For Colored Guys Who Have Considered Homicide Because the Media Has Done More Than Enuf

                               
As a MAN who is BLACK and resides in AMERICA (in order of appearance), it is disconcerting to be consistently bombarded with so many negative images and stereotypes. It doesn’t matter the medium, radio, television and print have arbitrarily concluded that the world needs a villain and the antagonist shall forever remain the American Negro. After all, bad guys do wear black...skin. I am firmly convinced that we cannot get along at this rate so rather than collude to some presumptuous semblance of peace, It’s about time we all either establish balanced reporting or S.T.F.U (I would use the appropriate expletive here but some of you read this at work and server censorship is at an all time high).

Before this gets written off as some Pro-Panther, militant resurgence rant, give me a cotton pickin’ second here! I am in no way concerned with inciting nor revisiting any racial grievances for those will forever persist and to be quite frank, I like whitey. I like yellowy, darky and damn near everybody. What I despise however is everybody all at once, and with the same resounding message. THE BLACK MAN IS THE SCOURGE OF SOCIETY! I AM THE BLACK PLAGUE! I AM THE FIFTH HORSEMAN OF APOCALYPSE. I get it already. I’m really Shrek but you mean to tell me no one can find any positive AND entertaining stories of black males to grace the cover of the Daily Bugle!?

I open my morning e-paper to find that black boys are disproportionately stupid in comparison to stupid white boys who are all stupider than a growing number of third world students. I turn on the television to hear yet another “Oprah says” saga of all the black men fornicating with other men behind their wives backs. OK then. I guess I’ll just hop on the social networks and read all the tweets and fb updates of the lazy, shiftless, no good, wanna be rapper, baby daddies who never want to get married and cheat and lie and... Allllllrighty then. I guess I’ll just go to the movies to forget about all this man bashing. Damn! Just missed Megamind. Guess I’ll see For Colored Girls instead....

You know what? Fuck your server! Fuck your couch too!Everyone else gets to parade around town with commentary on how screwed up black men are and because men don’t speak, I’m supposed to remain reticent? What the fuck son!

I grew up in a working class neighborhood where everyone was represented. The future drug dealers, drug users, business owners, doctors, rapists and lawyers of America all lived within the same 2X2 block radius (and were often indistinguishable from one another.) I am not debating that all these harrowing tales of doom and despair purported by the media aren’t rooted in truth. I am also however not oblivious to the fact that there are other stories to be told. The long winded point is why is it always the same stories regurgitated in mass media? Am I supposed to embrace the ogre role as the media usurps my civility in an effort to shatter box office records? As stated previous, please see “you, fuck!” And I don’t mean that in no nice, Cee Lo Green, Gwenyth Paltrow Glee rendition, sorta way. And the “you” I’m talking about here is the Media. And the Media here is ALL OF US!
                                                                                   
Residing in a blame centric society where causation for all strife must be identified (or manufactured) then branded so that an equally marketable solution can ultimately be sold for profit, it seems the #1 leading symptom for a bad day (and evidently the best selling) is a black man. The big scarwee negwo (insert Scooby-Doo spooky ghost howl here) is still the boogie man to one and all. I'm actually surprised the recent H1N1 outbreak wasn't renamed the Chitlin' Flu. Everyone loathing black men, including other black men and women is not quite how I envisioned equality.

Maybe I'm deluded. Either I'm living in a bubble or I really should be considering going towards the white light.....Nah.

Let’s all try something innovative going forward. For every shitty fact you forward about your least favorite Mandingo, find something positive to profess also... or punch yourself in the face. And if you can’t find anything good to say then you aren’t trying hard enough so assault your face as an affront against apathy.We could also remove our force fed intellects from the asses of the media outlets from which we gather our “intelligence.” That's always an option. Most of us listen to the radio complaining "they only play the same 3 songs" while negligent that we only listen to the same 3 stations. It would help if we all remained cognizant of our dissidence along with whose messages we chose to rebroadcast on our personal networks. The worst part of most storms these days seems to be the forecast and not the storm itself.

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The Great Black Hope

Far too many folk have placed their hopes in the arms of one administration, particularly, one man. Is it me, or does the notion that a sole individual can reverse the misfortunes of an entire nation seem absurd? It is as dangerous for any man to make that assertion as it is foolhardy for millions to believe it. America felt that once Black Jesus, a.k.a Barack was elected, the world would be a much happier place to live. Not only would there be a chicken in every pot, you would be allowed to smoke pot before you ate your chicken. Harold and Kumar would now be able to vacation on Guantanamo Bay without fear of dining on cock-meat sandwiches, gays would be able to marry openly in the army and the KKK and the Nation of Islam would conjoin as formidable opponents for Peyton and Eli in the Oreo Double Stuff league (“Farrakhan with an amazing move!”). Shockingly, none of this has occurred in the 365 days after President Obama’s election. WTF?!

Safe to say, our aspirations may have been a bit lofty. It is partly the fault of the current administration as they were the ones who played the ever-original political card of promising all things to all people for the sake of inaugural invites. The problem with playing on the hopes and dreams of the masses is that they will surely hold you accountable (although never hold themselves to the same fire for their own resolutions). The standards are set so high that Barack literally has to rid earth of debt, disease and make sure we never have to kneel before Zod in order to be considered a halfway decent Commander in Chief.


President Obama is not President Bush and we expected better. And even though we are getting much much much better, a Utopian society seems the only satiation for the people of earth. If the mentally challenged kid doesn’t pee on himself for a full day, we give him a cookie and print certificates of achievement for all to see. We may even elect him to a second term. If the straight A student suddenly gets a B+ in thermonuclear physics however, we condemn him and send him to therapy for he may now be “at risk”.

To all those wishing to vote Barack out of office for his economic inefficiencies, I would say pump your breaks, unless your breaks are made by Toyota in which case, turn the engine off, yank on the emergency break and jump out of the vehicle. Voting him out may please the tea party in Virginia but will certainly have no effect on the price of tea in China, or your ability to afford it. To put things in perspective, Dubai is having cash flow issues for God sakes. Dubai!! The most decadent region on earth. This is the place where sheiks construct islands in the likeness of palm trees and their face. A place where the toilet paper is made of 24karat, gold encrusted, 100 euros. It used to be 100-dollar bills but currency exchange rates have caused only the lower middle class residents of Dubai to wipe with USD…peasants! If Dubai is broke (or breaking) then heaven certainly has a wing shortage and maybe we should be a bit more reasonable.



As it relates to the economy, most fail to realize that once you convert your marketplace to a global economy, recovery doesn’t necessarily have to take place in the same geographical region that the recession occurred. China and India are certainly doing better than they were 20 years ago so whose to say what a recovery looks like in a global market? We may not be in a recession at all. We may just be in a realization. And if that’s the case, we may need more than President Barack Obama to help us. A black man of a much higher power may be necessary in this instance. This looks like a job for Morgan Freeman!!

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“Who in the Hell Left Gates’ Gate Closed?”

Racial Roll Call:

Al Shartpon? “Hair!”

Anne Coulture? “I ‘m sorry did someone say something? I can’t hear anything over the deafeningly unilateral tones of my own opinions, so I must have imagined that voice.”

Reverend Professor Michael Eric Dyson? “I am indubitably, undeniably, irrefutably, and in effect, in the present and current vicinity of said regional and jurisdictional blah blah blah…”

Bill O’Really? “It’s like I said in my book, Whose Looking Out For You . . .”

So we’ve all had our Michelob Lights and Cherry Wheat Samuel Adams on the White House lawn. Is everybody happy now? All pundits currently representing opposing factions of the undeclared, casualty ridden race war have rolled up their sleeves, shaken hands (with fingers crossed) and agreed to disagree. The Nutty Professor, Sargent Jim Crow, uh, I mean, Joe Crowley, President Negro the First, and who? Joe the VP? WTF is he doing here? Is he here for symmetry (offsetting two Negroes with two White Joes)? In any event, so much has been made of the arrest of Dr. Henry Louis Gates over the past few weeks that the country has been forced to overlook news pertinent to the survival of this great nation (like Michael Jackson’s toxicology reports). Just in case you’ve somehow missed the sordid details, let me bring you up to speed…

One late summer’s eve (eewww), Harvard University Professor Henry Louis Gates found himself bereft at his own absentmindedness (is this a Charles Dickens tale?). Upon returning to his quaint Cambridge abode centered in Harvard Square, Massachusetts, it seems the good professor had forgotten his house keys and locked himself out. Professor Gates was left with no recourse but to force entry through his own window with the help of a comrade (or call a locksmith). Upon witnessing this act, Ms. Benita Butrell a.k.a a concerned neighbor immediately alerted the Cambridge Police Department to the then Unidentified Professor & Co’s (UPC) code of conduct. C.P.D. promptly arrived on the scene (wonder what the response time would have been in Compton), confirmed the professor’s identity and that he was in fact in his own residence, then proceeded to arrest him for disorderly conduct after a still unclear verbal exchange involving the words “Yo mama” (was Fez / Wilma Valderama there?). Caucasian Constable Joseph Crowley’s seemingly unconventional arrest of the African-American professor set off public outrage causing everyone with an asshole - a.k.a. an opinion - to chime in.

The most publicized comment came from our beloved standing leader, President B.A. (Black American) Barack Obama. During a nationally televised press conference, the Prez proceeded to call the arresting officer a big dummy, more specifically stating he (the Crow), behaved “stupidly” in arresting H.G., not doing so Wells for his war of the words. This prompted a media firestorm pitting the black White House against the white black-sensitivity-trained officer. A precedent was set in this instance of racial profiling, and for the first time ever, the leader of the United States possessed partial membership to the longstanding protagonist’s party and displayed some semblance of empathy. There was hope across the land, as some felt there might finally be a resolve to all race issues because, after all, “My President is Black!”(but race relations are still gray).

in 1995, Earl "Butch" Graves Jr, son of Black Enterprise Magazine founder Earl Graves, was detained in Grand Central Station for fitting the description. Some of you may or may not know this but fitting the description is an actual felony in most African-American communities. I’ve personally been detained, illegally searched, and humiliated for this on multiple occasions but I will just list these:

1. The murder of a police officer in Staten Island (because the car we were driving in Brooklyn was registered in Staten Island).
2. Bank robbery in Far Rockaway (I was sitting in a parked car at night).
3. Drug dealing in Washington Square Park (the description was black male, blue jean shorts, white tee shirt, in July. . . how uncommon).
4. Being a “junior gangster” in the middle of the night (we were sitting at a red light as the police car made an illegal U-turn, pulled up behind us, took everyone out of the car and frisked us all, then searched the car including the trunk.

I won't even mention when WE called NYPD because all four of our van tires were slashed and the cops showed up, then lined us up against the very same van and frisked us. Nope, won't mention that. I seem to live in the wrong place at the wrong time I guess, or maybe I am not unique and it happens more frequently than the powers that be are comfortable admitting. Back to Earl Jr. Had he not been the son of an affluent and known businessman, we would have never known of this and yet another “unfortunate” occurrence would have been swept under the rug. Similar to Gates-Gate, there was an initial uproar, then there was a down roar and we all returned to our respective race corners and proceeded to “tag in” the next representatives to squabble over civil liberties.

Battle Royal

“Weighing in at two million convictions, 1 sodomy, 41 shell casings, and an additional 50 shell casings, we have , Justin Voulpe, the NYPD Street Crimes Unit, the LAPD and the Criminal Justice system. And in the other corner, at a combined weight of 41 shots in yo ass, 50 shots in yo’ ass, multiple batons swings to the jujunitz, and 2 million incarcerated, we have Abner Louima, Rodney King, Amadou Diallo (RIP), Sean Bell (RIP), and the Prison Industrial Complex.”

There are individuals who unknowingly subscribe to skewed ideals of “justice” just as there are those that need to be disproportionately disciplined and “rehabilitated” . Who is literally at fault is not so easily discernible. What I do know is that given the history between law enforcement and African Americans, to automatically dismiss racial bias is a definite red flag and clearly indicative of racial bias. As any police officer will tell you, ignorance of the law will not be admissible in court so why should ignorance of precedent be any more palatable? To date, no crime was committed and all charges were dropped so if there weren't other motivators for Prof Gates arrest, what written laws support Sargent Crowley's actions? It very well could be anger which would make "Joe Crow" unprofessional or it could be prejudice, which would also make him unprofessional. Maybe one day we may all learn to operate equitably despite racial differences rather than pretending they don’t exists (but I doubt it).

Sidebar: Through arduous journalistic efforts (lying) I have obtained the original transcripts of President Obama’s comments and translated the contents into the urban Negro dialect.

What He Said: “Stupidly”

What He Meant: Aw hell to the No! How Po Po gonna run up on my dude Skip in his own crib on some bullshit! Big homie liydere son! (liydere – lives there). Y’all gonna make me come up off this podium and bus you in yo’ mouf if y’all don’t chill the f*ck out! Sidebar complete.

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How You Like-a De Spice?

All new age men please place one hand on Halle Berry and repeat after me;

I (state your name), as an advanced race of man, who has transcended all racial, economical, and prejudicial barriers, hereby do solemnly decree, from this day forth, to befriend, date, hold hands, impregnate, love, marry, remain faithful, divorce, cheat on, cheat with, and cheat for, ALL women, and of ALL races, colors and creeds,  provided they fulfill my sexual, emotional, intellectual, and aesthetic desires, both temporary and permanent.     

I shall not hold culpable the ignorance of those, both female and male, who are members of my individual race, and still cling steadfast to antiquated, Aryan inbreeding, non cross-fertilization practices. I realize that all women are the Creator’s creation, and that all vaginas bring about equal happiness and stress alike. I refer to my detractors as “haters”, brusheth their insolence offeth my shouldereth, and proceed with my daily goings and comings.

 I will hold in high regard and bestow bountiful accolades upon any man who returns with social networking anecdotes remotely resembling the following; “Yo son, she’s half Scandinavian / half Uruguayan and her Mom was raised in Brooklyn.” “Say word!?” “Word” shall in fact be said and many a pound / dap / high five / commonly accepted gesture for “You da’ man!”, shall be given to any and all males in the immediate vicinity, and within a two bar stool radius, and later again upon the retelling of said tales of conquests, and later again when the relationship has soured and you recount to your besteth of comrades the sordid and freaky acts that transpired on your living room sofa and caution that he never resteth his head on the throw pillows again t’were you him.

 I acquiesce wholly to this doctrine with the full understanding that my wife, girlfriend, mistress and / or female friends will berate, bemoan, and chastise me to the fullest extent of their shortsighted bias. I am prepared to withstand any backlash that may befall me. I have however prepared a series of aliases and surnames under which I shall use to conceal my identity in the event the “haters” should attempts to recover any written evidence of my involvement.

So say one, so say We all  

Regards,

Captain James Tiberius Kirk

 Sidebar: GET OVER IT! Sidebar Complete.

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Mixed Nuts

Slavery often gets a bum rap. We are all aware of the inhumane practices, reckless murders, degradation of self-esteem, destruction of the African American family structure for generations, yada yada yada, so forth and so on. But once you get over that (and you have to), you also have to consider and accept that there had to have been some positive, latent benefits to forced, race based, 168-hour workweeks. It must have been so much easier to pick up a spot up shooter from the house for your three on three b-ball games, or forge a quartet from the fields to work out all your harmonies, arrangements and progressions as an aspiring song writer (“Why I always gots to sing baritone massa? I sangs da' baritone last time.”) “Wade in the Water”, along with several other Negro top forty spirituals were all borne during that period and have stood the test of time so it is quite evident that hardships brought about the best in artists (and no, we can’t force rappers into slavery for some better lyrical content . . . but what if . . . NAH . . . not even a little slavery . . . NOT GONNA HAPPEN . . . how about if they mirror the Army Reserves where they are only slaves on the weekends, once a month . . . I SAID NO!)

Slavery was one of the greatest historical examples of integration I can think of. Dr. Dre and Eminem aside , slavery allowed the White Man and the Black Man to harness each other’s natural abilities and work in tandem. Many milestones and accomplishments were spurned by these close-knit working relationships, forged between master & servant, and across multiple fields of expertise. Strides were made in arenas such as:

• Culinary Arts - Lil’ Niecy’s Smoked Chipotle Chitterlings Recipe was one of many dishes birthed from slavery. It never really took off but her Uncle & Aunt (Ben and Jemima respectively) had tremendous successes with their product lines.
• Sports - The Cross Country / Long Distance / Escaping / Running /Hurdling /Wading / 2000 IM / Marksmanship /Decathlon was the first fully integrated sport that put the strength, will, and endurance of both races to the mettle. Something tells me Kenyan’s were in New York City sipping on Coolata’s way before Harriet Tubman ever contemplated crossing state lines, pre emancipation.
• Sports Part Deux – Equestrian memberships were at an all time high whilst in the pursuit of said Coolata capturing Kenyan’s ("I am very happy to be here ".)
• Entertainment / The Advent of the “N” Word - Without slavery, the social significance of C.W.A (Coloreds With an Attitude) would not have resonated throughout America’s streets and brought light to the plight of urban youth. “Colored Please!” See? It’s just not the same.
• The Economy - That was the whole point of slavery in the first place.
• Nation Building – Like America for instance.

Let us also pay homage to those brazen individuals who transcended racial barriers and became shining examples of the wonders and benefits of integration:

1. Woody Harrelson / Wesley Snipes
2. Larry Bird / Magic Johnson
3. Gene Wilder / Richard Pryor
4. Mel Gibson / Danny Glover
5. Michael Jackson / Michael Jackson
6. Eminem / Dr. Dre
7. The Police / The Killers (both rock bands are heavily influenced by rhythm and blues, as is all rock music. What did you think I meant you racist?
8. The Label / The Artist
9. Corporate America / The Mailroom
10. The Cookie / The Cream

And what of all the mixed couples, both past and present, imagined and real:

1. Seal / Heidi Klum
2. Halle Berry / Tommy Lee Jones
3. Bill Maher / Superhead
4. Ted Danson / Whoopi Goldberg
5. Bill / Hilary Clinton
6. Obama Daddy / Obama Momma
7. Nick Cannon / Mariah Carrey (this is the first time it is visibly evident that she’s got a little black in her. I keeed I keeed.)
8. Prince / Every hot white woman you could ever imagine (and two you can’t.)
9. The entire cast of Interracial Babes Volumes 1 through 15 (good work guys.)
10. Big “Blond Dizzy” Bird / Mr. “All the Ladies Call Me Chocolate Long Trunk” Snufflelufugus

As we, the offspring of prior generations, both black and white, old and young, shaken (by the remnants of racism) and stirred (by the possibility of change), who will never have to endure nearly as much hardships as our ancestors, go forth into the new millennia (insert graduation commencement address here), I verily yay say on to thee, gaze not into the hard stares of adversity that arise in your lives with fear and apprehension, but rather, as opportunities to turn lemons into lemon flavored Kool-Aid, cotton into fresh White Tees, and the “N “word into the IN word. And for the racist remaining, I have two words for you; As my mentor Peter Griffin once said, “COME ON”. Can’t we all just get along? Besides, your son knows every single word to Rick Ross’s new single and he thinks Lauren London is hot (and rightfully so.) So you betta' break yo’ self sucka because in addition to being the grand wizard of the KKK, you could also soon be the new granddaddy of the next Grandmaster Flash. Aint life Grand?

Sidebar; The Los Angeles Police Department would like to extend a belated and heart felt thank you to Rodney King for his assistance in the testing and implementation of the New and Improved Ass Flog brand Billy Club / Behavioral Correction Mechanism. “How many hits does to take to get to the center of a Black man? The world may never know.” Sidebar Complete.

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Pride & Prejudice

After Tuesday’s election, I am 100% convinced that I am racist. I hate black people. Don’t be alarmed for I also hate white people. I hate the Asians, can’t stand Indians (Indigenous, East and West), Hispanics, and basically anyone I can get my ignorance on (don’t want to exclude my Middle Eastern brethren so I hate you all too). I hate the way black people are so damned loud. We go through all this trouble to meet face to face just so we can bellow at the top of our lungs about what Jayshawn did to Libaysha (pronounced lie bay shuh). Can you please bring the volume down to 10? I hate the way white people wear shorts at the first glimmer of sunlight, even in winter. Go put some damn corduroys on! It’s still f*cking cold out! I hate the way Spanish people converse with such nasally intonations. Why don’t you vapor rub some prescription strength Vicks on your chest and clear all that up? Is that ok Mookie? I especially abhor big nosed Nigerians with all their multi million-dollar inheritances that can only be accessed with my bank account information. Why am I so hateful you ask? Why not (and I hate you for asking?) The equally ubiquitous nature of my hatronage however renders itself innocuous and allows me to harvest fruitful relationships with individuals of all races.

Had I defined the issue before a heated discussion ensued, I could’ve avoided an extendedly passionate, 4 -5 hour debate regarding racism (probably not since I’m sure I instigated.)
The argument; Everyone is racist but will never acquiesce due to the stigma it accompanies (much like we condemn liars but that trait is inherent in us all). The counter argument; a) I am on crack and b) not everyone is racist.

The Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines racism as a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular racial group, and that it is also the prejudice based on such a belief.

I believe we all have a preference as it relates to race and everything else. In order to identify a person, place or thing, one must first have prior reference points from which to extrapolate meaning. If I said, “ look at all those fruits”, you have already referenced an image that you personally and commonly identify with. It could be apples, oranges, or the derogatory reference to homosexuality, but your reference point has already been tapped and unarguably travels with emotional baggage. Some folk seek further clarity as to transcend misunderstanding but all will ultimately pass judgment.

Now does this mean you have to hate oranges in order to love apples? Yes and no. You don’t have to detest oranges but in order for a preferential relationship, and therefore prejudice to exist, something / someone has to occupy the position of the non-preferred item. You cannot have two favorites so you may just happen to overlook the orange that is equally as qualified as the apple for the fruit position. Does this make you a bad person? Yes. Admit it. You suck. Albeit unintended, favoritism makes you shady if your decisions adversely affect the livelihood of said orange. By not admitting prejudice, you run the risk of enacting “one size fits all” models that plays favorites and eventually ostracizes said orange from your society. The orange will eventually rise up against your oppressive regime, protest and file multiple discrimination suits. Eventually you will realize that in an office of 300 fruits, you have only employed one underpaid orange, in the mail room.

In hindsight, my argument was fundamentally flawed in that it addressed only parts of racism and not the whole (2 eggs and a cup of sugar do not a cake make). I focused on prejudice, which is a prominent by product of racism, but ignored the supremacist component, which is where the contention centered. My argument was prejudice unto itself in that it discounted specifics of the definition in order to justify its preference (Proposition 8 is bullshit by the way). No wonder my boys were so vehemently opposed. I have come to expect such hostility from black men however.

I don’t believe any race is superior to another but I do uphold higher expectations for those I resemble. It is akin to cheering on your home country during the Olympics, no matter the event. It is called pride. Does my pride make me prejudice? Hell yes! Does this make me a bad person however? No. I acknowledge my prejudice and that realization makes me a much better person than you (seriously, I’m great). Acknowledgement is the first step so here goes; Hi, my name is Alf and I’m a Racial-holic.

Sidebar; The predominant argument refuting the existence of reverse racism remains the balance of power and the belief that those who cannot deny civil liberties cannot effectively enact racism. Bullshit. Reverse racism exists. You affect the universe by the energies you emit so if you harbor prejudice, it will manifest itself and be paid forward. If you choose to solely associate with your preferred race, you deny yourself the benefit of exposure to alternate cultures / perspectives and vise versa. Your ignorance consequently stifles your own growth, inevitably becoming a detriment to your community. We all have the ability to affect lives and if you genuinely don’t ascribe to that philosophy, you grossly understate your societal value. Now go forth, and place an ad on Craigslist seeking black & white friends. Sidebar complete.

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Black in America (I’m Blacker Than You, Parts 1 & 2)

When I first got wind of CNN's 2 part documentary chronicling the black experience in America, I was a bit concerned. Secrets inherent to African Americans were soon to be exposed for all the world to see and nothing could be done to intervene. Furthermore, it was being presented in double album format and we all know how unsatisfying those can be (sans Life after Death). I feared Soledad O’Brien (host @ large) would unravel ancient quagmires such as; 1) what made black men capable of dunking a basketball, 2) our affinity for all chicken’s fried, and most importantly, C) why black women have great derrières. Once the rest of America was privy to this information, what little advantages we yielded would surely be mitigated (seems my Caucasian sisters have already discovered the lost scrolls for bigger backsides and I whole heartedly applaud their application). Much to my relief, the subject matter didn’t deal with those issues at all. After watching the entire series however, I almost wished it would have.

The CNN exposé delved into current and long standing afflictions commonly associated with African Americans. You may or may not have heard by now but all black men are in prison, none of our bastard children can read, and all our women have HIV. We are also systematically oppressed by racism and classism, and also under represented in all professional arenas except maybe sports and entertainment (not ownership of course, merely participation). In all fairness, Soledad (may I call you Soledad?) certainly referenced positive progressions made, although extremely far and few between. What was hilarious to me was how she made mention of the few positive images of Af-Ams on television as she delineated all the negatives. I guess a documentary focused on successful African Americans with everyday troubles would not have generated desired Nielsen ratings. Forecasting black Armageddon however always proves itself more lucrative. The Cosby show eternally fulfilled mainstream media’s positive influence quotient so it’s back to crack babies and Colin Ferguson for the lot of you!

Soledad’s mild hitting narrative left me with a feeling that successes of African Americans pale in comparison to our insurmountable racial, societal, medical, marital, economical, ethical, and sexual woes (we also have incurable athlete’s foot). According to CNN and the rest of the mainstream, Blacks seem to be the Washington Generals of society. We just can’t seem to get it together, unlike the rest of perfect America. Had I taken these harbingers of doom to heart, and gas prices were lower, I certainly would have attempted suicide visa vie carbon monoxide ingestion. Impending extinction has been steadily predicted for years now and has grown almost comical given the failure of fruition. I narrowly made it through “you will be shot dead before 21” and the "extinction of the black man" but I guess I shoud be awaiting second hand, illiterate, bacon induced, coronary arterial heart failure (sexually transmitted of course). There truly is no hope.

Sorry to say but the documentary was not atypical in the least. With the exception of the assumed co host, who is apparently the lost member of Digable Planet (what’s the deal with the guy in the paper boy hat and his spoken word segways before commercial breaks), everything else was rather trite. As always, our esteemed talking heads bestowed their offerings on the issues at hand, and rightfully so. What self respecting documentary would be complete without the foremost authoritarians to enlighten us on why shit is so fucked up? Reverend Dr. Michael Eric “8 Syllable” Dyson amongst others, made valid and numerable contributions as they have in forums past when called upon to diagnose social ailments.

“Comprehension is not requisite for cooperation.” (Dr. Cornell West was most profound in the Matrix). Councilor West’s statement absolutely holds true but if I remain loyal to my conspiratorial roots, I can’t very well adhere to messages presented without inquiry now can I? Something just didn’t make sense here. Could it be that CNN was pandering to the Negro constituent base at a time when race is such a hot button topic? Nooses, black presidential candidates and mulatto news anchors aside, there has never been a better time to address black America. CNN spent 4 prime time hours discussing tertiary effects while the root cause of all our quandaries was sparsely addressed; IT’S SLAVERY STUPID! They should have just shown Alex Hailey’s Roots instead of wasting my time. Slavery was barely referenced and for that not to be the centralized focus is akin to rescinding the Atom Bomb’s effects on Hiroshima. When someone can identify an issue unique to blacks that doesn’t stem directly from slavery and the ramifications thereof, please shoot me an email.

Now this is not a knock on Soledad or CNN (of course it is) but I also don’t believe the black experience, if there is such a thing, can be reduced to a 4 hour miniseries. There are too many varying components that coexist, rendering the “Black in America” experience indefinable. First generation immigrants and their assimilation to American culture, lack of challenging and relatable curriculums in public education, and 2 part documentaries that circumvent the issues would have to be addressed in order to encapsulate my personal experience, as an example. In addition, African Americans remain 12-14 % of the populous so while disproportionately affected, we are not exclusive to these problems. “America in Blacks” would have been a more apt title.

I firmly believe Black issues will taper off at some point in the future (or at least be replaced by more interesting Spanish or Asian problems). We are what, the third or fourth generation allowed to attend schools without armed escorts and to actually amass wealth? As Nas stated, we are “America’s teenagers”. We also have active laws that prosecute solely on racial bias so we still have a ways to go (see Rockefeller, drug laws / bullshit). 45 years ago, we were being hosed down and forced to drink from “colored only” water fountains. Now we have rights somewhat but should know better than to drink from any public fountains for they all have streptococcal cultures lurking below the spigot. Now that’s progress! America was not the nation it is now 45 years after gaining independence and “Black” America will be no different. Patience young Padawan. I do think we will progress faster once we start viewing all issues as American, void of racially divisive codifications.

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Black is the New White

If I may paraphrase the internationally renowned thespian Will Ferrell, “I’m so angry right now”. I am thoroughly incensed by the steady flow of covert racial innuendo being levied against Senator Barack Obama. Seems every opportunist and closet racist in America has geared up to spew acrimony in the name of capital benefit. Tee shirts with monkeys holding bananas, “Obama is my slave” sweatshirts, “Baby momma” references about his wife (Fox News of course), and the now nefarious New Yorker cover are all part of the recent onslaughts. I would personally suggest those responsible for the rampant libeling go fuck themselves with a pre owned condom but that’s just me.

I never believed an African American presidential candidate could be taken seriously in an election. More astonishing is to fathom a blackish man having to defend himself against elitist accusations. Are you fucking kidding me? Nothing but bloodclot multi millionaires have occupied the position of president since the inception of the position of president and now classism takes the forefront? Sans Theresa “Sweet Tomatoes” Heinz - Kerry & Cindy “Barley & Hops” McCain, both of whom are extremely wealthy spouses, I rarely recall affluence being a detriment to the perceived, presumed, presidential candidate elect (maybe). One cannot partake in this mockery of an electoral process without millions upon millions of dollars spent ad nauseum (a seemingly victorious cocktail of campaign contributions and one’s own personal wealth). Don’t know about the rest of you but if millions were at my disposal, I am no longer a commoner. I may be common but the suit is most certainly Armani! News flash; if your multiple income streams afford you the luxuries of a particular socioeconomic class, i.e. the governing 10%, and you indulge in said social practices, you are an elitist. Jay-Z can holla Marcy Projects al dia y todo dia until his lungs collapse but I doubt he still consumes fried bologna sandwiches (take a note kids, the bologna is not ready until it swells and forms the coveted bologna dome in the middle of the pan).

America Inc. was founded by rich guys and for rich guys (est. 1776) so how could anyone vying for the CEO position not be considered an elitist? We have always held these truths to be self evident that all affluent Caucasian males are created equal provided they enslave Africans (update to middle class) for their own financial benefit whilst perpetuating misogynist practices (I made some amendments to the constitution, sue me). Which begs me to ask; “Is Barack’s elitist-ism more apparent considering he doesn’t mirror the image of the prototypical elitist? Loosely translated; who does this zebra think he is running for president of white America?

Be it financial or intellectual, I personally don’t care if the candidate is an elitist. I wouldn’t want to imagine what a layman would be tempted to do with executive privilege. You could very well see a chromed out Air Force One parked outside my next barbeque were I elected president, just to prove to all the haters that I have arrived! And we have all enjoyed the benefits of having a president whose intellectual discourse rivals the children he is not trying to leave behind. My main concern is that said candidate be a realist.

Here’s an innovative notion; How about attacking B.A Barack’s ass on the principles under which he is actually campaigning? I don’t believe most folks are well informed as to his intended policies. We are however familiar with his pastor, his children, his parents, his affinity for basketball, his upbringing, his pet peeves, etc . . . Not really sure if I should vote for him for president or the next American Idol, nor what’s the difference would be.

I guess I should be in full support of Senator Obama. He is African, he is male, he is a Democrat and he plays basketball (were virtually brothers). Honestly though, there is no genetic predisposition to support all things “black” and as such, I have the luxury of individual perspective. Senator Obama is still a politician entrenched in a system predicated on greed, grandular delusions (not a word but it is now), and personal gain. If not by osmosis alone, Barack’s hands are dirty. Let us also not assume that his nomination alleviates Black America’s woes. It is a victory in symbolism only, similar to impaling the moon’s surface with one’s flag pole.

This is not to say that I am a McCain advocate by any stretch of the imagination. In addition to his many polices coinciding with that of the Bush administration (who knew wrong was the new right), his campaign seems inconsequential in comparison to hurricane Obama. Truth be told, I would sooner vote for the Hamburglar (his ideas on anti obesity legislation are quite progressive).

As always, we are down to the lesser of 2 evils. The lesser evil this go round just happens to half belong to the race commonly perceived as evil, rendering said decision more enigmatic for some. Personally, I will vote for Obama and I will feel proud that a black man is in office should he win (I know I contradicted myself but I don’t need that now). I should feel better that the right person for the job is elected and I will should that occur but I would be lying if I didn’t admit some semblance of solidarity.

The beauty of this nation (insert Star Spangeld Banner here) is that we are constantly presented opportunities to trail blaze arenas commonly designated for the status quo. I do hope that Obama mirrors the Eminem phenomena and not the Vanilla Ice example. The raising of any mission accomplished banners post inauguration should be averted however for it will be just the beginning of the Obama bashing. So let the perceived, presumed, first, literally African-American but not quite white Presidential elect bashing begin (maybe)! I hope Barack has G. I Joe, S.H.E.I.L.D, Navy Seals, Bloods, Latin Kings, Attack Force Delta, Oprah, and every other special forces detail at his disposal for it is going to be quite an exciting 4 years.

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