In Closing . . .

“And now, the end is near, and so I face . . .” It’s over. 2008 is a rizzle (i.e. wrap!) We have witnessed Black Presidents (yay), bailouts (boo), and a slew of other almanac infesting factoids sure to be viewed on a multitude of mediums and top 10 countdowns. As you draft your New Years vows for which you will undoubtedly commit adultery, take a moment to reflect on all the growth, and dumb shit you’ve managed to wade through this annum. Last year, I asked my friends what their greatest failure and greatest accomplishment was for the year. I would ask the same question this year but due to a little personal development on my part, I can no longer deem anything a failure for there lies a lesson in everything, and if your eyes are ajar, you can benefit from it all (for instance, Jets fans can benefit from Sunday’s loss by ceasing to be Jets fans). Here is my personal list of lessons learned for 2008. Make up your own. Pass it amongst yourself. I guarantee you will need the same list next year.

1. Two bowls of chili is my limit. You have no idea how many fluffy white rabbits were harmed in the filming of my one-man epic “The Day My Bowels Did Not Stand Still (“Does a bear shit in the woods . . .?”)

2. You do everything the same way. Your mindset dictates your action. You may be applying the same train of thought to get out of trouble when that is what got you there in the first place. How do you change your mindset you ask? Congratulations. You’re at step one.

3. Everything is Permanent. You can never read this sentence again for the first time. Value your time.

4. PERPESPECTIVE IS A MOTHERFUCKER!!!

5. Know When to Fold ‘Em. Fucking with shit you don’t understand will get you in trouble. From the chick / dude you just can’t figure out, even after 16 years, to Collateralized Debt Obligations, if it doesn’t make sense, you will lose dollars.

6. Chill Son! There is nothing wrong with sitting on the sidelines sometimes and watching the first string quarterback get his ass kicked so you know what NOT to do. Don’t be so eager to start. Patience is not synonymous with inactivity.

7. “Why You Always Gotta.. ?!” Character flaws in others that drive you the craziest may be reminiscent of your own weaknesses. This could be why it so offends your sensibilities. Don’t be so quick to point the finger.

8. A mouse survives by being a mouse. A lion survives by being a lion. Know who you are and stay in your lane.

9. Two bowls of chili is my limit. I now understand what Man on Fire truly means!

10. Empathize. Don’t be the asshole senior who has the freshman reciting “I’m coo coo for Coco Puffs” on the lunchroom table with his pants down for all the world to see. Especially when you were scared to death on your freshman day. Tradition is all well and good until said freshman returns with an Uzi and decorates the school with news reporters. The emotional scars to said freshman may be irreparable and he / she may end up becoming your asshole boss. Every cause has effect so spread love (unless of course said freshman really is coo coo for Coco Puffs, in which case, carry on.)

11. STFU – Whatever is malo con tu vida loca, it could be worse. If you are reading this, you have computer access, you are inside, warm, and are either resolving to earn more cheese or cake in the New Year, or consume less cheese and cake in the New Year. You’d think you would’ve figured out that those 2 issues might be directly intertwined by now (See # 2). IN ANY EVENT, I’m sure you’d love to explain your dilemma to starving children, face to face. Appreciate what you have you ass!

12. STFU - Subsection B1, article 120, et al; - So your boo /spouse / partner / friend / boss / cat is an asshole. So what? So are you. Deal. Another night has come and gone and no one has disconnected the security camera in the master bedroom and tried to stab the other person 31 times, 2 inches below the left chest plate with a shank made out of ice because they’ll never find fingerprints when the murder weapon melts. “Then I’ll finally be rid of this succubus!” And no the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. Why do you ask? Whatever ails your relationship’s soul, you get to try and fix it tomorrow. Even if fixing it means leaving. Less talk, more divorce lawyers (or not, but definitely less talk).

13. I finally Know Enough to Know That I Don’t Know Shit! And somehow, it always applies.

14. Get Off The Fence. You know what you have to do to increase your quality of life and you’ve known for quite some time. What else are you waiting for exactly? More motivation? Another hard lesson? They are all out there, eagerly waiting to assist. The matrix has a peculiar way of uploading the same virus in as many forms as it takes until you either upgrade or crash your operating system. Which do you think absorbs more emotional currency?

15. Worth Repeating. There is no spoon (as I was recently reminded). If you can’t figure out why you’re in a rut, maybe it’s because you think you are in a rut (see Motherfucker, Perspective is a.)


Happy New Year!!!



Sidebar; Two bowls of chili is my limit. Sidebar complete