merits all the pageantry? Of course there is! In addition to the competition caused by an everlasting drought of “good” men (It hasn’t rained men in years), the merciless promotion of low self-esteem in the name of Proactiv-ly selling Neet products is certainly at an all time high. The cosmetic industry is in competition to disarm women of their disposable income. We have reached a point that almost all parts of a woman can be purchased over the counter (“Can I have some titties and a diet Pepsi?”). All parts except of course the one part that if it were capable of being purchased, men would be the predominant consumers. Can you imagine how many new and pre-owned vagina dealerships would open nationwide if that ever hit the market? Not to mention the black market, bootleg and fake vaginas sold on Canal Street. But I digress.

Let us also not forget futile efforts to defeat aging. I don’t know one woman who hasn’t been “25” years old at least twice. Women are engaged (poor choice of words) in a battle against an unrelenting adversary; Themselves.

Please allow myself to help you win the battle against…yourself(?). Ladies, you may be wasting your time trying to please men. We are fickle and horny. We certainly don’t care to an extent that merits the level of effort you extend. Few have turned their nose up at a beautiful woman because her eyebrows weren’t plucked to perfection. We may however suggest she wear a headband and shades all the time (I keed I keed). I’m not sure who the first man was to compliment a woman on her long-lasting lustrous lashes by L’Oreal but he was probably also attracted to the same man she was.

Men are visual and are most often drooling over the image of beauty as we are the actual woman. Imagery which today means tight jeans, high heels, long hair and everything else popping out. I’ve caught myself looking at mannequins like “damn, she can get it!” Under the appropriate lighting, the silky caress of a monkey’s paw would probably turn most men on (“Coco meant nothing to me. I swear!”). That should give you sense of just how fickle we are. Truthfully, men are more concerned with what lies beneath the Manolos and mascara (your hearts and minds of course). All the products in the world won’t help if you aren’t taking good care of yourselves physically and mentally. What good is a hot comb in one hand if you have hot wings in the other?

As for father time, that is one man you don’t have to try to attract. And since you can’t escape him, may as well embrace him. The beauty of aging is you get to add experience to the package and broaden your overall horizon. Age helps you avoid the trouble your young, tight, perky, naive buns used to get you into. Live in the present and get your Claire Huxtable on whenever the time comes.