Friday, August 7, 2009

I Wanna Text You Up

Welcome to Dating 2009! Please enter your username and password to access love. WARNING!! All prior courting rituals have been upgraded to a wireless, hands-free, paperless, blue-toothed, e-fficient process for your mass consumption. The days of pens and errant shards of paper needed to jot down a phone # have long passed (remember being screwed because after doing all that wooing, you couldn’t find a pen?). Also gone are the days when you whipped out your Motorola StarTac 8500 flip phoneto punch in her Smart Beep pager # (1800 BEEP-199),only to send her a numeric “hello” message (01134 viewed upside down). Your only requirement now is a last name, so you can “friend” a potential boo on a social networking website, in the event of course, your cell phone has died, or her cell phone has died, or she can’t “beam” it to your two-way pager, etc… And this is if you even desire human interaction. Otherwise, you can a on, and with very minimal effort,!

To update the unsuspecting on today’s digital dating trends, I have comprised some scenarios under which online courting has been known to take place. If you are not familiar, you have probably been a victim.

Probable Internet Mating Practices (P.I.M.P)

1. He sends you a friend request and you have never met him before. “I know you from where? Third grade?”

2. There is nothing instant about your instant message (IM) chat. What started out as a “What’s up?” has turned into Aaliyah’s “Four Page Letter”. If you really wanted to be online this long, you would’ve gone to the DMV (I’ll be here all week).

3. She follows your every online move. She knows you just left Youtube and stopped by Gmail on your way to Twitter. She told me to tweet you that you’ve just been outbid on Ebay, she likes your Flickr pics and said you could’ve borrowed her copy of Fatal Attraction instead of downloading it on Limewire. As you are reading this, she is sending you a message; “Hey, where ya been? It’s been 4 minutes. ”

4. She has filled her space on Mypsace with your face. In what can easily be misconstrued as a shrine, she has more comments, pics, and posts of you than your mother. “How the hell did you get my sonogram?

5. You can do no wrong. He loves everything you have to say. If you changed your facebook status to say, “I hate you Joe, please leave me the hell alone,” Joe would check the “Like” thumbs-up icon and leave the following comment: “I know what you mean beautiful. I can be so annoying sometimes. Can I have your number? Can I have it? Can I? Huh? Can I?”

So have you been attacked by P.I.M.P’s recently?

It is of course all fun and games until someone gets into a relationship. Soon after, technology becomes more of an issue than any prior generation has ever had to deal with. For one, your illicit and secretive transgressions can potentially be uncovered via open email accounts left unattended, undeleted call histories and the camera phones in your friends and family plan:

“Hey girl. I missed you today. I missed you so much that I had my boy follow you. He uploaded a picture and video from his iphone of you in Starbucks three hours from now. I know coffee gives you gas because I had your blood tested while you were sleeping so what the hell was you doin’ with a mocha latte Anna Mae?”

In addition, the idea of being readily available at a moment’s whim is still a new phenomenon and just as your employer has tethered you with the “perk” of a company Blackberry, once you are wired to be wireless, an equally irrational if not more expedient response time is expected from your partner. If you have ever received two texts from your beau simultaneously and they read: “Hey how you doing?” followed immediately by, “What the hell is taking you so long to respond to my text? I know you have at least 3 bars of reception because I used your phone from where you are right now.” 2 missed calls, 3 voicemails and 7 text messages later, there is a knock on the bathroom stall at your job and as you stare at your boo’s shoes from the other side of the potty, you start to wonder, “Is this really the person for me?” The answer is no btw, might I also suggest witness protection?

As always, it boils down to the amount of trust you and your partner have established. With that said, you also have to be aware of their insecurities and somehow apply that to your actions. Is it fair? Of course it’s not fair silly child but you didn’t sign up for fair, you signed up for love.

With that said, there are equally unifying & contradictory roles women (na├»ve conspirers) and men (jealous man-whores) assume in the dating world. Women seem to have men eating out of the palm of their Blackberries while oblivious to our initial intentions (sorry ladies, we saw your booty before we saw your brain). Meanwhile, men shower women with adoration then expect them to scale that desire for attention 100% back once they are in a relationship. If you are not prepared to replace the love and affection she was receiving from the free world when you met her, including all those FREE drinks you were buying her and that burning desire you had to see her everyday, maybe you should date uglier women. Now there’s a thought . . . Nah! Besides, they want attention too. ABORT. RETRY. FAIL.

Enter both word below, separated by a space.

DaTiNg CoMpLeX!

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Sidebar: Through further journalist efforts (more lying,) I have uncovered what Online P.I.M.P.’s really mean when they use Internet jargon.

LOL –Laying Out the Labia
ROFL – Rolling on the Floor Lovemaking
SMH- Shaking My Head (and not the one on my shoulders)
SMDH – Same as above, ‘nuff said
LMAO – Lusting My Ass Off

LOL – Living Our Lives together (don’t worry about the “T”. You think it’s easy coming up with this sh*t?)
ROFL – Reliant On Finding Love
SMH – Marry me
SMDH – Marry me now
LMAO – Marry me now some more!

Sidebar Complezete." Eep OP Orp Ah Ah!"


E.M.B.R.Y.O said...

My sister cousin and I think this is "cute". I love the way you incorporated all the things we deal with today and like my sis cuz says back in the days. And just for saying so's sake not every woman is on it like that. There are many of us who would love to be married yet we feel like you do; " i ain't beggin' nobawdy fa nuhin'". That goes for money, love, etc....

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