I Am Not That Random

In the last few weeks on Planet Internet, my closest friends, associates, classmates, and enemies revealed some rather introspective incites into their psyche. So, do we all feel better now? Anyone need a hankie? Häagen-Dazs and Grey Goose never hurt anyone (if you don’t count lactose intolerant related illnesses and alcoholism) so let me know whenever you guys need it. I will have “ Da Goose” on tap and ready to go at your request.

I initially joined the Facebook fray thinking I would shock the system with the unique details of my existence. After reading the notes of others, I realized that everyone else on earth has either experienced rather painful occurrences in their lives, or are just plain weirdoes and I have since deleted them from my friend’s list (really son, you wear lip gloss and high heels to practice Tai Chi?)

My girlfriend’s soul bearing #16 on her list led me to globally debut my #6. Something once considered inconceivable to me had now paled in comparison to her testimonials. And it seemed the more folk composed and forwarded their own lists, a chain letter reaction brought about the liberating virtual act of closing one’s eyes and reeling backwards into the collective arms of the cyber community, trusting us with the dinosaur sized skeletons in your walk-in closets. Whatever the rational for those who participated, I thank you once again for reaffirming ideals for which I require constant mnemonic devices (see title). With that said, I would like to make this offering to a friend who courageously chose to begin her healing process on Day One of her loss. We are all glad you came out last Saturday K. Mullin.

1. Honor his life in the way you lead yours.
2. LYAO (laugh your *ss off) - To be immediately downloaded onto your Ipod: (Trading Places, Coming to America, Family Guy, the Dave Chappelle “Rick James” Skit, any George W. speech, etc)
3. Remember moments that made you laugh so hard, you literally peed on yourself (but only a little).
4. You will be told over and over to be strong for this one or that one. While you are being strong for others, realize that you will always have your family and friends to be strong for you. Utilize that asset to the fullest.
5. If you feel like it, cry until your eyes hurt.

I once asked my brother if he had to do it all over again, would he bring our dad back, to which he replied, “No”. Of course, I being a young Jedi, was about to fly off the handle and accuse him of embodying all sorts of evil. Then he explained himself as follows; “You have no idea what could or could not have happened had he lived. What if he lived but we lost them both in a car accident? What if he survived the heart attack and was made to suffer for the remainder of his life?” He painted so many alternate grim scenarios that ONLY losing my dad didn’t seem like such a bad option (never argue with anyone while they are in law school). My brother’s point was this: what is meant to be will be, and there really is no better or worse, there just is. It is not deep. It is not a feel good explanation. It is life. How you chose to deal with it defines YOUR life.

It has been 15 years since and the grief is infrequent but it is still in fact there. There are still bad days and we all find ways to cope. Some turn to religion and some compartmentalize. I channeled my energies to pursue music producer / writer aspirations and whatever the hell else I feel like doing. I needed therapy in some fashion and got it by whatever healthy means necessary (including actual therapy). Who knew a grown “Manly” man who abhors public humiliation could ever sob the entire duration of a 1.5 hour “A” train ride to Far Rockaway on Christmas Eve because he misses his daddy, and then write about it? But if I have to embarrass myself to help others and ultimately help myself deal, then flashback to the time I wore a dress in our High School Musical. The fellas in the front row were making comments about my “fatty” because they really thought I was a chick from the back (speaks to the very nature of boys and tight dresses). I make a hideous woman by the way. Trust me. You would sooner escort Wanda or Shanaynay to your ex girlfriend’s housewarming to prove just how much you have stepped your game up.