Monday, December 22, 2008

2 Snaps Up

There seems to be a notion that African American men are rampant homophobes and deeply apprehensive of the gays. Ok, it’s not a notion, it is extremely true. Being homosexual remains the most incendiary accusation in the black male community (double entendre intended). Ask a Black Dude if he’s ever considered being gay and you are sure to get the most “you have insulted my family name and I challenge you to a duel” response than any other question about any other subject (except for maybe asking a teenager if he’s a virgin in a crowded lunchroom). Now if you hadn’t ever considered being gay, how do you know if you are or not? Don’t you have to at least think about it in order to rule it out wholly? So now that you’ve thought about it, my next question is; why are gays the literal black plague?

First things first, my butt hole is not for exploration. I am well aware of the cluster of nerves that reside in my “anoose” (as Borat would say.) HOWEVER, I am quite content with the nerves I have discovered in the head of my penis thus far. This is not even a subject for debate. No person (male or female) has ever even come in remote proximity to my lost city of Ass-lantis. Whatever treasures buried there will remain undiscovered. I don’t care how good it’s supposed to feel. Maybe performing fellatio on an Aborigines Koala releases endorphins never before experienced by man but guess who ain’t gonna discover that either? Yup. Me. My prostate would have to be dangling by a fibroid before I even allowed a medical doctor to venture where no man has gone before. I feel sorry for any alien that abducts me and attempts to probe me rectally. Upon returning to earth, my life’s sole dedication would be to be to construct a spaceship a la “Astronaut Farmer” then utilize “Google Earth” to “Google Mars”, locate said terrestrial’s home address and appropriately “thank” Roger with two hollow point, cyanide tipped, .38 caliber shells special delivered to his dark grey melon. Phone that home!

As you may or may not have deduced, I am a raging heterosexual and for 2 very good reasons; I am attracted to women and I am not attracted to men. Despite this fact, gay men and women do not offend me. I didn’t even know I was supposed to be offended by them. This is not to say that I hang out at the Blue Oyster but I am not running for the hills because there’s a gay man in the room either. I associate and interact with no issues. I don’t want a doggie biscuit for this (I don’t even eat dog biscuits anymore). It is what it is. I also don’t feel the need to say “No Homo” after every quasi-manly statement. I think flowers accent a room. “What n*gga!? I’ll still kick your ass and bang your wife out thoroughly”. I’m just saying, “Tulips is gangsta!” Can you imagine if you were meandering down the road and heard someone say “I was eating chicken, “No Negro”, then I went to play basketball, “No Negro”, then I put on my doo rag and held up the liquor store, “No Negro”, etc . . .” It’s just plain silly. Unless you are a homo, in which case, there is no need to say “No Homo”, stop saying “No Homo!”

Homosexuality was introduced to Gen X’ers by the media in the early AID-ees under the premise that Caucasian gay men were carriers for all sorts of terminal epidemics. I wasn’t even aware that gays had existed (let alone black ones) since the dawn of time until much later on in life. I just figured they were invented in the same laboratory where urban legend stated the AIDS virus was also manufactured (somewhere in Maryland right?) Now let’s see what happens when we add a dash of BLACK people to Mass Media Fear Stew shall we? Injecting a culture that feels a need to define itself by the most extreme of socially accepted masculine behaviors, partially due to ignorance and partially because said culture desperately clings to trace amounts of manhood residue settled from Hurricane Dysfunctional Family, with this ill informed vilifying of gays meant that black boys and men either joined the homophobic fray or ran the risk of being ostracized (You’re a witch!) So we all went along. The fact that being gay could kill and was also the living, breathing antithesis to your identity as a heterosexual male provided just causation for fear. We have however matured since then and dispelled many a myth in the process. Now that African American women comprise the fastest growing # of HIV cases in America, how come there don’t seem to be any anti black woman marches on tap for next weeks protest schedule? Seems so much easier to be compassionate when the alleged defendant resembles your own kind doesn’t it?

The idea that the black congregation may be the lead proponent of homophobia and denial of civil rights gives further testament (but is well within character) to the hypocrisy of the church and yet another catalyst sure to bring about its eventual demise (no seriously, ask me how I feel about organized religion.) I am never running for public office and I just saw Talk To Me with Don Cheadle yesterday so I am feeling extra Petey Greene today (very good movie by the way). According to the bible, both gays and women are sub par. So along with all the gays who have contributed to society, my moms ain’t shit either. And since nothing good can come from shit, I ain’t shit. Bill Maher and I are in full agreement on this one. Blow it out your halo!

Why would a straight man be so opposed to homophobia? Because I am a relatively sizable, left handed, black, first generation, male, African immigrant, that’s why. I have been specifically told to use the messenger’s entrance in a building of which I was fully employed while my Caucasian coworkers filed out unperturbed. I have been detained and frisked by NYPD in broad day light for fitting the description of a drug dealer on the corner of West 4th and ironically enough, Ave of the Americas (where the Duane Reade used to be.) The description as I was told by the police officer after protest was “Black male, blue jean shorts, white tee shirt”, and it was FUCKING JULY! I guess that’ll teach me to wear shorts and a tee shirt in summer. I have seen people literally take off running in terror because my clumsy ass stumbled and I guess they figured I had invented a new style of attack (Trip-Fu). I have been the only Black male employee on the floor of the entire corporate office multiple times (let’s just say Oprah aint the first one to have an issue with Hermes of Paris and their practices). Long story longer, I can more than empathize with discrimination and can’t fathom how anyone who has ever historically been denied liberties could willingly aid and abet, including and especially the lion fed Catholics!

It seems that those who are the most assured in their own sexuality and in themselves, are the same individuals least threatened by homosexuality. I don’t see how preventing someone from partaking in any ideal (Proposition 8), God appointed or not, makes said ideal more or less valid since the value of a marriage is solely determined by the parties involved. If your issue is explaining to your children why 2 men can get married, try explaining to them why 2 men can’t get married without looking like a fucking hypocrite as you also preach parables of equality. Further more, who died and made you God? Sorry people, either the rules apply to us all or they don’t apply at all. As much as I support our President elect, I want to believe Barack doesn’t even believe his own civil union spiel, but he is a politician and he has to play the game. I guess you can’t have it both ways. We got the first black one. I’m still waiting for the first honest one (you should see how I feel about people I don’t like.)

Sidebar; I don’t know if being gay is innate or acquired. I would guess innate since I couldn’t possibly imagine why anyone would willingly subject him or her self to such scrutiny. If you personally can’t figure out how someone could possibly be gay, congratulations, you’re straight. Move on. Sidebar complete


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