Thursday, September 25, 2008

Keith Olberman Divided by Bill O’Reilly Equals Jon Stewart

Either I have gotten older and wiser or television and cable networks have become extremely transparent in masking their personal agendas. What the hell has gotten into these “journalists”, for lack of an appropriate word? They’ve all mutated into abridged versions of Dennis Miller, bartering valued air time for unintelligible diatribe (does anyone ever comprehend what the fuck Dennis Miller is talking about at any point in time?) Both El Guapo and I believe that a plethora of communication mediums has caused an agonizing swell in the amount of coverage news stories receive. Do I really need to see the same story from all 18 networks concurrently (uninterrupted on PBS and en espanol en Telemundo)? Has free enterprise forced all mediums to embrace yellow journalism for the sake of ad revenue? Will Batman ever escape from the Joker’s deadly death dealing murder machine? Sorry, got carried away.

If mainstream media didn’t have as much control over public opinion, I really wouldn’t care. But I have caught myself debating my friends and associates countless times over some nonsensical story reported and perpetuated as relevant. What’s worse is the viewpoints I encounter more often than not echo the sentiments of the source from which the information was originally obtained. Network news has gotten quite adept at creating a story then making you believe their opinion is somehow yours. This is evident by their stupid ass, obviously one sided poll questions like “Do you believe people who shoot other people should be allowed to walk the streets?” Then they present these findings as statistical data to make a case against the NRA. CNN, although not alone, is great for these kinds of polls.

Remember when the “N” word was the hot button topic that we all had to address? How about school shootings, sheep cloning, saggy pants, the Iraq war, politician’s illicit behaviors, etc. . . . . The media clearly dictates our water cooler conversations. Now we are forced to embrace this Sara Palin nonsense in all its’ splendor. I have nothing against Sara (in this instance) for this is totally not her doing. We are in an election year however with unprecedented circumstances so their actually is news to report, although already bludgeoned to death. Any comment made by any candidate has been overly scrutinized, dissected, analyzed by the talking heads to no avail, and then passed on to the general public for further dismemberment. Do I really care if McCain has more houses than he can remember? My concern is if banks will be in existence by time I am ready to buy one. Is there any relevance to Obama’s comment about putting lipstick on a pig? Unless this pig is going to reform the budget, I could give a rat’s ass! And for the record, the main difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is not just lipstick, but the lacerations and near fatal injuries sustained when attacked by these vicious animals. Something should really be done about hockey moms roaming the street without a leash. I also don’t think Mike Vick would be in jail right now if he was raising and fighting hockey milfs, uh, I mean moms, although I would definitely pay to see that!

I can no longer discern what is considered news from editorial commentary. What I do know is that there is definitely something for everyone on television’s ala carte. Does the bleeding heart leftist liberal view tickle your fancy? Why not tune into NBC for detailed accounts of how Republicans are directly responsible for the recent crane accidents and the growing numbers of puppies raped on the East Coast? Bleeding hearts not your cup of tea? How about a compelling right wing perspective from Fox News on how Democrats continue to single handedly increase the amount of category 3 hurricanes whilst facilitating the growing numbers of puppies raped in the heartland? Non Partisan? Then tune into Lou “Smug Prick’ Dobbs for factual accounts of how everyone else is an idiot except for him (also learn of his insatiable affinity for raping puppies). And for the raging cynic, let Jon “I’m Joking, but Seriously, I’m Really Not Joking” Stewart regale you with witty banter and satirical interpretations as only he can. Lets all watch as Jon translates the daily translations of other “journalists” who aren’t even aware they are ten times more hilarious simply because they take themselves seriously. Colbert and Maher, like Splenda, are readily acceptable substitutes if Jon is not available (although Maher lives on a soapbox and can be a bit much at times). Still not satisfied? Then log on to for impartial and balanced opinions on how I feel about all this shit. That’s For fair and balanced blogging!

Networks and news anchors are more focused on their own illumination as opposed to shedding light on the stories they report. I truly believe television news is just another conduit to Hollywood. I remember the good old days when anchors were horribly disfigured dotards who served no purpose other than delivering the news as objectively as possible (and sexually harassing the skirts in and around the office). Whatever happened to Roger Grimsby, Bill Buetel, Walter Cronkite and the rest of our distinguished anchor men (are they all dead)? Who is going to keep the tradition alive? I couldn’t fathom shopping for a Cronkite tell all book or purchasing a coffee mug with Peter Jennings’ likeness. Oh how times have changed. Nowadays, anchors are overly attractive show room models who could easily gain entrance into Maxim’s Bimbo of the Month club (including the men). I find myself watching the news for the same reasons I watch the Spanish channels. I’m just counting how many hotties I would love to bang (so far Good Day New York has the spice I desire but the WB is a close second).

All our news sources are 100% segregated yet we struggle to identify why the country is so polarized. We used to at least pretend to have objectivity. The only means of obtaining an impartial news story these days (other than NPR, barely) is to take the weighted average of at least 3 separate network’s report on the same story, multiply by the amount of minutes spent reporting, then throw all the shit out and turn on PS3 for some Grand Theft Auto 4! A majority of the news is bullshit anyway so try not to take the messages and the messenger too seriously. And if you don’t believe me, you can still view any of the aforementioned anchor’s TV shows for further in depth analysis. No TV? Try their radio broadcasts. No radio? Go to their website for live streaming. No computer? Buy their new children’s book “Whose Looking Out For Your Children in America, and So Can You”. Can’t read? That may be your only saving grace.


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