Thursday, April 16, 2009

Mixed Nuts

Slavery often gets a bum rap. We are all aware of the inhumane practices, reckless murders, degradation of self-esteem, destruction of the African American family structure for generations, yada yada yada, so forth and so on. But once you get over that (and you have to), you also have to consider and accept that there had to have been some positive, latent benefits to forced, race based, 168-hour workweeks. It must have been so much easier to pick up a spot up shooter from the house for your three on three b-ball games, or forge a quartet from the fields to work out all your harmonies, arrangements and progressions as an aspiring song writer (“Why I always gots to sing baritone massa? I sangs da' baritone last time.”) “Wade in the Water”, along with several other Negro top forty spirituals were all borne during that period and have stood the test of time so it is quite evident that hardships brought about the best in artists (and no, we can’t force rappers into slavery for some better lyrical content . . . but what if . . . NAH . . . not even a little slavery . . . NOT GONNA HAPPEN . . . how about if they mirror the Army Reserves where they are only slaves on the weekends, once a month . . . I SAID NO!)

Slavery was one of the greatest historical examples of integration I can think of. Dr. Dre and Eminem aside , slavery allowed the White Man and the Black Man to harness each other’s natural abilities and work in tandem. Many milestones and accomplishments were spurned by these close-knit working relationships, forged between master & servant, and across multiple fields of expertise. Strides were made in arenas such as:

Culinary Arts - Lil’ Niecy’s Smoked Chipotle Chitterlings Recipe was one of many dishes birthed from slavery. It never really took off but her Uncle & Aunt (Ben and Jemima respectively) had tremendous successes with their product lines.
Sports - The Cross Country / Long Distance / Escaping / Running /Hurdling /Wading / 2000 IM / Marksmanship /Decathlon was the first fully integrated sport that put the strength, will, and endurance of both races to the mettle. Something tells me Kenyan’s were in New York City sipping on Coolata’s way before Harriet Tubman ever contemplated crossing state lines, pre emancipation.
• Sports Part Deux – Equestrian memberships were at an all time high whilst in the pursuit of said Coolata capturing Kenyan’s ("I am very happy to be here ".)
• Entertainment / The Advent of the “N” Word - Without slavery, the social significance of C.W.A (Coloreds With an Attitude) would not have resonated throughout America’s streets and brought light to the plight of urban youth. “Colored Please!” See? It’s just not the same.
The Economy - That was the whole point of slavery in the first place.
Nation Building – Like America for instance.

Let us also pay homage to those brazen individuals who transcended racial barriers and became shining examples of the wonders and benefits of integration:

1. Woody Harrelson / Wesley Snipes
2. Larry Bird / Magic Johnson
3. Gene Wilder / Richard Pryor
4. Mel Gibson / Danny Glover
5. Michael Jackson / Michael Jackson
6. Eminem / Dr. Dre
7. The Police / The Killers (both rock bands are heavily influenced by rhythm and blues, as is all rock music. What did you think I meant you racist?
8. The Label / The Artist
9. Corporate America / The Mailroom
10. The Cookie / The Cream

And what of all the mixed couples, both past and present, imagined and real:

1. Seal / Heidi Klum
2. Halle Berry / Tommy Lee Jones
3. Bill Maher / Superhead
4. Ted Danson / Whoopi Goldberg
5. Bill / Hilary Clinton
6. Obama Daddy / Obama Momma
7. Nick Cannon / Mariah Carrey (this is the first time it is visibly evident that she’s got a little black in her. I keeed I keeed.)
8. Prince / Every hot white woman you could ever imagine (and two you can’t.)
9. The entire cast of Interracial Babes Volumes 1 through 15 (good work guys.)
10. Big “Blond Dizzy” Bird / Mr. “All the Ladies Call Me Chocolate Long Trunk” Snufflelufugus

As we, the offspring of prior generations, both black and white, old and young, shaken (by the remnants of racism) and stirred (by the possibility of change), who will never have to endure nearly as much hardships as our ancestors, go forth into the new millennia (insert graduation commencement address here), I verily yay say on to thee, gaze not into the hard stares of adversity that arise in your lives with fear and apprehension, but rather, as opportunities to turn lemons into lemon flavored Kool-Aid, cotton into fresh White Tees, and the “N “word into the IN word. And for the racist remaining, I have two words for you; As my mentor Peter Griffin once said, “COME ON”. Can’t we all just get along? Besides, your son knows every single word to Rick Ross’s new single and he thinks Lauren London is hot (and rightfully so.) So you betta' break yo’ self sucka because in addition to being the grand wizard of the KKK, you could also soon be the new granddaddy of the next Grandmaster Flash. Aint life Grand?

Sidebar; The Los Angeles Police Department would like to extend a belated and heart felt thank you to Rodney King for his assistance in the testing and implementation of the New and Improved Ass Flog brand Billy Club / Behavioral Correction Mechanism. “How many hits does to take to get to the center of a Black man? The world may never know.” Sidebar Complete.


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