We Can Rebuild Her. We Have the Technology!

It’s no secret that men will do just about anything for women. We will board the wrong train car, buy a car, walk the opposite direction, walk the same direction faster, rob, steal, kill, go to school (no one knew the graduation rate at certain institutions of higher learning but most assuredly testified to the male/female ratio) and a slew of other dubious excursions for the sake of the ladies. If it weren’t for women, I don’t think I would’ve ever left New York. No offense to Virginia, Atlanta, and Myrtle Beach, but I would’ve never touched down on your fertile grounds t’were it not for rumors of touchdowns on fertile grounds. Rumors that had to be confirmed first hand for the sake of “fair and balanced” reporting. Ahhhh good times!! So for all the hooplas men jump through over a pair of high heels and a tight skirt, how come women haven’t figured out that they really don’t need high heels and a tight skirt to get what they already have?

Women put a lot of work into appearance. The booming grooming, cosmetic, fashion, fragrance, footwear and every other market associated with Build-a-Broad (patent pending) can attest to this. And of course, things always get taken to extremes. Between the big wigs, big shoes and big eye lashes, several women are one red nose away from becoming licensed clowns in all 51 states (Puerto Rico pending). Why so much work ladies? And spare me the “I do it for me” spiel. You guys wear high heels for your benefit like men wear pumpkin hued sweaters for theirs. After observing the awkward gait of several dames gallivanting in high heels (my corns throb just watching), I’m convinced medieval torture in the form of stilettos is not a satisfactory means of pampering. You do what gets attention and you do what works, and albeit painful, it works. It really works. Did I mention it works? But I digress.

Now don’t get me wrong, we (men) do appreciate the efforts. I just don’t know if women realized that if they stopped going through these beautification rituals tomorrow, men would find other transient attributes to gravitate toward in 2-3 minutes, tops. If you guys shaved your heads and wore white sheets, men would immediately begin commentary on who had the sexiest scalp and speculate heavily over what lies under your 300-thread count (“Did you see them sheets son?! Damn!!”) It would be the first time in history no one had an issue with white sheets and skin heads in Harlem.

Truth be told, men really don’t care. As long as a woman is physically attractive, we could care less about the garnish. We are well aware that the garnish is meant to dress up the bird but seriously, no one ever left the dinner table talking about how magically delicious the garnish was.

Maybe it’s not just about men. There could be more to this. Is their some sort of competition going on that merits all the pageantry? Of course there is! In addition to the competition caused by an everlasting drought of “good” men (It hasn’t rained men in years), the merciless promotion of low self-esteem in the name of Proactiv-ly selling Neet products is certainly at an all time high. The cosmetic industry is in competition to disarm women of their disposable income. We have reached a point that almost all parts of a woman can be purchased over the counter (“Can I have some titties and a diet Pepsi?”). All parts except of course the one part that if it were capable of being purchased, men would be the predominant consumers. Can you imagine how many new and pre-owned vagina dealerships would open nationwide if that ever hit the market? Not to mention the black market, bootleg and fake vaginas sold on Canal Street. But I digress.

Let us also not forget futile efforts to defeat aging. I don’t know one woman who hasn’t been “25” years old at least twice. Women are engaged (poor choice of words) in a battle against an unrelenting adversary; Themselves.

Please allow myself to help you win the battle against…yourself(?). Ladies, you may be wasting your time trying to please men. We are fickle and horny. We certainly don’t care to an extent that merits the level of effort you extend. Few have turned their nose up at a beautiful woman because her eyebrows weren’t plucked to perfection. We may however suggest she wear a headband and shades all the time (I keed I keed). I’m not sure who the first man was to compliment a woman on her long-lasting lustrous lashes by L’Oreal but he was probably also attracted to the same man she was.

Men are visual and are most often drooling over the image of beauty as we are the actual woman. Imagery which today means tight jeans, high heels, long hair and everything else popping out. I’ve caught myself looking at mannequins like “damn, she can get it!” Under the appropriate lighting, the silky caress of a monkey’s paw would probably turn most men on (“Coco meant nothing to me. I swear!”). That should give you sense of just how fickle we are. Truthfully, men are more concerned with what lies beneath the Manolos and mascara (your hearts and minds of course). All the products in the world won’t help if you aren’t taking good care of yourselves physically and mentally. What good is a hot comb in one hand if you have hot wings in the other?

As for father time, that is one man you don’t have to try to attract. And since you can’t escape him, may as well embrace him. The beauty of aging is you get to add experience to the package and broaden your overall horizon. Age helps you avoid the trouble your young, tight, perky, naive buns used to get you into. Live in the present and get your Claire Huxtable on whenever the time comes.

Read more »

Guess & Polo

P Wings, 1992 Stadiums, Teddy knits, Indian Heads, Cookie boots and the legendary Suicide & Fireball goose down jackets! If you grew up in any semi conscious fashion state in NY in the 80’s and 90’s, you are well aware of the prior listed “I Tees” (items) and the complete and utter dominance of fashion designer Ralph Lauren on our adolescence, particularly urban adolescence. For those who indulged, the mere thought of this fashion trend probably brings a half smile to the frosted side of your shredded Mini Wheat biscuit (the kid in you). When trying fruitlessly to explain the social significance of Polo or “Lo” to today’s youth, I get the “Get outta my face with your stupid ass teddy bear sweater” look. I can’t wait for them to receive similar glares 18 years from now as they wax poetic about tight ass, spaghetti strap ass, skinny leg jeans and Ed Hardy to their offspring. If they even have offspring. Seriously children, take those nut molesters off your ass and get some jeans that fit! If your balls have no choice but to inversely rest above your penis, your jeans are too tight!

Any self-respecting individual seeking social indoctrination in high school, or just a fan of Ralph Lauren, had at least one item in their wardrobe growing up. Even if you couldn’t afford a big-ticket item (the larger the logo, the higher the uncut cool value), a pair of Polo chino’s or a dress shirt with the tiny Polo player stitched in the corner would suffice, at least to you. Any garment displaying a logo in plain view was a go. Knights of the Round Table, U.S Polo Association, or any other knock off was not acceptable however! Some worked for it, convinced their parents to buy it (I’m impressed), traded with others, and obtained it by any means necessary (Boosting, shoplifting, “throwing it up the back”, etc...) Petty theft wouldn’t have been a plausible option for me. Finding a new place of residence if caught wasn’t worth a sweater, no matter the amount of points racked up on the high school Coolametric scale. So I remained “corny” (in fashion only cause I’s a cool mofo) until my personal recession was over. We used to take field trips just to acquire Polo. Raise your hand if you have ever been to Reading Pennsylvania, Franklin Mills, Century 21, Prato (both locations), Burlington Coat Factory (all three locations), Carle Place NY, TJ Maxx, and Marshalls, in search off. Of course you could get it for full price at the Polo Mansion, Macys, Bloomingdales, & A&S (you thought I forgot huh) or any other reputable establishment well within reasonable proximity and not requiring you to pack a lunch, but if you were like me, your budget was limited so you had to be crafty (plus it was fun). Asking your parents for a 200-dollar shirt just didn’t yield a high dividend so you obtained Polo by traveling what seemed like cross- country at the time (all the way through Long Island by bus.)

I remember gangs being dedicated to fashion (Lo-Lifes for Polo, Faceheads for Northface, Tommy Boys for Hilfiger) which seems a bit “West Side Story” and non masculine now but these fashion gangs definitely consisted of aspiring thugs and murders so judge not a book by it matching cover with coordinated Jansport strings and Fila sneakers to boot. As a matter of fact, many a folk had their ass kicked and their clothes taken clean off their backs on several occasions (they ain’t ever take shit from me! Do you know who the f*ck I am?! Plus I aint have shit.) Some folks even lost their lives. It was never that serious but it was always that serious when you were a kid.

Ralph Lauren was my official welcoming to brand name marketing, social acceptance and keeping up with the Joneses. No matter how cool you were, No “Lo” equaled no “Ho” in certain circles. Harsh right? I only say “ho” because how is a chick that goes out with you for what you drive any different than one who likes you for what you wear (is this an after school special?) Same digger, different gold. We were young boys and we did what the girls liked but it almost seemed like the moment I walked out of the store with my first official “I Tee”, the value of Ralph Lauren diminished like a new car driven off the lot. It was never about the actual clothes but the way it made you feel / was perceived. Valuable items seldom add value to your self worth. Once you obtain that feeling of confidence and self worth however, you should realize that it can’t be taken away and that it comes from within. There is nothing wrong with learning that lesson once. It is when you persist with the pursuit of the latest, car, house or gadget that you may want to reevaluate your esteem. Do you ever buy things to make yourself feel better? To date, one of the most beautiful women I have ever dated, I met wearing a tee shirt & shorts while taking out the garbage. Your clothes have very little to do with your persona. It is just garnish, which for all intents and purposes, can never replace the substance of an actual meal. Work on your meal.

Sidebar; I still wear Polo every now and again but it aint for chicks. They don’t even know what it is most times and find it ostentatious. I enjoy it for nostalgic purposes. Ok, that and the look on other collector’s faces when I “shit on ‘em” 16 years later with some classic shit. I will forever remain a child! Sidebar complete.

Read more »