Friday, September 23, 2011

Brain Farts


Things I’m supposed to like but don’t
  1. Bing - As a search engine, bing is about as much of a threat to google as cous cous is to popcorn. The day you hear “I’ll take a large cous cous with extra butter” at your local cinema, you may want to look up "hallucination" on Bing and see what comes up.
  2. Kid Cudi – Sorry. I tried though.  Your best song will forever be affiliated with Vitamin Water. Forget happiness. You should be in the pursuit of better lyrics and production.
  3. The Ricki Gervais show – Dude, it’s not funny.
  4. Black History Month – kind of hard to ever fully integrate when you have a month dedicated solely to celebrating “blackness”. In truth, it’s MLK and Rosa Parks awareness month so it's not even all inclusive of black history. There isn’t even a behind the music with Kool Moe Dee for God’s sake! Lets just agree to skip the pomp and circumstance and integrate more African American history into the modern day curriculum.
  5. Traveling –Pain in the Ass. Don’t like packing. Don’t like airports. Don’t like taking off. Don’t like flying. Don’t like landing. Don’t like baggage claim. Don’t like being lost. I do like other places however so I guess I will continue to travel until other places learn to come to me.

Top 5 Signs we are devolving as a society

  1. Lebron James - We boo Lebron James for wanting to work somewhere else even though 85% of us relish an opportunity to work elsewhere and wouldn’t mind announcing it on ESPN. “Jim, I’m taking my talents to the South Bronx. I heard UPS is still hiring.” Can’t imagine what it would be like if you were booed on your way home by the bus driver, general public, toll booth clerks, and random baby sitters all because you opted to work somewhere else.
  2. The Internet – Less interaction means less civility.  Most of us are prone to project a cavalier persona online whilst retaining a meek, church mousy demeanor in real life. I am not a thug but I play one on the Internet. Your powers are limitless when draped under the veil of anonymity.
  3. We settle political discourse with rants and rifles! Image is everything.
  4. We are desensitized to our own hypocrisy. We carry on about the evil doers at Enron as we pocket office supplies and manipulate our personal income taxes (I’m certain you donated $2,000 worth of Gucci loafers to the salvation army yet again this year). Theft is theft so your level of larceny may just be limited to your level of opportunity.
  5. #&%#! Santa Claus!! We are accountable to no one, not even Santa Claus. The further we pilgrimage away from all religions (and I am not advocating any religion necessarily, merely what it represents) the further we move away from a collective moral conscience that some require constant reminders of. Seems anarchy will be the solution if we don’t find something we truly believe in that is bigger than our own self-interest.

Great ideas that may never happen
  1. Slavery – Now I know what you’re thinking but hear me out first. What if we were to implement a new kind of neo slavery that wasn’t race based but power centered? Basically, you get to keep who you can beat up. I wouldn’t mind having my daily chores tended to by downtrodden 3rd graders and broken spirited grandmothers. Yeah, you’re right. It’s probably a bad idea.           
  2. Remote Controlled Remote Control - I have 4 remote controls and now I have a universal remote control to control my remote controls but you know, even that has gotten out of control. If only there were a way to just have someone change the channel for me. May have to revisit that slavery idea.
  3. Canned Vagina / Penis – To hell with Folgers Crystals. Can you imagine waking up to the crisp, clean, scintillating aroma of morning spring vagina? Of course I may never make it into work and you may find most men buried under multiple cans of empty Vagina, Vagina Light, Vagina, Dark, Extra Strength Vagina, and New and improved Vagina that throws itself out after usage but who cares?
*Warning reduced crime rate and extreme happiness may occur from prolonged usage.

4.     Peace on Earth- Let’s face it, we are a combative civilization. We have always fought and we will probably always fight. Maybe we should change the slogan to “Peace until further notice”.


7 Things I would love to hear someone say but probably never will
  1. “You are way too ugly to have children.”
  2. “That fart hurt!” 
  3. “And that’s why I punched that nun in the face!”
  4. “I think that baby is gay.”
  5. “Rent costs have taking yet another steep decline in the NYC housing market.”
  6. “I lost 30 pounds on my mac & cheese and BBQ ribs diet!!
  7. “BET wins yet another Emmy for outstanding television programming.”

6 reasons why you may still be single
  1. It’s always someone else’s fault the relationship didn’t work out.
  2. You are still looking for Da Fonz when Richie Cunningham is the one interested in a relationship.
  3. You are still looking for Denise Huxtable when Claire is the one interested in a relationship.
  4. You can’t seem to understand why she gets upset every time you sleep with her sister.
  5. You just aren’t mature enough to handle a real relationship and by the time you figure it out, you may be dead.
  6. You still believe in right and wrong.
  
Silent but Deadly's 
 
  1. What’s with naming natural disasters and plagues after women and small animals? Can I get some nomenclature that accurately depicts the impending dangers? What about Hurricane Hitler, Tropical Storm Basketball Wives, Lizard Pox, Rhino Flu, or Typhoid Bertha? Monkeys, birds, chickens, Irene and Katrina just don’t do it for me.
  2.  The people in your neighborhood are not your friends. The people @ your job are not your friends. The people from your school are not your friends. Those are your associates. The people who have met the people from your neighborhood, your job, and your school are your friends.
  3.  *In my do the right thing voice* How come ain’t no storms named after black people? Just once I would like to turn on the news and hear the weather man say “We seemed to have avoided Tropical Storm Kenyata but word life my G, Hurricane Latifah ain’t f*ckin’ ‘round with Floor da (Florida). She fittin’ to run all up and down the streets just breakin sh*t up. I don’t know ‘bout y’all but sheeeeeeeeeit, I’m out!”
  4.  If not eating makes people irritable, why aren’t all fat people happy?
  5.  When a woman says she doesn’t care how much you make, she means she doesn’t care how much you make after you’ve made the minimum amount required. 
  6.  When a man says he doesn’t care how much weight you put on, he’s lying.
  7.  Dear white women, if your boyfriend or spouse ever invites you to take a trip to Aruba, please call the producers of “How I almost got away with it” immediately. Aruba is to white women what Mississippi was to Black men. 

 
Sidebar: Sometimes you just have to let one rip. Sidebar complete

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