Monday, January 19, 2009

The Take Over / Barack is in Da Buildin’!

January 20th, 2009

Ladies and Gentleman, in the greatest breach of national security ever documented, Emperor Barack Obama has declared immediately after being sworn in, that he is in fact a terrorist and will be assuming full control of all U.S affairs. Who knew? Using funds generated by t-shirts, “Obama Black” brand marijuana (formally known as Maui Waui), commemorative plates, limited edition Obama Sporks, and minimally circulated Barack half dollars & Michelle Obama dimes, Lord Obama has been able to finance a military led by General Montel Balday Al Medical Marijuana Williams Shabazz, aka “Chemical Baldy”. In the largest recruiter drive the history of any armed forces has ever witnessed, tickets to the movie “Notorious” were given to anyone who enlisted in Obama’s Army. Needless to say, the entire African American populace, including myself, is now a sworn minion. When I, Travis Smiley (no relation to Tavis), questioned his Excellency on his intentions for the now defunct United States of America, Obama’s response was simple, “Ha ha ya punk bitches. Y’all should’a listened to McCain & Fox News. Now I run this bee-yotch! First order of business, Biggie Smalls’ birthday is a holiday! Secondly, I have replaced my entire Cabinet and key members of government with individuals of my choosing and they are as follows:

Vice President – Willy “Sweet Sax” Clinton
Someone is going to have to take the rap for all the hoes up in the Oval office. Michelle will whoop my mulatto monkey ass (again) if she catches me wildin’ out. I caught a half nelson last week just for leaving the fridge door open. I ain’t messing with her. In addition, Willy has a mean jump shot and we have formulated all sorts of “White Men Can’t Jump” scenarios to stimulate the economy. I am truly honored to be elected the second black president, but first dictator, of America.

Speaker of The House – Oprah “ E.F. Hutton” Winfrey
How y’all fools think I got here in the first place? When Oprah talks, people listen! A couple of years ago, I was chillin’ on Oprah Island (located everywhere) with Spike Lee, Denzel, T.I. 50 Cent, Will Smith, and Gail. T.I bet O in a high stakes of game of Taboo that if she lost, we could have whatever we like! Who knew T.I. was nice with the word association? Needless to say, we won and I asked to be President. Denzel asked for an Oscar. Will Smith wanted a spouse who beats him (Will is a freak). I never understood why T.I. asked Oprah for a car with “so much trunk space, I could fit a motherf*ckin’ canon in there!” at that point, but that worked itself out eventually. (“You get a car and you get a car!”)

Secretary Treasury – Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson
In my “new and improved” economic stimulus package titled “Get Rich or Get Shot Trying”, 50 Cent will be routed to your place of residence to shoot you as many times as it takes so you can muster up the courage necessary to pursue your dreams. Once you realize that funding for Social Security will be thoroughly depleted in the next 15 minutes, and you and all corporate CEO’s will soon be replaced by Harvard educated, 15 year old Indian boys who grew up in Slum Dog Millionaire - like conditions, you may abandon your hopes on government and a prosperous retirement (if one at all) and get on your grind! Given the current state of affairs, I am estimating that I will need to retire with at least $1.5 million in the bank to sustain any existence in NYC past ten years. What’s your 401K & Individual Retirement Annuity (IRA) balance looking like these days? Thought so. GGG GGG G Unit!

Secretary of Agriculture - Cordozar Calvin “Snoop Doggy Dogg” Broadus, Jr.
Marijuana is now legal! Don’t y’all trick ass marks read? Almost $30 billion in illegal revenue was generated by chronic sales alone in the top 5 states in 2006. California was # 1 with $14 billion, of which, $7.9 billion, was purchased in Long Beach County at an undisclosed location (Snoop’s crib). I think we could use the taxes on $30 billion in annual revenue, don’t you? I know Ford Motors could have sure used some of that green in the last few months (either one). Plus when I get hizzle, I see all types of shizzle more clizzle. There are so many wizzles we could grizzle and harvest crizzles without harming the ozone lizzle or using illegal immagrizzles. Don’t you aggrizzle? Fa shizzle!”

Secretary of Defense - Marion “Suge” Knight
“In the news today, Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad were gunned down in a series of unsolved drive by shootings.” And that’s all I got’s to say about that.” Obama said.

Secretary of Homeland Security – Dudes From Any and All Projects in America
“Have you ever heard of anyone trying to get INTO the projects? Al Queda ain’t messin’ with Al Cabrini Green!”

This may either be the saddest day in the history of democracy or the dawning of a new totalitarian but effective method of governance. Only time will tell. This is Travis Smiley reporting. Good night, God speed and please support Channel 13!"

Final thought -

A couple of blogs back, I suggested that Barack’s victory would be one in “symbolism only”. I gravely underestimated the power of symbolism as all things are defined, codified, and categorized by symbols; right down to the very alphabet we use to communicate. A symbolic victory is about as actual, if not more actual, than actual reality for it determines present and future realities; just ask your friendly neighborhood crucifix.

For the next four years, Democrats will support virtually every decision made by President - no longer elect - Barack Hussien Obama (damn it feels good to say that shit!), much like Republicans did for Bush’s first four. We, as Democrats, will find ways to rationalize a majority of his decisions, lest they be openly and obviously egregious. Just keep in mind that unilateral, misguided idealism leads to the abuse of power and most of America’s ailments, currently, historically, and always.

I am elated that Obama won the election, for the collective jubilance exuded by the free world would’ve been equally disparaging had the outcome been unfavorable, and who needs that amount of depression during a recession? I am however not boarding any planes, trains or automobiles to celebrate Obamafest 2009 in our nation’s capital. Economic charity begins at home and for only $9.95, I can instruct you on how to recreate the entire inaugural experience, and right here in Brooklyn too! Just drive your car to the entrance of the Brooklyn Bridge and turn the ignition off for 3 days if you so relish traffic and angry mobs. If it’s all the same to you. I’m good! I have already proven my blackness. I have no further desire to generate “where were you when Barack was . . .?” anecdotes for his swearing in. I actually proved my blackness a while ago in the KFC Annual Extra Crispy Cross Country Relay and Freestyle Competition (came in second). Those Obamalicious (patent pending) bbq wings never stood a chance!


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