Nino Brown, C.P.A

During these brief months, I have had the distinct pleasure of experiencing this here recession from all angles. Whether it be personal, or from friends and families' point of view, I think I can safely say that A) it sucks & B) it won’t last forever. But the most unique perspective I have heard thus far is that of your local street pharmacist. And by street pharmacist, I mean your friendly neighborhood hustler. And by hustler, I mean the reason Mexico is in turmoil currently. And by Mexico I mean, ah screw it, drug dealer. I got the inside scoop on how the down turn in the economy has effected their business and how the North American, Chrome Rimmed Hustler has averted extinction and adapted to his / her rapidly changing habitat. Lets watch.

It was interesting to find that one of the major consumers of the drug dealer's thriving enterprise were upper middle class and affluent neighborhoods. Legend and stereotype has it that drug usage runs rampant in poor and underprivileged neighborhoods. Legend also has it that neighborhoods that are affluent / being gentrified have an overabundance of the primary resource necessary to stay afloat in this illicit business; MONEY!! The major difference between these affluent neighborhoods and their poverty stricken counterparts however is that they also possess the primary resource necessary to control the lawlessness that consumes poorer barrios; MONEY!! Think of it as a controlled chaos / organized confusion of sorts. The crack heads are most certainly still there but they are lined up, single file and they are not shooting up in the crack house but merely experimenting with recreational amphetamines at the Gerald & Tammy Foundation & Open House (G.T.F.O.H, and yes it means something else.)

It was hilarious to find out how Lehman Brothers shares had faired at market close from my subjects (they were concerned for my future financial stability since I was employed there, and theirs as well for consistent clientele manifested primarily in the “Good” part of town.) What was not hilarious however was how serious both my test subjects were about managing their finances. In order to fly under the radar when engaging in illegal activity, your accounting savvy must be second to none. If the Federal Reserve and its counterparts were half as adept as Bernie Madoff’s accountant, the streets would be literally littered with Lire as we speak. Both these guys actually gave some very sound advice, which I will now share with you:

1. I Don’t See Nothing Wrong With a Little Credit Balance on Your Bills. Yes, a credit balance. There are certain months that you have extra cash and nothing to spend it on. Why not spend it on your light bill? Sounds crazy right? But look at it this way. Do you run out of gas before you refill the tank? Why not pay your bills ahead of schedule and have reserves for the months your commission check looks nervous or when holidays and emergencies arise (and they will?) A huge but undervalued tool in wealth building rests in expense management.

2. Buy in Bulk. One of these guys had a love affair with Costco that only a ninety seven year old, coupon clipping, Titanic surviving, great grandmother could appreciate (salute that woman). I can only imagine this love affair with three hundred spools of Brawny paper towels was not just to save money, but also harbored an opportunity cost component (as in the time not spent in the mislabeled “Dried Foods” aisle could be better served on tasks of dire relevance.)

3. Save it When You Have It. Of my two test subjects, one has since sold his extremely luxury vehicle and moved into more modest accommodations. The old school Republican of the two (and I mean that in a fiscally conservatively good way) has since cashed in one of his CD’s (certificates of deposit) at point of almost maturity (the fees were of no consequence), purchased, gutted and remodeled his new abode, complete with an island in the kitchen and now resides in a neighborhood with his clientele that I will one day be able to afford if I work really hard. I can’t believe my parents had the nerve to raise me right!

With that said, I have comprised a small but effective list of some ideas to help you in your time of need (if you’re smart then you realize that your time of need occurs way before your time of need occurs.)

Hypnotic Brass Ensemble – If good music is your sort of thing, you can find tons of places in the city for free entertainment. Start on 42 & 7th where this group of young musicians from Chicago perform free for passer bys. If you can’t afford to pick up a cd (the best 10 bucks you'll spend in a while), then just circle the block until you have heard every single song, then go about your business. It’s feel good music. And don’t worry, when the Variety Summer Guide of free events come out, I will forward that along also.

http://www.newjobfetch.com/ - If you are currently unemployed or just looking to transition, this website basically does a majority of the work for you. They place your resume in front of industry specific search engines (who knew there was more than 5) in addition to the majors (Monster, Yahoo, Hot Jobs, etc . . .) Now I know what your thinking; “Why should I spend money when I don’t have any? Simple. Buy in Bulk (see # 2 above). You are paid for your time invested so if you factor, then pro rate the amount of time spent rifling through jobs in front of individual search engines daily, the service pays for itself in one to 2 of your man hours. It's a similar concept to sponsoring children, only you don’t have to give up the 39 cent cup of coffee Sally Struthers requested (39 cents for coffee? How old was that commercial anyway?)

IPodrip - For all those who have an ipod and are looking for a way to retrieve files from your ipod and copy it back to your desktop, here’s a link to Ipodrip. This is a demo version but you can buy the full version. This doesn’t really save you money but it’s cool and Apple products are friggin' expensive so here’s a freebie (don’t tell Steve Jobs I sent ‘cha.) And if you already knew about it then why didn’t you share?

There you have it. Everything you need to get through this recession (music and opportunity). And for all you young whippersnappers aspiring towards a life of crime, unless you enjoy paying your bills ahead of schedule, saving money, and purchasing tons of toilet paper, stay your ass in school!

What recession proof tips / hints do you have for your community (drug dealer inspired or not?)

Read more »

Mixed Nuts

Slavery often gets a bum rap. We are all aware of the inhumane practices, reckless murders, degradation of self-esteem, destruction of the African American family structure for generations, yada yada yada, so forth and so on. But once you get over that (and you have to), you also have to consider and accept that there had to have been some positive, latent benefits to forced, race based, 168-hour workweeks. It must have been so much easier to pick up a spot up shooter from the house for your three on three b-ball games, or forge a quartet from the fields to work out all your harmonies, arrangements and progressions as an aspiring song writer (“Why I always gots to sing baritone massa? I sangs da' baritone last time.”) “Wade in the Water”, along with several other Negro top forty spirituals were all borne during that period and have stood the test of time so it is quite evident that hardships brought about the best in artists (and no, we can’t force rappers into slavery for some better lyrical content . . . but what if . . . NAH . . . not even a little slavery . . . NOT GONNA HAPPEN . . . how about if they mirror the Army Reserves where they are only slaves on the weekends, once a month . . . I SAID NO!)

Slavery was one of the greatest historical examples of integration I can think of. Dr. Dre and Eminem aside , slavery allowed the White Man and the Black Man to harness each other’s natural abilities and work in tandem. Many milestones and accomplishments were spurned by these close-knit working relationships, forged between master & servant, and across multiple fields of expertise. Strides were made in arenas such as:

• Culinary Arts - Lil’ Niecy’s Smoked Chipotle Chitterlings Recipe was one of many dishes birthed from slavery. It never really took off but her Uncle & Aunt (Ben and Jemima respectively) had tremendous successes with their product lines.
• Sports - The Cross Country / Long Distance / Escaping / Running /Hurdling /Wading / 2000 IM / Marksmanship /Decathlon was the first fully integrated sport that put the strength, will, and endurance of both races to the mettle. Something tells me Kenyan’s were in New York City sipping on Coolata’s way before Harriet Tubman ever contemplated crossing state lines, pre emancipation.
• Sports Part Deux – Equestrian memberships were at an all time high whilst in the pursuit of said Coolata capturing Kenyan’s ("I am very happy to be here ".)
• Entertainment / The Advent of the “N” Word - Without slavery, the social significance of C.W.A (Coloreds With an Attitude) would not have resonated throughout America’s streets and brought light to the plight of urban youth. “Colored Please!” See? It’s just not the same.
• The Economy - That was the whole point of slavery in the first place.
• Nation Building – Like America for instance.

Let us also pay homage to those brazen individuals who transcended racial barriers and became shining examples of the wonders and benefits of integration:

1. Woody Harrelson / Wesley Snipes
2. Larry Bird / Magic Johnson
3. Gene Wilder / Richard Pryor
4. Mel Gibson / Danny Glover
5. Michael Jackson / Michael Jackson
6. Eminem / Dr. Dre
7. The Police / The Killers (both rock bands are heavily influenced by rhythm and blues, as is all rock music. What did you think I meant you racist?
8. The Label / The Artist
9. Corporate America / The Mailroom
10. The Cookie / The Cream

And what of all the mixed couples, both past and present, imagined and real:

1. Seal / Heidi Klum
2. Halle Berry / Tommy Lee Jones
3. Bill Maher / Superhead
4. Ted Danson / Whoopi Goldberg
5. Bill / Hilary Clinton
6. Obama Daddy / Obama Momma
7. Nick Cannon / Mariah Carrey (this is the first time it is visibly evident that she’s got a little black in her. I keeed I keeed.)
8. Prince / Every hot white woman you could ever imagine (and two you can’t.)
9. The entire cast of Interracial Babes Volumes 1 through 15 (good work guys.)
10. Big “Blond Dizzy” Bird / Mr. “All the Ladies Call Me Chocolate Long Trunk” Snufflelufugus

As we, the offspring of prior generations, both black and white, old and young, shaken (by the remnants of racism) and stirred (by the possibility of change), who will never have to endure nearly as much hardships as our ancestors, go forth into the new millennia (insert graduation commencement address here), I verily yay say on to thee, gaze not into the hard stares of adversity that arise in your lives with fear and apprehension, but rather, as opportunities to turn lemons into lemon flavored Kool-Aid, cotton into fresh White Tees, and the “N “word into the IN word. And for the racist remaining, I have two words for you; As my mentor Peter Griffin once said, “COME ON”. Can’t we all just get along? Besides, your son knows every single word to Rick Ross’s new single and he thinks Lauren London is hot (and rightfully so.) So you betta' break yo’ self sucka because in addition to being the grand wizard of the KKK, you could also soon be the new granddaddy of the next Grandmaster Flash. Aint life Grand?

Sidebar; The Los Angeles Police Department would like to extend a belated and heart felt thank you to Rodney King for his assistance in the testing and implementation of the New and Improved Ass Flog brand Billy Club / Behavioral Correction Mechanism. “How many hits does to take to get to the center of a Black man? The world may never know.” Sidebar Complete.

Read more »

A Penny For Your Thoughts (Blue Book Value)

I got an email about a month ago from a guy in Holland stating that he really enjoyed my 99 Problems remix on You Tube (I’m up to 215 thousand views so I’m having a one-fifth platinum party). He enjoyed it so much so that he requested I send him the instrumental track. After feeling myself extensively (not in that way, at least not today), I was immediately suspicious. I asked if he was an aspiring rapper to which he replied yes, which made me twice as nervous. Now most producers and aspiring producers have always struggled with disbursement of their materials without compensation. Not only is it subject to plagiarism, the whole point of trying to produce music professionally is to get paid. At some point, you grow weary of all the pro bono work vying for your attention and respectfully request that someone (anyone) “CUT THE CHECK!! Everybody ALWAYS wants something for free and you can immediately discern who is serious about their craft from who is just having fun / trying to get over by a) compensation b) payment for services rendered and c) CUTTING THE RA$$CLOT CHECK!!

Back to Holland. Does it make sense to distribute your music to every Tom, Dick and Sven that makes a request visa vie You tube? How do I know MC Pedophile isn’t going to put my songs on repeat and play them audibly as he is captured, then subdued on Dateline NBC with Chris “Tough Actin’ ” Hansen? Certainly any press is good press but I do not wish to be on any potential pervert’s play list, lest I be blamed for his actions, circa Marilyn Manson and Columbine (and why is it always the first time these sickos have ever done something like this?) In addition, Hanz Da’ God Emcee could very well (but not likely) be the Swedish version of Diddy and here I am providing masters for his Dutch, multi million Daalder empire (did someone say Dutchmaster?) Given the amount of culture vultures, swagger jackers, and coincidental incidentals in and around the music industry, one should be extremely cautious as to who is privy to one’s club bangers and street anthems. Based on all the reasons listed on why not to send the track, I converted the instrumental from AIFF to MP3 format and sent it immediately (you should’ve seen that coming).

In order for me to even be presented with this quandary, I had to remix the track and video in the first place. And to do that, I borrowed the Tears for Fears album I sampled from my brother. I also distinctly remember not asking Jay Z for permission to use his lyrics, making the track with my mom’s electricity, mixing with my boy’s recommended engineer, downloading the original video from Limewire, we won’t talk about how I acquired the video editing software (I am the Jack Sparrow of the internet), then uploading the finished product to Youtube. Now after taking from every possible source available to me, I had the cahones to be apprehensive of someone asking to use “my” intellectual property. There truly is no honor amongst musicians. Further to that, everything I have ever achieved musically has not been on my own. To be honest, once your parents gave you life, you are terminally indebted to someone else for a majority of your accomplishments. This is why parents are always third on everyone’s Grammy acceptance speech, right after Clive Davis and God, and in that order.

The next time you are doing whatever it is that you do, and someone pays you a compliment, before you claim full ownership for your achievements and your gradually inflating head causes your body to tilt, then eventually collapse under your ego's weight, stop and think for a second. Should you be excited or humbled by the proficiencies achieved in your profession (achieved by learning from someone else), aesthetics inherited from your parent’s genetics (you really did get it from your momma), the fashion sense you obtained from watching music videos, the alleged intelligence you committed to memory from someone else's sources (print, spoken or visual), then regurgitated, your brand of wit, eerily similar to George Carlin sharing a one bedroom apartment with Dave Chappelle and Andy Rooney, or your riches, whose value is collectively determined by everything from the Trust you have in God to the literal price of tea in China. I say all that to say; Get Over Yourself!

Sidebar; A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to witness Dr. Cornell “Fredrick Douglas Incarnate” West and Dr. Michael Eric “Hippa to the Hoppa and You Just Don’t Stoppa” Dyson engage in a spirited debate about hip hop and it’s global influence at Carnegie Hall. As Dr. Dyson elaborated on the significance of “N*iggas Bleed Just Like Us (which to me is the craziest Notorious B.I.G song EVER recorded), he also stated that the concept of intellectual property and the idea of even owning an idea is a relatively new phenomena, spurned by, what else, capitalism. Who knew the possibility of even profiting from selling music has only been around since the early 19th century. I wonder if the guy who came up with the idea to sell ideas trademarked his idea? Sidebar complete.

Read more »