Inside the NFL (Nigerian Football League) a.k.a “How do you pronounce that last name… Olomowhat?”

  Warning: The following post is narcissistically self-serving and border line delusional. It is however rooted in opinion-based fact. Please apply with one grain of salt.

Has anyone else noticed the names of professional athletes getting more and more African, specifically Nigerian? I recall a time when there was the occasional Okoye or Olaujuwan on the fields and courts but now, there are a multitude of multi voweled surnames that begin with the letter “O” all over the NFL and NBA. There are @ least 4 Nigerian or Nigerian American players on two separate NFL teams and at least one on every single team in the NFL. So what exactly spurned this uprising? Has the western hemisphere discovered some sort of untapped resource in Africa and are they planning to exploit those resources for monetary benefit (sound vaguely familiar)? Is the new Pandora located somewhere in Lagos and does Unobtanium now come in the form of Yuroba speaking teenagers who happen to grow in 6 foot, 7 foot, and 8 foot bunches? More importantly, with so many representatives of the original West Coast (sorry Snoop) now in American sports, how long will it take before Jelof rice and okra based soups hit the concessions stands? Not gonna hold my breathe on that last one.

I recall a few decades ago when an aging CBS sports anchor suggested African Americans may be genetically predisposed to out perform their Caucasian counterparts. Jimmy “The babbling dotard” a.k.a “the Greek” may have been on to something with what appeared to be racially incendiary comments at that point in time. At this juncture in civilization however and keeping in line with the Greek’s assertions, I would like to trump Jimbo with an equally egregious hypothesis; Africans, particularly Nigerians are genetically predisposed to succeed in athletics! The only difference between an African and an African American is literal location (and centuries of psychological rape but I digress). Mike Vick and Michael Jordan could just as easily have been Michael Ovickjukeyou and Michael Ojordunkonyou had their ancestors not made a wrong turn @ Albuquerque. As the old adage goes, “the closer the berry, the stronger the fruit.” But why take my word for it? Allow me to expound on the skill sets necessary to succeed in professional sports and why Nigerians hold the advantage in my thoroughly detailed research findings that I am making up as I go along.

 1. Physical attributes – People of the African diaspora have a propensity to grow to rather freakish sizes whilst maintaining the speed and dexterity necessary to navigate through the toughest of offensive lines, wrestling any man or Manning to the ground. Post emancipation, Archie, Eli, and Peyton never stood a chance. It must’ve been a scout’s wet dream to touch down on African soil for the first time and witness Shaq and Serena’s partially naked ancestors harvesting berries in the wild…assuming they had basketball and tennis back then. 

2. Intelligence – It is no secret that Nigerians are touted as an intelligible people. From general academia to complex offensive packages, they certainly seem to have a penchant for schemes (offensive, defensive and internet alike). Of course this theory cannot be proven and the underwear bomber certainly throws an elephant sized monkey wrench in my hypothesis but that not withstanding, general consensus (of which I am the General) lends credence to these findings.

3. Endurance – As we all know, Kenyan’s have the market cornered on endurance. And although Nigerians are not from Kenya, Nigerians are physically closer to Kenya than most Brooklyn residents sans crackheads so by shear illogic and osmosis, Nigerians have more endurance than their East New York counterparts. Yep. And I’m stickin’ to it.

 4. Competition – Nigerians are a competitive bunch. No seriously, it’s ridiculous. They believe they are better than every living human being way before ever accomplishing a solitary thing and then they actually set out to acquire the skill sets to back it up. This is why athletics are a natural fit for a people that are fueled by achieving excellence. Not certain where or how it originated but any Nigerian worth their weight in credentials can attest to the competitive nature. Which leads to the next bullet point.

5. Status – Nigerians are a status driven people. No seriously, it’s ridiculous. A certain writer recently discovered that the name of the town his parents hail from, called Onitsha,  translated to English means “Arrogance”. Nuff said. Seeing as how excellence breeds accolades, any item or title meant to illuminate them favorably shall be pursued with maniacal focus until acquired. Multiple degrees, professions of prestige, and monetary wealth shall be on full display at all times.  It is only fitting then that professional sports, which provides a heightened environment for prestige and wealth is on the radar.

And there you have it. With the underwhelming and irrefutably uncorroborated evidence presented in this here dissertation, is it any wonder why so many Nigerians are populating professional sports? In all seriousness (and at the risk of sounding like Hitler), there are certain professions that necessitate specific physical characteristics and it is safe to surmise that if you required individuals of a certain stature, you would be inclined to search in the areas they most densely populate. Concurrently, if you were born with three hands, you should probably forego a career in kickboxing and try your hands at wide receiver. Let that be a message to all the parents hell bent on limiting their 6'5", 300 pound sons to academia specific professions. The Samoan Islands can’t be too far behind with unbalanced #’s in the NFL because quite frankly, they grow them boys big and fast down there too.

So why am I not in the NBA or NFL you ask? Because I’m 5’11" on a good day and although I love basketball, my ability to use my right hand has historically been referred to as “suspect” but more importantly, that is not where my passion lies, for if it were, the fact that I am a proud Nigerian man allows me to convince myself “I could’a been a contender” in any professional sport. Of course it’s delusional but that is the Nigerian way. We believe we can do anything and are conditioned to make the attempt. The only difference between faith and delusion is one’s level of success so we could probably all use a little more delusion.

The Nigerian Football League (NFL) Past & Present

1.     Nnamdi Asomugha

2.     Osi Umenyiora

3.     Adewole Ogunyele

4.     Israel Idonijie

5.     Prince Amukamara 

6.     Chinedum Ndukwe

7.     Ikechuku Ndukwe

8.     Trevor Mbakwe

9.     Amobi Akoye

10. Brian Orakpo

11. Christian Okoye

12. Frank Okam

13. Xavier Adibi

14. Amobi Okoye

15. Eric Ogbogu

16. Akinola “Akin” Ayodele

17. …..And a whole bunch more but you get the point.

 The Nigerian Basketball League (NBA) Past & Present

1.     Mike Olowakandi

2.     Emeka Okafor

3.     Andre Igudala

4.     Hakeem Olajuwan

5.     Yinka Dare

6.     Solomon Alabi           

7.     John Ameche

8.     Al-Farouq Aminu

9.     Ekpe Udoh

10. Gani Lawal 

11. Steve Nash (He was actually born in South Africa but once again, close enough…plus you always need at least one token white guy on your team).

 

Regards,

Alfred “Show ‘em your “O” face” Obiesie

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Brain Farts

Things I’m supposed to like but don’t

1. Bing - As a search engine, bing is about as much of a threat to google as cous cous is to popcorn. The day you hear “I’ll take a large cous cous with extra butter” at your local cinema, you may want to look up "hallucination" on Bing and see what comes up.
2. Kid Cudi – Sorry. I tried though.  Your best song will forever be affiliated with Vitamin Water. Forget happiness. You should be in the pursuit of better lyrics and production.
3. The Ricki Gervais show – Dude, it’s not funny.
4. Black History Month – kind of hard to ever fully integrate when you have a month dedicated solely to celebrating “blackness”. In truth, it’s MLK and Rosa Parks awareness month so it's not even all inclusive of black history. There isn’t even a behind the music with Kool Moe Dee for God’s sake! Lets just agree to skip the pomp and circumstance and integrate more African American history into the modern day curriculum.
5. Traveling –Pain in the Ass. Don’t like packing. Don’t like airports. Don’t like taking off. Don’t like flying. Don’t like landing. Don’t like baggage claim. Don’t like being lost. I do like other places however so I guess I will continue to travel until other places learn to come to me.

Top 5 Signs we are devolving as a society

1. Lebron James - We boo Lebron James for wanting to work somewhere else even though 85% of us relish an opportunity to work elsewhere and wouldn’t mind announcing it on ESPN. “Jim, I’m taking my talents to the South Bronx. I heard UPS is still hiring.” Can’t imagine what it would be like if you were booed on your way home by the bus driver, general public, toll booth clerks, and random baby sitters all because you opted to work somewhere else.
2. The Internet – Less interaction means less civility.  Most of us are prone to project a cavalier persona online whilst retaining a meek, church mousy demeanor in real life. I am not a thug but I play one on the Internet. Your powers are limitless when draped under the veil of anonymity.
3. We settle political discourse with rants and rifles! Image is everything.
4. We are desensitized to our own hypocrisy. We carry on about the evil doers at Enron as we pocket office supplies and manipulate our personal income taxes (I’m certain you donated $2,000 worth of Gucci loafers to the salvation army yet again this year). Theft is theft so your level of larceny may just be limited to your level of opportunity.
5. #&%#! Santa Claus!! We are accountable to no one, not even Santa Claus. The further we pilgrimage away from all religions (and I am not advocating any religion necessarily, merely what it represents) the further we move away from a collective moral conscience that some require constant reminders of. Seems anarchy will be the solution if we don’t find something we truly believe in that is bigger than our own self-interest.

Great ideas that may never happen

1. Slavery – Now I know what you’re thinking but hear me out first. What if we were to implement a new kind of neo slavery that wasn’t race based but power centered? Basically, you get to keep who you can beat up. I wouldn’t mind having my daily chores tended to by downtrodden 3^rd graders and broken spirited grandmothers. Yeah, you’re right. It’s probably a bad idea.           
2. Remote Controlled Remote Control - I have 4 remote controls and now I have a universal remote control to control my remote controls but you know, even that has gotten out of control. If only there were a way to just have someone change the channel for me. May have to revisit that slavery idea.
3. Canned Vagina / Penis – To hell with Folgers Crystals. Can you imagine waking up to the crisp, clean, scintillating aroma of morning spring vagina? Of course I may never make it into work and you may find most men buried under multiple cans of empty Vagina, Vagina Light, Vagina, Dark, Extra Strength Vagina, and New and improved Vagina that throws itself out after usage but who cares?

*Warning reduced crime rate and extreme happiness may occur from prolonged usage.

4.     Peace on Earth- Let’s face it, we are a combative civilization. We have always fought and we will probably always fight. Maybe we should change the slogan to “Peace until further notice”.

7 Things I would love to hear someone say but probably never will

1. “You are way too ugly to have children.”
2. “That fart hurt!” 
3. “And that’s why I punched that nun in the face!”
4. “I think that baby is gay.”
5. “Rent costs have taking yet another steep decline in the NYC housing market.”
6. “I lost 30 pounds on my mac & cheese and BBQ ribs diet!!
7. “BET wins yet another Emmy for outstanding television programming.”

6 reasons why you may still be single

1. It’s always someone else’s fault the relationship didn’t work out.
2. You are still looking for Da Fonz when Richie Cunningham is the one interested in a relationship.
3. You are still looking for Denise Huxtable when Claire is the one interested in a relationship.
4. You can’t seem to understand why she gets upset every time you sleep with her sister.
5. You just aren’t mature enough to handle a real relationship and by the time you figure it out, you may be dead.
6. You still believe in right and wrong.

  

Silent but Deadly's 

 

1. What’s with naming natural disasters and plagues after women and small animals? Can I get some nomenclature that accurately depicts the impending dangers? What about Hurricane Hitler, Tropical Storm Basketball Wives, Lizard Pox, Rhino Flu, or Typhoid Bertha? Monkeys, birds, chickens, Irene and Katrina just don’t do it for me.
2.  The people in your neighborhood are not your friends. The people @ your job are not your friends. The people from your school are not your friends. Those are your associates. The people who have met the people from your neighborhood, your job, and your school are your friends.
3.  *In my do the right thing voice* How come ain’t no storms named after black people? Just once I would like to turn on the news and hear the weather man say “We seemed to have avoided Tropical Storm Kenyata but word life my G, Hurricane Latifah ain’t f*ckin’ ‘round with Floor da (Florida). She fittin’ to run all up and down the streets just breakin sh*t up. I don’t know ‘bout y’all but sheeeeeeeeeit, I’m out!”
4.  If not eating makes people irritable, why aren’t all fat people happy?
5.  When a woman says she doesn’t care how much you make, she means she doesn’t care how much you make after you’ve made the minimum amount required. 
6.  When a man says he doesn’t care how much weight you put on, he’s lying.
7.  Dear white women, if your boyfriend or spouse ever invites you to take a trip to Aruba, please call the producers of “How I almost got away with it” immediately. Aruba is to white women what Mississippi was to Black men. 

 

Sidebar: Sometimes you just have to let one rip. Sidebar complete. 

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