Saturday, August 15, 2009

“Girl, He Gay!”

Okay ladies, I’ve had just about enough of your crap! Once upon a time, a man could take a shower, iron his clothes, and spray 17 squirts of cK1 (I like the classics) on his neck bone and not be likened to Will & Grace or Perez Hilton (“Will, I am gay!”). If gay is your thing then by all means do you, just don’t try to do me. No offense to anyone homosexual. I am GLADD for you but I am not a member. I am a man whore. I am a straight-lord. I am a lesbian. I love women. Even as I say this, some bimbo-infested floosy just had this thought prance across her mind: “He’s just saying that. I know he gay ‘cause he read books and shit!” Firstly, may your clitorati shrivel up, fall off then out of your dress, eventually knocking the “F” smooth off your fake Fendi bag, in a public setting. Secondly, I have been hearing accusations from the Spandex Inquisition, a.k.a. women, questioning the sexuality of every single, single or married man who crosses her path, then, rejecting every answer unless it is an affirmation of her prior suspicions:

Accusysha: How do I know you’re straight?
Wilt: Because I said so.
Accusysha: What dat mean? You could still be gay.
Wilt: I’m married and I have 2 kids.
Accusysha: What dat mean? You could still be gay.
Wilt: I’ve slept with over 20,000 women.
Accusysha: What dat mean? You could still be gay.
Wilt: I am not attracted to men!!
Accusysha: What dat mean? You could still be gay.
Wilt: I’m out. You are crazy lady!

Cut to: Cosigniqua returning from bathroom as Wilt storms away in anger:

Cosigniqua: What up with him girl? He’s cute.
Accusysha: Girl, he gay!
Cosigniqua: Sheeeeeit. I know that’s right. They all gay!

I miss the good old days where the only 2 questions you would come to expect were “Are you employed?” and “Are you single?” Now, “Are you gay?” is something you should come to expect and somehow not be offended by (I guess). The first couple of times I heard this, I had to thoroughly check the man in the mirror. What the f*ck am I doing wrong? I don’t wear skinny leg jeans, earrings in one or both ears, jewelry, get mani-pedi’s, drive a pink Range Rover, wear lip gloss, and …ok. Now I see what’s going on. The straight guy’s seem to have a little queer stuck in their eye (or stuck in their closet at the very least, no pun intended).

There has been a steady influx of homosexual, metro-sexual, and regulo-sexual men who just happen to over care about their appearance. More and more men are raised and dressed by our single mommas so is it any wonder that men put more emphasis on style? If you grew up in NY, there was no getting away from fashion. As I mentioned several blogs ago, there were gangs dedicated to fashion designers in the eighties and early nineties. That was/is the culture and if you questioned any cashmere knitted, designer framed pretty boy’s sexuality, you had better be combat ready because an ass kicking was surely on deck.

We also saw how you women swooned over Al B. Sure when he hit the stage. We saw all those Word-Up magazine posters of translucent-suited, translucent-skinned, pretty boy R&B groups adorning your bedroom walls. What the hell did you expect to happen to our tastes? We warned you to stop listening to Wendy “How you dooin?” Williams and her gay witch hunts before it was too late. But did you listen? Noooo. Now look at ya? You can’t tell whose who. You guys are more confused than the ones you confuse with being confused.

E. Lynn Harris (RIP), on the “down-low” novels (of which women are the predominant audience I suspect), the Bravo channel, MTV, and a slew of other mass media outlets have contributed tremendously to what I can only describe as an onslaught of effeminate African American figures on television and in print. Seems the only good television Negro, is a gay television Negro.

Oddly enough, one of the most misogynist, sexist, and homophobic genres in all of entertainment plays a greater role than it cares to admit. I am speaking of hip hop music and the images conveyed. Not since the pride parade have there been so many men wearing tight clothes, jewelry and make up, simply because it makes them feel fabulous (that’s F-A-B-U, not F-A-B-O). It was once said that all rappers aspire to be old rich white women and I can literally see why.

Straight men have even had to change their insults toward each other for what was once deemed offensive and emasculating may now be misconstrued as some sort of subconscious invitation (“Yo son, why you always saying suck my d*ck” & kiss my a**? You gay?”)

For your consideration, please try and take into account that not all men wish to smell like 3 day old buffalo ass dipped in a creamy shit sauce. Some of us do like to keep it clean, “jiggy”, “fresh to death”, “fly”, etc… And although some definitely take it too far, do not make the assumption that every man in a pink polo wants to play with your little pony.

Reverse the situation for a minute. Imagine some guy walked up to you and asked, “Excuse me, are you a man?” That is essentially what you are asking a straight man when you accuse, uh I mean, question him. And trust me, if you are on your game, you will find out soon enough whose straight and whose not without having to open your mouth (well, at least not at first- insert Jadakiss laugh here).

So fellas, I guess this is the new norm we will have to accept. There is nothing you can do about it. You can at least take some solace in the fact that it’s not due to any act you are committing, unless you are actually skipping around town holding hands with another dude wearing matching strawberry colored “HIS” and “HIS” scarves, in which case, it’s totally you.

Cut to: later that evening as Wilt and Accusysha lay in bed after 5 minutes of mind blowing intercourse.

Wilt: …but I slept with your cousin, your aunt, you, and Cosigniqua, twice!
Accusysha: “What dat mean ...

Sidebar: "You know how I know you’re gay? Because you only have sex with women.” Sidebar complete.


Jam said...

I hear you and I am thinking how this can be rectified. All it took was to know one man on the down low or that they even exist to have us become suspicious. We didn't think that was something WE had to worry about. When men are having sex with men and lying about it as they sleep with women, where does that leave straight women? I have asked this of many of my girlfriends- can we create an environment where it is as okay for a man to be bisexual as it is for a woman. Then they wouldn't need to lie about it. They didn't think so.

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