“Who in the Hell Left Gates’ Gate Closed?”

Racial Roll Call:

Al Shartpon? “Hair!”

Anne Coulture? “I ‘m sorry did someone say something? I can’t hear anything over the deafeningly unilateral tones of my own opinions, so I must have imagined that voice.”

Reverend Professor Michael Eric Dyson? “I am indubitably, undeniably, irrefutably, and in effect, in the present and current vicinity of said regional and jurisdictional blah blah blah…”

Bill O’Really? “It’s like I said in my book, Whose Looking Out For You . . .”

So we’ve all had our Michelob Lights and Cherry Wheat Samuel Adams on the White House lawn. Is everybody happy now? All pundits currently representing opposing factions of the undeclared, casualty ridden race war have rolled up their sleeves, shaken hands (with fingers crossed) and agreed to disagree. The Nutty Professor, Sargent Jim Crow, uh, I mean, Joe Crowley, President Negro the First, and who? Joe the VP? WTF is he doing here? Is he here for symmetry (offsetting two Negroes with two White Joes)? In any event, so much has been made of the arrest of Dr. Henry Louis Gates over the past few weeks that the country has been forced to overlook news pertinent to the survival of this great nation (like Michael Jackson’s toxicology reports). Just in case you’ve somehow missed the sordid details, let me bring you up to speed…

One late summer’s eve (eewww), Harvard University Professor Henry Louis Gates found himself bereft at his own absentmindedness (is this a Charles Dickens tale?). Upon returning to his quaint Cambridge abode centered in Harvard Square, Massachusetts, it seems the good professor had forgotten his house keys and locked himself out. Professor Gates was left with no recourse but to force entry through his own window with the help of a comrade (or call a locksmith). Upon witnessing this act, Ms. Benita Butrell a.k.a a concerned neighbor immediately alerted the Cambridge Police Department to the then Unidentified Professor & Co’s (UPC) code of conduct. C.P.D. promptly arrived on the scene (wonder what the response time would have been in Compton), confirmed the professor’s identity and that he was in fact in his own residence, then proceeded to arrest him for disorderly conduct after a still unclear verbal exchange involving the words “Yo mama” (was Fez / Wilma Valderama there?). Caucasian Constable Joseph Crowley’s seemingly unconventional arrest of the African-American professor set off public outrage causing everyone with an asshole - a.k.a. an opinion - to chime in.

The most publicized comment came from our beloved standing leader, President B.A. (Black American) Barack Obama. During a nationally televised press conference, the Prez proceeded to call the arresting officer a big dummy, more specifically stating he (the Crow), behaved “stupidly” in arresting H.G., not doing so Wells for his war of the words. This prompted a media firestorm pitting the black White House against the white black-sensitivity-trained officer. A precedent was set in this instance of racial profiling, and for the first time ever, the leader of the United States possessed partial membership to the longstanding protagonist’s party and displayed some semblance of empathy. There was hope across the land, as some felt there might finally be a resolve to all race issues because, after all, “My President is Black!”(but race relations are still gray).

in 1995, Earl "Butch" Graves Jr, son of Black Enterprise Magazine founder Earl Graves, was detained in Grand Central Station for fitting the description. Some of you may or may not know this but fitting the description is an actual felony in most African-American communities. I’ve personally been detained, illegally searched, and humiliated for this on multiple occasions but I will just list these:

1. The murder of a police officer in Staten Island (because the car we were driving in Brooklyn was registered in Staten Island).
2. Bank robbery in Far Rockaway (I was sitting in a parked car at night).
3. Drug dealing in Washington Square Park (the description was black male, blue jean shorts, white tee shirt, in July. . . how uncommon).
4. Being a “junior gangster” in the middle of the night (we were sitting at a red light as the police car made an illegal U-turn, pulled up behind us, took everyone out of the car and frisked us all, then searched the car including the trunk.

I won't even mention when WE called NYPD because all four of our van tires were slashed and the cops showed up, then lined us up against the very same van and frisked us. Nope, won't mention that. I seem to live in the wrong place at the wrong time I guess, or maybe I am not unique and it happens more frequently than the powers that be are comfortable admitting. Back to Earl Jr. Had he not been the son of an affluent and known businessman, we would have never known of this and yet another “unfortunate” occurrence would have been swept under the rug. Similar to Gates-Gate, there was an initial uproar, then there was a down roar and we all returned to our respective race corners and proceeded to “tag in” the next representatives to squabble over civil liberties.

Battle Royal

“Weighing in at two million convictions, 1 sodomy, 41 shell casings, and an additional 50 shell casings, we have , Justin Voulpe, the NYPD Street Crimes Unit, the LAPD and the Criminal Justice system. And in the other corner, at a combined weight of 41 shots in yo ass, 50 shots in yo’ ass, multiple batons swings to the jujunitz, and 2 million incarcerated, we have Abner Louima, Rodney King, Amadou Diallo (RIP), Sean Bell (RIP), and the Prison Industrial Complex.”

There are individuals who unknowingly subscribe to skewed ideals of “justice” just as there are those that need to be disproportionately disciplined and “rehabilitated” . Who is literally at fault is not so easily discernible. What I do know is that given the history between law enforcement and African Americans, to automatically dismiss racial bias is a definite red flag and clearly indicative of racial bias. As any police officer will tell you, ignorance of the law will not be admissible in court so why should ignorance of precedent be any more palatable? To date, no crime was committed and all charges were dropped so if there weren't other motivators for Prof Gates arrest, what written laws support Sargent Crowley's actions? It very well could be anger which would make "Joe Crow" unprofessional or it could be prejudice, which would also make him unprofessional. Maybe one day we may all learn to operate equitably despite racial differences rather than pretending they don’t exists (but I doubt it).

Sidebar: Through arduous journalistic efforts (lying) I have obtained the original transcripts of President Obama’s comments and translated the contents into the urban Negro dialect.

What He Said: “Stupidly”

What He Meant: Aw hell to the No! How Po Po gonna run up on my dude Skip in his own crib on some bullshit! Big homie liydere son! (liydere – lives there). Y’all gonna make me come up off this podium and bus you in yo’ mouf if y’all don’t chill the f*ck out! Sidebar complete.