Friday, October 17, 2008

Oh Baby You, You Got What I Neeeed

So I was boning my female friend the other day and I thought to myself; “Can men and women just be friends without involving sex? Of course they can” I thought as my knees buckled and I shuttered in shear ecstasy. I reached for my towel affectionately dubbed “the Nut Catcher” and couldn’t believe I even considered such a ridiculous notion. It has been my experience that most people aren’t too keen on having a partner who has friends of the opposite sex. Does it speak to individual insecurities if you are not comfortable with your significant other having co-ed friendships or is there valid reasoning behind this unease? Is the outcome of male / female relationships so predetermined that all men and women will undoubtedly embark in butthole pleasures at some point in time? I don’t believe this to be true.

If you value someone enough to make them a friend then they obviously possess qualities you hold in high regard. However, I don’t believe the next and only logical progression would be to Superman that Hoe! After all, if physical urges cannot be suppressed by any male or female, then we should all be trying to have sex with our brothers and sisters. I don’t mean brothas and sistas in the “Get up Stand up” sense. I mean literal incest. Ewww right? The only thing that stops you from boning your hot sister is the westernized ideal that considers that act to be taboo. There is no crotch force field that repels your energies because you are siblings. So if you can make the distinction with your sister, or your boy’s hot girlfriend, or the hot, underage high school senior, why is it so hard to accomplish that with friends? And I don’t have a sister so no need to call the incest hotline on me.

As the crown prince of befriending chicks I have never boned (I was joking in the intro by the way), I find it difficult convincing whomever I am dating that these individuals are just friends. It is probably because my female friendships arose out of one of following scenarios; a) I tried but failed to make her my boo b) she tried but failed to make me her boo c) she used to be my boo d) she used to be my friend’s boo and I personally don’t date my friend’s ex’s e) “One day she will be my mine. Oh yes, she will be mine!” Seeing as how all of these prerequisites echo non plutonic sentiments, is it any wonder why apprehension exist for the person who now has to come to terms with my “friendships”? After all, they never know when the warm, inviting sunlight will cascade off that female friend’s heaving bosom, causing my penis to look me square in the chin and defiantly challenge my reasons for not ever engaging in the wild monkey dance (“Remind me why we haven’t boned her already?” said the penis). So why put yourself in that position in the first place?

I will speak from my own perspective here. I am a man and I want to inject my Mannity Cane into any orifice remotely resembling a vagina. Always have, always will. Does this mean I lack the discipline necessary to thwart or not antagonize the ancillary vaginas in my fave five? No (especially if she is physically unattractive). It just means that I am horny more often that not. There are so many things that I would love to attempt that I simply don’t because the repercussions far outweigh the benefits. As much as I would love to immerse my hand in luke-warm margarine then proceed to back hand my boss’s eyelids clean off his face, I am not going to do that because it’s just not worth it (but I would love to see the hot buttered look on his face). As much as I love sex, if I am in a committed relationship that I value, I will not violate the sanctity of our harmonious pact for a cheap thrill (at least not in the states). Have I ever boned a friend after a line has been drawn in the sand & I am in a relationship? No. It is a conflict of interest and will jeopardize both the friendship and the relationship. Besides, she kept on saying no and I can only grovel for 6 consecutive months before I respectfully acquiesce to her demands. A man’s got to have some pride.

In all fairness, I must also respect if she has male friendships (even though I know they only want to hit it). My rule of thumb is as follows; if I didn’t hear his name before, I don’t want to hear it now. You can only associate with male friends you have known for 15 years prior to meeting me. Yes I am a chauvinistic, hypocritical, double standard infused Neanderthal. I am ok with that. Now get back in that kitchen and make me some barefoot waffles woman!

Who made the decision that men and women can’t be friends? Aside from Harry & Sally that is? There are so many lessons that the sexes could learn from each other if we just disregarded the physical aspects of the relationship. Mars and Venus don’t have to be so far apart. In this age of the dysfunctional family, it is probably helpful that we confide in the opposite sexes for better governance in our own lives as it is clearly evident a lot of us are lacking. For instance, if you have zero incite into the female psyche, you would think women were all crazy for falling in love every time you had sex with them. This has been an ongoing issue for men for quite some time. “Yo son, why’d she fall in love right after I hit it? We agreed to just be friends with benefits but she is catching feelings. Word life, that shit is whack”. Now if you didn’t have any female friends, your perspective would probably remain unilateral and you would continue to be enigmatized (not a word) by their actions. As it has been explained to me, women cannot just have sex and go about their business like men can. Of course there are exceptions to the rule (and you really should forward me her phone number should you come across it) but general consensus dictates more often than not. Because of this information, I am no longer shocked as to the extraneous emoting after I blow some unsuspecting girl’s back out. I have come to expect it.

Fellas, if you can enjoy spending time with a woman for purposes other than sexual gratification, you should probably try to sustain that relationship. Ladies if he still wants to be around you and you guys are not having sex, he is a latent homosexual. Seriously, understanding the opposite sex is not going to come from talking to your same sex friends with whom you share similar viewpoints. There’s only so much “Men aint Shit” and “These bitches is crazy” one can stomach and it has grown quite tired, from all sides. We could all use oppositional incite from someone with nothing to lose or gain by telling us the truth. You need friends of the opposite sex!

So what do you tell your girlfriend when she tells you that she is not comfortable with you going to the strip club with your female friend you have known since 5th grade? Do you sever all ties with that friend? Do you kick your girlfriend to the curb? No. You wait patiently for her good male friend who you know is waiting for the opportunity to bungee jump into her panties to invite her to Make Out Mountain for the weekend, then you throw it in her face. If she doesn’t have any male friends, be afraid. If she does, be very afraid. At the end of the day, it all boils down to trust. You can’t stop anyone from doing anything they want to do anyway so you may as well pick your battles. And ladies, if you ever need a male friend to talk to when your jealous boyfriend just doesn’t understand you, you can always talk to me. Yeah that’s right, come closer. Just put your head on my shoulder. What do you mean “why are my hands on your breasts?” Don’t worry about all that. That’s how I console baby ;-)


Anonymous said...

You are f-ing hilarious for real. So many comments that if I post them it will be a book.

I have this conversation quite often with both sexes and most of the females believe its possible to be platonic friends. Not so true among men probably because most of them are boning their friends.

But anyway YES there are women (but very few) that can have sex no strings attached, no love involved. Hey I've done it before and know a couple other females. But the key element for us was he lacked the qualities to be anything more...... or maybe its just the male in us. lol

Anonymous said...

u are indeed a writer...and a funny one at that. keep up the good work!!
--a friend u haven't boned

Eve said...

This post made me laugh...hard.
I don't believe men and women can be friends until the other options have been explored and rejected.
In my mind, I'm the kind of chick that can bone and bounce. Realistically, though, I get attached. Not enough to want to beat the next bitch down, but enough to have sex in the first place.
My perspective is: if a dude is not my man, and he ain't with me, he is effin the next chick. It keeps me focused, and prevents unnecessary and unrealistic attachments from being formed.
Keep the jokes coming, man....

Kevin said...

I have plenty of female friends and I am not a latent homosexual (at least I do not think I am). They fall into a few categories 1. They won't let me hit it. 2.I know too much about them (sluts, talk too much, just too dumb to deal with when I am done) 3.Became friends when they were already taken (maybe this is the same as 1). Great read Alf, keep it going. I have always attributed my many female friends to the fact that I was raised around mostly women.

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