I Know What Girls Like

Ladies, there was a council meeting a few days ago and the topic of discussion was “What Women Want”. In the interest of fair and balanced representation, the council consisted of 11 partially intoxicated men and no women present (you already know you ladies are in trouble). We figured the best way to address this issue was to not actually ask women what they want, but to utilize our infinite powers of deduction to create our own hypothesis. After all, we are men and we don’t ask for directions! In an unprecedented occurrence, men were actually able to speak their minds without fear of retaliation. It felt like one of those underground rebel meetings where we plot to eventually over throw our oppressors, but smile in their faces like dimwitted idiots upon sight (“yassa boss, I’s pics up all da cottin! Meanwhile, your inner thoughts scream “Once my people are united, we will decimate your totalitarian regime and you shall rule no longer! Democracy will prevail!! Shssh! They comin’”)

So let’s cut the crap. What do women want? Women want to be controlled! That’s right. You heard me. You guys want to give up your free will to men. It was concluded that women and men are reared with 2 different mission statements. Women are groomed to take care of home and family and men are supposed to provide said home for their families. As man is the provider, it is then assumed that man is the governing body. For the sake of argument, we will assume this originated in the hunting and gathering era and has persisted since. Men, or rather marriage represents a sanctuary under which women can raise a family, validate their societal worth, and take solace in the ideal that in the event a burglar invades the abode, someone else is tasked with going upstairs in their underwear with a baseball bat and left shoe in hand. After all, I am a man and I wholeheartedly enjoy wrestling naked with heavily armed criminals for which my flat screen is the object of their midnight desires.

Since men are physically stronger, we are supposed to be the kings of our respective castles. And as kings, all subjects shall submit their will to the king or risk beheading (or at least risk imposing questions from your aunt about why you aren’t married yet). If you listen intently, you can almost hear the neo feminist convulsing in their seats as I write. Un bunch your panties my Femme Nikitas for this was not the majority opinion in the room. I was actually impressed by the progressive thinking of the fellas. And here I am thinking I was the only one in touch with my inner Oprah. A majority of the men agreed (as in those who were still awake after all that rum) that although we are the physically dominant species (not counting those American Gladiator chicks), damn near all our actions are based on women and thus, they run this shit! The way men dress, act, travel, breathe, fart, etc . . . is all predicated on how receptive we feel women will be to our actions. Judge Neanderthal however provided the dissenting opinion. He stated “ Women even want you to order their meals for them when you go to restaurants. They want to feel protected and they want you to take control”. Judge Crazy Afrykan disagreed. He argued; ” If someone is doing what I want them to do without me having to lift a finger, how the hell are they in control?” Lets not get confused here. Just because I am the individual actually carrying out the orders does not make me the decision maker. It makes me the soldier. Women don’t want to be controlled. They just want someone they trust enough to make decisions on their behalf that they would’ve made anyway. It is however impossible to find someone you trust when you don’t even trust or know yourself. Which led to part 2 of the discussion.

The room unanimously agreed that this generation’s woman had lost their way. They (notice the exclusion of said author) consented that progressions made as it relates to women’s rights and wages had created murky lines in gender roles and ultimately, the destruction of hierarchy. In the name of equality, countless women have completely discounted their feminine attributes and entered into pissing contests with men, not realizing that we pee with different equipment. Women no longer know how to behave because there are no longer clear definitions for gender behavior. An affliction I affectionately dubbed: Independent Woman Syndrome - The belief that because you earn as much as a man and are quite capable of taking care of yourself, you don’t have to tolerate a man’s shit if you choose not to. Women are correct in this assumption. They really don’t have to take shit from men and are quite adept at taking care of themselves. This lack of humility poses an interesting conundrum. Women, like men, have been raised to believe that we are supposed to exist as a union, so in as much as you try to supplement my bullshit with your thriving career, you inevitably end up feeling empty without me. In addition, you really enjoy having your cake mix stirred with my man ladle. You know you like it ;-). Men have our issues too (and be quiet, we will only talk about one of them today). As much as we enjoy promiscuity, we also feel empty when we don’t have a good woman by our side (the older we get that is). Which is why for all the shit we talk about the unbalanced male / female ratios and how much the scales are in our favor, we somehow end up making public declarations to be faithful to only one woman. Whoever designed our matrix has a terrific sense of humor.

Men and women want the exact same things, happiness and security. Both of these ideals are user specific and time sensitive, which is where the problem lies. On average, it seems that security for men translates to financial stability, and for women, it means a family. Of course men may want families and women don’t relish poverty but society collectively waves the finger only when norms are violated so that is where the focus resides. As Biggie Smalls so eloquently stated, “Being broke @ 30 give a n*gga the chills!” This is why rich guys get to be unmarried a little longer than most without scrutiny and why your aunt will give you ladies more grief about your marital status than your upcoming promotion. Coupled with the infinite struggles between nature, nurture, and selfish desires of man and we are right back where we started; explaining to our friends why it didn’t work out or trying to figure out if it ever will. It was concluded that the balance of power in a relationship is as follows; Women have 49% controlling interest and men hold on to the remaining 51% until the women need it back.

Sidebar; Let the record show that when Judge Neanderthal was asked to demonstrate his control over his wife by calling to inform her that he was currently getting some ass and would be home whenever the hell he felt like it, he respectfully declined. Sidebar complete.