I Hate You So Much Right Now!!

Ladies and Gentleman, as many of you may know, the world has been in a tail spin since Lebron James announced his decision on where to play basketball next season. What was most shocking of all was not his migration to South Beach for the winter, but rather, Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan "tell 'em how you really feel" Gilbert's open letter to the fans of Cleveland. What many of you may not know however is that the letter released to the general public is not the actual unedited transcript. I have obtained through unnamed sources, the official unofficial document in question. I assure you all that this is an authentic document that was not written by me in a cubicle this Friday afternoon ;-) Enjoy.

Dear Cleveland, all of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers supporters wherever you may be tonight (most likely in the bathroom weeping uncontrollably, as I am);

As you now know, our former hero, baby daddy to all our children, father to my bank account, and cash cow, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier. Excuse my French but THAT’S SOME BULLSHIT SON!

This was announced with a several-day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment, with the exception of the debut of a new Michael Jackson video. Lebron’s antics pale in comparison however to all the fanfare, hoopla, and media stunts we have embarked on since his arrival. We taught you everything you know and this is how you repay us Lebron?

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us. I personally slapped my wife twice and beat all my children with leftover Lebron James memorabilia upon hearing the news.

The good news is that the ownership, team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you. The bad news is that we are the Cleveland Cavilers. We stand about as much a chance of winning a championship now as Ja Rule does of signing a recording contract with 50 Cent.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you. So whenever you hear news of how terrible a human being Lebron is, I am referring to our past. And when you hear nothing, I am referring to our future as that is assuredly what is in store for us. NOTHING!

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. And after all you did for him too. Lebron James is a treasonous treacherous traitor and I will seek the highest penalty within our legal system to bring him to justice. “What? He didn’t commit a crime? Are you sure?” My lawyers have informed me that I can seek no penalties so it looks like I will be leaving bags of flaming poo on his door step

You have given so much and deserve so much more. How could you do this to your fans Lebron? We were together for 7 years Lebron. 7 YEARS! While all the time that I was loving you, you were busy loving yourself. I would stop breathing if you told me to, now you’re busy loving someone else. 7 years out of my life, beside the kids, I have nothing to show…

Well, I’m not gon’ cry Lebron! In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight: "I personally guarantee that the Cleveland Cavaliers will win an NBA Championship before the self-titled former 'king' wins one." You can take it to the bank. You may not be able to cash it but you can certainly take it to the bank. I would also like to decree that this is, by far, the tastiest crack I have ever smoked in my life!!

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels. Never before experienced levels such as winning a championship or having viewers for the upcoming season.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works. I can personally attest to this fact as all my hopes and dreams are currently heaven bound. Funeral services will be held this Saturday at the Quicken Loans Arena.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our homegrown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow up to become. I wanted all my children to grow up to become freakishly athletic black men with unheralded basketball abilities but no more!

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio. Much like cyanide will serve as a solution to my upcoming woes.

The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma. A wise woman once said “Until you do right by me, everything you think about is gonna crumble.” Nettie, I feel your pain. I also have a stack of letters for you from someone named “Celie”. I think she may have the wrong address.

Just watch

.

Sleep well, Cleveland. Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day... And by new and brighter I mean old and grim.

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue...

Dan Gilbert

Majority Owner

Cleveland Cavaliers

P.S: LEBRON, YOU WILL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!!!

P.P.S: LEBRON, I was just playing boo boo. You know I don’t mean it. I just get so scared at the thought of losing you that I lost all self control. Come back King. We can make it work. I promise to get you some players and a coach who you can win with. Please baby baby baby please. Please come back. I LOVE YOU LEBRON!

SideBar* For a society that derives most decisions on the premise of “Kiss my ass, I am going to do what’s best for me”, I find it utterly hilarious how the free universe is reacting to the decision on where A “25 YEAR OLD KID” should play basketball. If the hottest girl or guy you ever saw in your life pulled up to you in the nicest car, actually had a personality, a career, viewed you as an equal and wanted to be with you, I don’t think most would turn that opportunity down.With that said and on behalf of Lebron James, I would like to extend a hearty "KISS MY ASS” to all those wishing him ill because their punk ass team didn’t win the lotto and someone else did.

See you at the haters ball next year, ya haters. HATE HATE HATE! Sidebar Complete.*

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Kobe vs. Lebron / the Dialectical vs. the Metaphysical

During the NBA finals,  I witnessed grown, heterosexual men performing simultaneous fellatio on another heterosexual man in front of millions of people on television and no one said a word (not even "no homo"). I don't mean fellatio in the literal sense, but more in the urban colloquial "Get off Kobe Bryant's bozak!" kinda way.  I question just how Kobe can even jump with all these sportscasters secured fastly to his scrotum (ok, no more penis references). In an effort to further engrander (not a word) the NBA's already grandiose foothold on America's pastimes, sports analysts and commentators, working in tandem with network execs and Lord Emperor David Stern, consistently subject viewers to such pompous circumstances that one can't help but question: "I wonder if the Romans would have been turned off by these overly dramatic displays of theatre and inflated self relevance ... AND THEY KILLED PEOPLE FOR FUN!" As if bungee jumping mascots, scantly clad hotties busting a move center court, and computer generated images of "LEGENDS PAST . . . Past . . . past . . ." (repeat 3 times for echo effect) weren't enough, the anointing and re-anointing of the “Chosen One” is way out of hand. Lebron James was the chosen one a few months ago. Now it's Kobe again (for the first time again). All this yammering made me wonder: A) What makes these two better than you and maybe me and B) which of these two talented ass-clowns is truly the “One”?

  Rumor has it that certain individuals are predisposed to achieve in specific fields / careers. These Suma Cum Laude’s of mankind are anointed with a set of super human abilities that they and only they can harness, as God has been known to be user specific in his gift giving. Said gifts are commonly referred to as talent.

  Lebron James is a marvel of nature's bioengineering and considered a talented basketball player by many. According to almost everyone, no human should be as big, strong, fast, intelligent, and equally agile on a basketball court as King James. After "witnessing" him (patent granted) perform, few can argue his abilities and seemingly natural inclination to thrust a basketball through a hoop, (ok, Kobe's puppet can argue but few other's can). Lebron is clearly touched by an angel. Or is he?

  Although also talented (for lack of a better word), Kobe Bryant is a workaholic and marketed more for his efforts in the weight room than his natural ability.  His tenacity on and off the court has been likened to other NBA greats (Michael Jordan), NFL greats (Jerry Rice) and boxing legends (Mike Tyson, and for more nefarious reasons). Kobe Bryant has clearly left nothing to chance and has placed his future squarely in his own hands. Or has he?

 There are many people who dedicate themselves to a task but still fall short. So wouldn’t there have to be trace amounts of divine intervention for the “One” to emerge? Clearly we were not all formed in the same ice tray otherwise the entire Americas would be comprised of superstar point guards in the NBA. Assume for a second however that Lebron was birthed in a pre Naismith era where basketball did not exist. Aside from being considered the Ford F-150 of slaves, what would have been his God given talents were he a product of a non emancipated America? Lebron and Kobe were in fact borne in an era where basketball exists and is highly revered in our esoteric culture bubble so their talents could also be attributed to circumstances. So given the “Eh Hem”, CIRCUMSTANCES, should all praises be due to Allah? Travel to Europe and it may be Ronaldinho or some other soccer savant seated at the right hand of the father.

 Talent does not exist. It is cute verbiage for the by-product of prior energies expended, perfecting the execution of a particular task (as I define it). Whether those energies were expended by your parents, your environment, your coach, or you, the end result seems an effortless, “natural” sight to behold when in effect, is quite the contrary. Comparable to luck, talent manifests itself when opportunity and preparedness arrive at a happy medium. If my father locked me in a room from age five and “prepared” me (and by prepared I mean kicked my ass consistently to performing perfection), I would also have had the “opportunity” to glide backwards across stages and shatter album sales worldwide. Thank God I am not that lucky or talented!!

 Once talent is recognized, it has been appreciated and can never really be compared (how do you quantify an ideal?). Whether that talent goes on to sign $90 million endorsements before playing a single regulation game, refuses to shake hands when he loses, and gets dunked on in a college scrimmage game then has the tapes buried deeper than lost JFK assassination Zubruder footage, or said talent wins four NBA championship rings, gets falsely accused of rape in a hotel room in Boulder, Colorado, then rats, “dimes out”, snitches, squeals, implicates, and shifts blame to the “Big Aristotle” is another subject all together. As for who amongst Lebron and Kobe is the most talented basketball player, the answer is infallibly “Whoever is winning at the moment.”

  Sidebar * If you have the ability to identify proficiency in others, you have the ability to replicate and exceed and thus, you are wasting YOUR talents by not doing anything. You are behaving stupidly’ (thanks Barack) by critiquing someone else while you putz around in ESPN Zone chugging down Coronas and watching others succeed on the big screen. Unless, of course, your talent is lobbing lewd language at the television, in which case - carry on. Sidebar Complete*

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