Monday, November 3, 2008

Barack-A-Fella Y’all!

So you really thought I wasn’t gonna send a public service announcement before the election? Now that’s just being ridiculous. The hoopla, fanfare, and unnecessary commentary has reached its apex (insert blog here) and election eve is finally upon us. Barack Skywalker and Joe B Won Kenobi patiently await reinforcements from the People’s Federation. Chancellor John “McCain” Palpatine (all he is missing is the cape) and his apprentice Darth Palin of the Republic (ans) wish to further the unilateral autocracy that is somehow Jar Jar Bush and Cheney the Hut. This must not happen! If you deluded little Ewoks hang the wrong chad tomorrow or somehow allow complacency or voter suppression to dissuade the choice of a new generation, you deserve whatever you get and I am moving the fuck off Endor!

With one day left, our hero, Senator Barack “Black Jesus” Obama is mildly ahead in the polls and teeters on the crux of impending victory. The winner receives wars involving Iraq, absolutely Afghanistan, possibly Pakistan, imminently Iran, questionably Korea, a depressing recession, the Intergalactic rise of communism visa vie Russia and China, and a T Pain / Lil Wayne performance at the inauguration. No one in their American loving minds should trust polls if they are remotely familiar with politics. If you have ever taken a statistics class or just paid close attention, you know the near improbability of a poll being remotely objective. Factors as seemingly insignificant as the voice of said pollster soliciting your opinion can effect your answer so if Mr. T were to ask who you were voting for in his Clubber Lang voice, you may be inclined to say Obama (or shit your pants). Given the margin of error that Senator Barack Hussein Obama narrowly surpasses (no relation to Saddam Hussein, or Hussein Hitler, or Hussein Manson or any other Hussein the GOP has attempted to link him to), the Bradley affect, and the undetermined undulation that is the “Undecided Vote”, there is no cause for celebration as yet so don’t break out the Schlitz malt liqueur just yet.

Undecided Voters as defined by Non African Americans –Racists who still reside in Killanegro, Georgia

Undecided Voters as defined by African Americans ----------------

Some guy wrote an article and I wish I remembered his name so I could give him credit but the article basically stated that if you are still undecided at this point in time, maybe you shouldn’t vote. I couldn’t agree more. Just because you have a voice doesn’t mean you should be heard if you are not abreast of the subjects at hand. We have all stood next to that person on the train (and some of you are that person) and wished Agent Smith would show up and remove their lips like he did in the Matrix. If you are voting simply because you can and have no relevant incite as to who the candidates are, stay the f*ck home and shut the f*ck up! Sidebar; If we all registered as undecided or independent voters, wouldn’t all politicians have to cater to all the people instead of picking and choosing which states to color red or blue, then ignore and campaign mainly in battleground states? They will never do away with partisan politics so maybe we should. Just a thought.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I will be supporting Obama. My highly researched methodology of choosing said candidate is as follows; any man waking up to a booty as supple and bountiful as Michelle Obama’s stands to make better decisions throughout the course of the day. I know I’m not the only one who saw that onion back there. Damn baby girl! First Lady got back! And yes I did reduce an incredibly intelligent, driven, inspirational and probably iconic woman into a pin up girl in King Magazine. This is further testament that Barack makes good decisions for that is in fact the desire of all men. We all just want a big brain we desire to bang all over the bedroom (at least I do). In an unprecedented reversal of roles, this could be the first time in presidential history that constituents desire to screw their politicians (and spouses). So while the lady folk fawn over Senator Obama, or as I like to refer to him, Will Smith in 20 years, I will be patiently awaiting any errant camera shots of the behind that is behind every successful man. But I digress.

My fellow Americans (and by Americans I mean all you foreigners who have lived in this country dating back to Christopher Columbus), get your monkey Asses out tomorrow and vote! NY will most certainly go Democratic but we may need the extra 2 million popular votes as states evidence to help combat whatever shenanigans loom in the Republican wings. And to my black friends and relatives, I am almost certain their will be no reparations check in the mail so try and act civil no matter the outcome of tomorrow's election. No crying or singing or marching or rioting or overturning cars or clicheing me to death with “The dream of Dr. King has finally been realized” or “The man is still trying to hold us down”, etc. . . Just try and behave like adults and conduct yourselves in a respectable, composed manner. And if you will be attending the hooky party at the crib tomorrow, BYOB!

This message was paid for by the Black Panther Party, Al Queda, and Terrorists for Obama!


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