Okay ladies, I’ve had just about enough of your crap! Once upon a time, a man could take a shower, iron his clothes, and spray 17 squirts of cK1 (I like the classics) on his neck bone and not be likened to Will & Grace or Perez Hilton (“Will, I am gay!”). If gay is your thing then by all means do you, just don’t try to do me. No offense to anyone homosexual. I am GLADD for you but I am not a member. I am a man whore. I am a straight-lord. I am a lesbian. I love women. Even as I say this, some bimbo-infested floosy just had this thought prance across her mind: “He’s just saying that. I know he gay ‘cause he read books and shit!” Firstly, may your clitorati shrivel up, fall off then out of your dress, eventually knocking the “F” smooth off your fake Fendi bag, in a public setting. Secondly, I have been hearing accusations from the Spandex Inquisition, a.k.a. women, questioning the sexuality of every single, single or married man who crosses her path, then, rejecting every answer unless it is an affirmation of her prior suspicions:
Accusysha: How do I know you’re straight? Wilt: Because I said so. Accusysha: What dat mean? You could still be gay. Wilt: I’m married and I have 2 kids. Accusysha: What dat mean? You could still be gay. Wilt: I’ve slept with over 20,000 women. Accusysha: What dat mean? You could still be gay. Wilt: I am not attracted to men!! Accusysha: What dat mean? You could still be gay. Wilt: I’m out. You are crazy lady!
Cut to: Cosigniqua returning from bathroom as Wilt storms away in anger:
Cosigniqua: What up with him girl? He’s cute. Accusysha: Girl, he gay! Cosigniqua: Sheeeeeit. I know that’s right. They all gay!
I miss the good old days where the only 2 questions you would come to expect were “Are you employed?” and “Are you single?” Now, “Are you gay?” is something you should come to expect and somehow not be offended by (I guess). The first couple of times I heard this, I had to thoroughly check the man in the mirror. What the f*ck am I doing wrong? I don’t wear skinny leg jeans, earrings in one or both ears, jewelry, get mani-pedi’s, drive a pink Range Rover, wear lip gloss, and …ok. Now I see what’s going on. The straight guy’s seem to have a little queer stuck in their eye (or stuck in their closet at the very least, no pun intended).
There has been a steady influx of homosexual, metro-sexual, and regulo-sexual men who just happen to over care about their appearance. More and more men are raised and dressed by our single mommas so is it any wonder that men put more emphasis on style? If you grew up in NY, there was no getting away from fashion. As I mentioned several blogs ago, there were gangs dedicated to fashion designers in the eighties and early nineties. That was/is the culture and if you questioned any cashmere knitted, designer framed pretty boy’s sexuality, you had better be combat ready because an ass kicking was surely on deck.
We also saw how you women swooned over Al B. Sure when he hit the stage. We saw all those Word-Up magazine posters of translucent-suited, translucent-skinned, pretty boy R&B groups adorning your bedroom walls. What the hell did you expect to happen to our tastes? We warned you to stop listening to Wendy “How you dooin?” Williams and her gay witch hunts before it was too late. But did you listen? Noooo. Now look at ya? You can’t tell whose who. You guys are more confused than the ones you confuse with being confused.
E. Lynn Harris (RIP), on the “down-low” novels (of which women are the predominant audience I suspect), the Bravo channel, MTV, and a slew of other mass media outlets have contributed tremendously to what I can only describe as an onslaught of effeminate African American figures on television and in print. Seems the only good television Negro, is a gay television Negro.
Oddly enough, one of the most misogynist, sexist, and homophobic genres in all of entertainment plays a greater role than it cares to admit. I am speaking of hip hop music and the images conveyed. Not since the pride parade have there been so many men wearing tight clothes, jewelry and make up, simply because it makes them feel fabulous (that’s F-A-B-U, not F-A-B-O). It was once said that all rappers aspire to be old rich white women and I can literally see why.
Straight men have even had to change their insults toward each other for what was once deemed offensive and emasculating may now be misconstrued as some sort of subconscious invitation (“Yo son, why you always saying suck my d*ck” & kiss my a**? You gay?”)
For your consideration, please try and take into account that not all men wish to smell like 3 day old buffalo ass dipped in a creamy shit sauce. Some of us do like to keep it clean, “jiggy”, “fresh to death”, “fly”, etc… And although some definitely take it too far, do not make the assumption that every man in a pink polo wants to play with your little pony.
Reverse the situation for a minute. Imagine some guy walked up to you and asked, “Excuse me, are you a man?” That is essentially what you are asking a straight man when you accuse, uh I mean, question him. And trust me, if you are on your game, you will find out soon enough whose straight and whose not without having to open your mouth (well, at least not at first- insert Jadakiss laugh here).
So fellas, I guess this is the new norm we will have to accept. There is nothing you can do about it. You can at least take some solace in the fact that it’s not due to any act you are committing, unless you are actually skipping around town holding hands with another dude wearing matching strawberry colored “HIS” and “HIS” scarves, in which case, it’s totally you.
Cut to: later that evening as Wilt and Accusysha lay in bed after 5 minutes of mind blowing intercourse.
Wilt: …but I slept with your cousin, your aunt, you, and Cosigniqua, twice! Accusysha: “What dat mean ...
Welcome to Dating 2009! Please enter your username and password to access love. WARNING!! All prior courting rituals have been upgraded to a wireless, hands-free, paperless, blue-toothed, e-fficient process for your mass consumption. The days of pens and errant shards of paper needed to jot down a phone # have long passed (remember being screwed because after doing all that wooing, you couldn’t find a pen?). Also gone are the days when you whipped out your Motorola StarTac 8500 flip phoneto punch in her Smart Beep pager # (1800 BEEP-199),only to send her a numeric “hello” message (01134 viewed upside down). Your only requirement now is a last name, so you can “friend” a potential boo on a social networking website, in the event of course, your cell phone has died, or her cell phone has died, or she can’t “beam” it to your two-way pager, etc… And this is if you even desire human interaction. Otherwise, you can Match.com a Fling.com on eHarmony.com, and with very minimal effort, Period.com!
To update the unsuspecting on today’s digital dating trends, I have comprised some scenarios under which online courting has been known to take place. If you are not familiar, you have probably been a victim.
Probable Internet Mating Practices (P.I.M.P)
1. He sends you a friend request and you have never met him before.“I know you from where? Third grade?”
2. There is nothing instant about your instant message (IM) chat. What started out as a “What’s up?” has turned into Aaliyah’s “Four Page Letter”. If you really wanted to be online this long, you would’ve gone to the DMV (I’ll be here all week).
3. She follows your every online move. She knows you just left Youtube and stopped by Gmail on your way to Twitter. She told me to tweet you that you’ve just been outbid on Ebay, she likes your Flickr pics and said you could’ve borrowed her copy of Fatal Attraction instead of downloading it on Limewire. As you are reading this, she is sending you a message; “Hey, where ya been? It’s been 4 minutes. ”
4. She has filled her space on Mypsace with your face.In what can easily be misconstrued as a shrine, she has more comments, pics, and posts of you than your mother. “How the hell did you get my sonogram?
5. You can do no wrong.He loves everything you have to say. If you changed your facebook status to say, “I hate you Joe, please leave me the hell alone,” Joe would check the “Like” thumbs-up icon and leave the following comment: “I know what you mean beautiful. I can be so annoying sometimes. Can I have your number? Can I have it? Can I? Huh? Can I?”
So have you been attacked by P.I.M.P’s recently?
It is of course all fun and games until someone gets into a relationship. Soon after, technology becomes more of an issue than any prior generation has ever had to deal with. For one, your illicit and secretive transgressions can potentially be uncovered via open email accounts left unattended, undeleted call histories and the camera phones in your friends and family plan:
“Hey girl. I missed you today. I missed you so much that I had my boy follow you. He uploaded a picture and video from his iphone of you in Starbucks three hours from now. I know coffee gives you gas because I had your blood tested while you were sleeping so what the hell was you doin’ with a mocha latte Anna Mae?”
In addition, the idea of being readily available at a moment’s whim is still a new phenomenon and just as your employer has tethered you with the “perk” of a company Blackberry, once you are wired to be wireless, an equally irrational if not more expedient response time is expected from your partner. If you have ever received two texts from your beau simultaneously and they read: “Hey how you doing?” followed immediately by, “What the hell is taking you so long to respond to my text? I know you have at least 3 bars of reception because I used your phone from where you are right now.” 2 missed calls, 3 voicemails and 7 text messages later, there is a knock on the bathroom stall at your job and as you stare at your boo’s shoes from the other side of the potty, you start to wonder, “Is this really the person for me?” The answer is no btw, might I also suggest witness protection?
As always, it boils down to the amount of trust you and your partner have established. With that said, you also have to be aware of their insecurities and somehow apply that to your actions. Is it fair? Of course it’s not fair silly child but you didn’t sign up for fair, you signed up for love.
With that said, there are equally unifying & contradictory roles women (naïve conspirers) and men (jealous man-whores) assume in the dating world. Women seem to have men eating out of the palm of their Blackberries while oblivious to our initial intentions (sorry ladies, we saw your booty before we saw your brain). Meanwhile, men shower women with adoration then expect them to scale that desire for attention 100% back once they are in a relationship. If you are not prepared to replace the love and affection she was receiving from the free world when you met her, including all those FREE drinks you were buying her and that burning desire you had to see her everyday, maybe you should date uglier women. Now there’s a thought . . . Nah! Besides, they want attention too. ABORT. RETRY. FAIL.
Enter both word below, separated by a space.
DaTiNg CoMpLeX!
Are you sure you want to send?
Sidebar: Through further journalist efforts (more lying,) I have uncovered what Online P.I.M.P.’s really mean when they use Internet jargon.
Men LOL –Laying Out the Labia ROFL – Rolling on the Floor Lovemaking SMH- Shaking My Head (and not the one on my shoulders) SMDH – Same as above, ‘nuff said LMAO – Lusting My Ass Off
Women LOL – Living Our Lives together (don’t worry about the “T”. You think it’s easy coming up with this sh*t?) ROFL – Reliant On Finding Love SMH – Marry me SMDH – Marry me now LMAO – Marry me now some more!
Anne Coulture? “I ‘m sorry did someone say something? I can’t hear anything over the deafeningly unilateral tones of my own opinions, so I must have imagined that voice.”
Reverend Professor Michael Eric Dyson? “I am indubitably, undeniably, irrefutably, and in effect, in the present and current vicinity of said regional and jurisdictional blah blah blah…”
Bill O’Really? “It’s like I said in my book, Whose Looking Out For You . . .”
So we’ve all had our Michelob Lights and Cherry Wheat Samuel Adams on the White House lawn. Is everybody happy now? All pundits currently representing opposing factions of the undeclared, casualty ridden race war have rolled up their sleeves, shaken hands (with fingers crossed) and agreed to disagree. The Nutty Professor, Sargent Jim Crow, uh, I mean, Joe Crowley, President Negro the First, and who? Joe the VP? WTF is he doing here? Is he here for symmetry (offsetting two Negroes with two White Joes)? In any event, so much has been made of the arrest of Dr. Henry Louis Gates over the past few weeks that the country has been forced to overlook news pertinent to the survival of this great nation (like Michael Jackson’s toxicology reports). Just in case you’ve somehow missed the sordid details, let me bring you up to speed…
One late summer’s eve (eewww), Harvard University Professor Henry Louis Gates found himself bereft at his own absentmindedness (is this a Charles Dickens tale?). Upon returning to his quaint Cambridge abode centered in Harvard Square, Massachusetts, it seems the good professor had forgotten his house keys and locked himself out. Professor Gates was left with no recourse but to force entry through his own window with the help of a comrade (or call a locksmith). Upon witnessing this act, Ms. Benita Butrella.k.a a concerned neighbor immediately alerted the Cambridge Police Department to the then Unidentified Professor & Co’s (UPC) code of conduct. C.P.D. promptly arrived on the scene (wonder what the response time would have been in Compton), confirmed the professor’s identity and that he was in fact in his own residence, then proceeded to arrest him for disorderly conduct after a still unclear verbal exchange involving the words “Yo mama” (was Fez / Wilma Valderama there?). Caucasian Constable Joseph Crowley’s seemingly unconventional arrest of the African-American professor set off public outrage causing everyone with an asshole - a.k.a. an opinion - to chime in.
The most publicized comment came from our beloved standing leader, President B.A. (Black American) Barack Obama. During a nationally televised press conference, the Prez proceeded to call the arresting officer a big dummy, more specifically stating he (the Crow), behaved “stupidly” in arresting H.G., not doing so Wells for his war of the words. This prompted a media firestorm pitting the black White House against the white black-sensitivity-trained officer. A precedent was set in this instance of racial profiling, and for the first time ever, the leader of the United States possessed partial membership to the longstanding protagonist’s party and displayed some semblance of empathy. There was hope across the land, as some felt there might finally be a resolve to all race issues because, after all, “My President is Black!”(but race relations are still gray).
in 1995, Earl "Butch" Graves Jr, son of Black Enterprise Magazine founder Earl Graves, was detained in Grand Central Station for fitting the description. Some of you may or may not know this but fitting the description is an actual felony in most African-American communities. I’ve personally been detained, illegally searched, and humiliated for this on multiple occasions but I will just list these:
1. The murder of a police officer in Staten Island (because the car we were driving in Brooklyn was registered in Staten Island). 2. Bank robbery in Far Rockaway (I was sitting in a parked car at night). 3. Drug dealing in Washington Square Park (the description was black male, blue jean shorts, white tee shirt, in July. . . how uncommon). 4. Being a “junior gangster” in the middle of the night (we were sitting at a red light as the police car made an illegal U-turn, pulled up behind us, took everyone out of the car and frisked us all, then searched the car including the trunk.
I won't even mention when WE called NYPD because all four of our van tires were slashed and the cops showed up, then lined us up against the very same van and frisked us. Nope, won't mention that. I seem to live in the wrong place at the wrong time I guess, or maybe I am not unique and it happens more frequently than the powers that be are comfortable admitting. Back to Earl Jr. Had he not been the son of an affluent and known businessman, we would have never known of this and yet another “unfortunate” occurrence would have been swept under the rug. Similar to Gates-Gate, there was an initial uproar, then there was a down roar and we all returned to our respective race corners and proceeded to “tag in” the next representatives to squabble over civil liberties.
Battle Royal
“Weighing in at two million convictions, 1 sodomy, 41 shell casings, and an additional 50 shell casings, we have , Justin Voulpe, the NYPD Street Crimes Unit, the LAPD and the Criminal Justice system. And in the other corner, at a combined weight of 41 shots in yo ass, 50 shots in yo’ ass, multiple batons swings to the jujunitz, and 2 million incarcerated, we have Abner Louima, Rodney King, AmadouDiallo (RIP), Sean Bell (RIP), and the Prison Industrial Complex.”
There are individuals who unknowingly subscribe to skewed ideals of “justice” just as there are those that need to be disproportionately disciplined and “rehabilitated” . Who is literally at fault is not so easily discernible. What I do know is that given the history between law enforcement and African Americans, to automatically dismiss racial bias is a definite red flag and clearly indicative of racial bias. As any police officer will tell you, ignorance of the law will not be admissible in court so why should ignorance of precedent be any more palatable? To date, no crime was committed and all charges were dropped so if there weren't other motivators for Prof Gates arrest, what written laws support Sargent Crowley's actions? It very well could be anger which would make "Joe Crow" unprofessional or it could be prejudice, which would also make him unprofessional. Maybe one day we may all learn to operate equitably despite racial differences rather than pretending they don’t exists (but I doubt it).
Sidebar: Through arduous journalistic efforts (lying) I have obtained the original transcripts of President Obama’s comments and translated the contents into the urban Negro dialect.
What He Said: “Stupidly”
What He Meant: Aw hell to the No! How Po Po gonna run up on my dude Skip in his own crib on some bullshit! Big homieliydere son! (liydere – lives there). Y’all gonna make me come up off this podium and bus you in yo’ mouf if y’all don’t chill the f*ck out! Sidebar complete.
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